26
He was lost.
It was dark.
A sea of screams roiled in the blackness.
Hard to see.
Cries for help pierced clearly into his mind.
Despair crowded in on him from the people around him, trapped in their private hells. He wanted to help. Get them out.
Set them free.
Red lights flared, and the screams grew louder. Someone was coming, and a lump of dread formed in his stomach, weighing him down. He couldn’t move, and he felt the walls closing in around him, the ceiling dropping down. Lower and lower, tighter and tighter, until he felt he was being crushed. The pain was unbearable, and he opened his mouth and began to scream.
“Joe!” The sound of his name broke through the haze of dream-pain, and he was jostled awake by someone shaking his shoulders. “Wake up! It’s just a dream. You’re okay.”
“No!” Joe flailed his arms and then suddenly he found himself sitting up, feeling disoriented. For several moments he didn’t know where he was, and his heart was pounding so hard he thought it might burst from his chest. He glanced over at the man next to him, feeling confused when it wasn’t the tormentor he had expected to see. It took a while for it to register, but he finally almost sighed out the name. “Drew?”
“Yeah, baby, it’s me.” Drew slid his arms around Joe and rubbed his back soothingly. “You were having a nightmare. It wasn’t real.”
“No. Not real.” Not this time, at least. Joe scrubbed at his face, trying to push away the images his mind kept plaguing him with. He didn’t know how long it had been going on, but it seemed like forever. He knew he’d awakened at various points, and Drew was always there, either next to him in the bed or sitting in a chair nearby. Joe vaguely recalled Drew bringing him food and water, helping him to the bathroom, but mostly just letting him sleep. Even now Joe was tired, his body heavy and lethargic, but for once he was actually firmly in the present. He remembered the mission, but he shied away from thinking about it. He didn’t want to, not yet. Not when he felt so raw that it was like all the skin had been scraped from his body. Or maybe all the scabs were torn off his soul.
He began to shiver. “So cold. Why is it so cold?”
“You kicked off the covers.” Drew pulled the disheveled blankets back up and smoothed them around Joe. “You can stay close to me, too, if you’re still cold.”
Joe curled against Drew, seeking his warmth. He was grateful for Drew’s calm, steady presence, and he sighed. “I know this will sound weird, but I’m glad you’re here, and not Finn.”
Drew settled down beside Joe, holding him close and tight. “Why is that?” he asked, his tone laced with surprise.
“It’s… I don’t want him to see me like this,” he said. “I’m the one who is strong for him. The one he can go to when he’s hurting. He sees a lot of pain, being a medic. He doesn’t need mine, too.”
Drew remained silent for a minute or so, then nuzzled his cheek against the top of Joe’s head. “Who’s strong for you?” he asked softly.
The gesture was comforting, and Joe was surprised that Drew touching him and cuddling him felt so good. Joe wasn’t used to clinging to anyone, not even Finn, but he felt the urge to hold fast to Drew, to let Drew help take away the pain he was feeling. It was a bit disturbing, because there were things about his past Joe hadn’t shared with anyone, not even Finn. Somehow, telling Drew didn’t seem as terrifying.
“I’ve been strong for myself.” He shuddered. “I don’t feel strong now, though, and it’s a little frightening.”
“Yeah, I know.” Drew’s tone was matter-of-fact. “It’s going to be scary until you feel steady on your feet again. That’s normal. But you’ve got me to be strong for you, if you want me to.”
Joe closed his eyes. “Why would you do that for me? I’ve been… well, I guessnot friendlywould be the kindest way to describe it.” Now that he was able to take a small step back from his misery, he was aware of how much Drew had done for him—how much Drew had been doing from the beginning, even in the face of Joe’s hostility. It made him feel ashamed, so much so that his eyes began to burn. “I’m sorry I was a dick to you.”
“You were, yeah.” Drew’s chuckle rumbled and vibrated against Joe’s ear. “But you had multiple good reasons to be. I’m not holding it against you.”
“That’s generous.” Joe drew in a shuddering breath. “Thanks. It’s… it’s been hard. I felt like all I had was Finn, and when I needed him most, you’d stepped in and taken him from me. I hated you for it.”
“I get it.” Drew gave him a little squeeze. “It would’ve been hard enough adjusting to having me around under normal circumstances, but Finn figured out something else was going on, and once we started working together, I saw it too because I’ve been there, done that. I wanted to help.”
For once Joe’s embarrassment was greater than the pain. “I don’t know why. Is it for Finn? Because I feel like I don’t deserve it, the way I’ve been.”
Drew fell silent again, and when he spoke at last, his voice was quiet and gentle. “Would you feel like you deserved it even if you hadn’t been a dick to me?”
The question caught Joe by surprise. He hadn’t thought of it that way, and he wanted to shy away from the difficult thoughts. But the way he’d treated Drew before, and the support Drew had given him, meant the least Joe could do was be honest. He needed to open up, at least a little, in repayment, since all he’d done was shut Drew out.
“Not really,” he admitted, his heart constricting. “I guess there’s a part of me that’s broken. I just hide it well.”
