Chapter Twelve
AFTERsix months spent mostly at sea and in various ports in the tropics, coming home to Buffalo Lick was like stepping off an exotic movie set and back into harsh reality.
Looking out the window of his childhood bedroom, all Devin could see were the faded browns and dusty greens of a typical Texas summer. Even the blue of the sky seemed washed out and dull, which seemed appropriate for Devin’s mood. He felt washed out and dull as well, his heart as heavy as a stone in his chest.
It seemed a lifetime ago instead of only six days since Devin had woken up beside Paul, in love and so certain they were on the verge of starting a relationship. He’d been sure they could work through any difficulties, that they could find a way to have their chosen careers and still be together. He was sure Paul was falling for him, the way he’d already fallen hard for Paul, and nothing could come between them.
Now, of course, he realized he hadn’t known Paul at all.
Turning away from the window, Devin sat down on the edge of the bed and dropped his head into his hands, suppressing a moan of pain. Paul Mercer, the heir to Triton, was a man who’d been born to wealth and privilege, destined from birth to take over his family’s cruise ship empire. Even scarred from his accident and hurting over the breakup of a relationship, Devin should have been able to tell Paul was no entry-level executive on his first cruise. He felt like a fool for accepting everything at face value.
Ever since he’d gotten home, Devin had done little else but go over every moment he’d spent with Paul, trying to figure out how he hadn’t realized Paul was hiding something so fundamental. He didn’t doubt Paul had been traveling under a different name so he could inspect thePearland its staff without being deferred to, as he would have been if he’d come aboard as the man who was going to step into his father’s shoes. Devin didn’t fault Paul at all for the initial deception; what he was having a hard time coping with was Paul hadn’t told him after they’d become lovers. Surely Paul would have known Devin might have been surprised, but it wouldn’t have made a difference in how Devin felt about him. It still didn’t—Devin was still in love with Paul, had lost his heart that first morning in Jamaica when Paul returned to the room with two pairs of shorts and showed Devin he wanted to take his life back. How could Devin not fall in love with that much courage and strength? He knew Paul hadn’t been faking his vulnerability and self-consciousness about the scars on his body and his missing leg. But how could Paul have thought Devin could accept him as being no less a man for his disability, but believed Devin wouldn’t be able to handle the truth about his identity?
Even worse, it reminded Devin all too much of the situation he’d faced with his former boyfriend. Not that Brad had been like Paul on the surface, but Devin had been totally besotted, and he’d thought Brad had been just as enamored of him. Nothing Brad had done had given Devin the slightest clue that things weren’t exactly as they had seemed. It had taken him accidentally overhearing a conversation to learn the truth, and it was a truth that had hurt more than Devin had thought possible. That anyone—much less someone who professed to love him—could have used Devin as a way to shock his conservative parents was devastating. Having been duped once, Devin thought he was too smart to be played like that again. Even now, he didn’t want to believe Paul had been no better than Brad, but he was hurting so badly, he didn’t know what to do. Was it better to believe Paul had duped him and find a way to heal? How much worse would it be to find out Paul hadn’t been playing him, and Devin had wrecked things by running away? What should he do? Whatcouldhe do?
There were no answers, and likely there never would be. Devin had blocked Paul’s number. It was a coward’s reaction, he knew, but he couldn’t bear to hear Paul’s voice over the phone. It would break him if Paul thanked him for everything, apologized for anything he’d done to hurt Devin, and said he hoped Devin would be happy in his new job, which was no doubt what Paul thought Devin wanted. Or, even worse, maybe Paul hadn’t even tried to call him, figuring the offer of the promotion spoke for itself. Sure, they’d talked about Paul coming to Buffalo Lick, but Devin didn’t think it was what Paul really wanted to do.Back to reality.Paul had said those words himself that last morning. If he’d wanted to tell Devin who he was, he could have done it then. But Paul had been silent and let Kate break the news. He had to have known Kate would come clean when she told Devin about the promotion, since Paul had okayed it as the man in charge.
That was the part that hurt most. Paul had been all for Devin taking the position in thePearl’s kitchen. Kate had said Paul had thought it was a terrific idea. It would involve Devin signing a contract that would keep him at sea for months on a ship whose home port was halfway across the country from where Paul lived. Surely if Paul had meant things between them to continue, he would have told Kate something different? Maybe that he was thinking of offering Devin a position on a different ship? Or maybe he would have told Kate that he and Devin had something discuss before she made the offer?
In retrospect, Paul’s insistence that no one on the ship know they were involved seemed more like a cover-up for Paul’s involvement with an employee than a protection for Devin against gossip for being involved with someone higher up the corporate ladder.
Part of Devin didn’t want to believe any of it could be true; heknewPaul and had fallen for the Paul who was willing to trust him, to let Devin see his uncertainty and to let Devin in, to accept Devin’s help in regaining all the things his accident had stolen from him. And yet… if Paul trusted him that much, wouldn’t he have told Devin the truth? How could Devin know if the Paul he’d fallen in love with was the real man or just the parts of himself Paul had been willing to share? Just because Paul had let Devin far enough in to help him heal didn’t mean Paul was willing to hand Devin his heart.
As the days passed, it seemed likely Devin would never know. He’d already decided to call Kate and turn down the promotion. He couldn’t go back to thePearl—the ship was now haunted for him by the ghost of what he’d lost. Or maybe it was more truthful to say it was the ghost of what he’d never had in the first place.
He heard the phone ring out in the living room, heard his mother answer it. He tensed automatically, as he’d done every time the phone rang, but the tone of his mother’s voice held pleasure, so it had to be someone she knew. It wasn’t Paul calling. No doubt Paul had already moved on.
Devin drew in a breath, telling himself the thought was unworthy. Paul wasn’t a monster. Paul hadn’t made him any promises, after all, and might even wonder why Devin felt so betrayed. The biggest saving grace was that Paul didn’t know Devin had fallen in love with him. The thought was both a torment and a relief, since it meant Devin didn’t feel completely pathetic.
There was a soft knock at his door. “Devin? Your cousin Liam’s on the phone. Would you like to talk to him?”
Liam was several years older than Devin, but they’d kept in touch via email after Liam moved to New York City with dreams of taking the culinary world by storm. Devin shared Liam’s passion for cooking, and so they emailed each other several times a month. Liam told Devin all about New York, and Devin related his experiences in culinary school and, later, his delight in the things he’d found in the Caribbean. Devin’s father and Liam’s father were brothers, and Liam had a fondness for Devin’s mother, Mihoni, who had shared recipes with him and helped teach him how to cook. But Devin hadn’t talked to or seen Liam in person for a couple of years, and he wondered why his cousin wanted to speak to him now.
“Sure, Mom,” he replied. He rose to his feet and crossed to open the door. Mihoni Walker smiled up at him, though he could read the concern in her dark eyes. She hadn’t demanded explanations from him, simply accepted his return home, feeding him and coddling him as her only son, just as she always had.
“He said it must be providence that you’re home,” his mother said as she handed him the phone.
Devin raised a brow but took the phone. “Hey, Liam. How are things going?”
“Going great, actually.” Liam had lost a lot of his Texas twang over the years. Most of it was due to his time in New York, but Liam had been in North Carolina for the past couple of years, having fallen in love with a resort owner and turned his back on the madhouse of New York City. “The resort is doing great, and the restaurant I’ve opened in Maggie Valley is really taking off. But I’m stretched a bit thinner than I’d like, since Rocky is still in culinary school. I called Beau to find out if I could steal Earl Jr. from him for the summer to help out, but Beau said you’re back from your adventures at sea. Have any interest in coming to North Carolina for a few months and giving me a hand?”
Even though Devin had decided he wasn’t going back to Triton, he hadn’t given much thought to what he was going to do with his life now that his plans had changed. He could probably get a recommendation from Kate and take a position on a different cruise line, but he rejected the idea as soon as it formed. It was better to do something completely different.
“You know, I think that might work out well for me, Liam,” Devin said slowly. “Can you give me a couple of days to think about it?”
“Of course.” Liam sounded pleased. “You’d be getting me out of a pinch. Not to mention saving Beau’s marriage. I heard Jake yelling in the background about how I’d get Earl Jr. over his dead body, but I’m not above blackmailing Beau with telling his mama about him breaking that crystal vase his daddy brought her from Dallas.”
That startled a chuckle out of Devin—the first time he’d felt anything like amusement in days. His family was something else, and he loved every one of them. All the cousins shared secrets and threatened each other with carrying tales to parents about the shit they’d done as kids, but the reality was that every one of them would stand up for all the others, come hell or high water.
“I wouldn’t want to be responsible for reopening the Walker-Parnell feud,” he replied. “I’ll call you at the end of the week, okay? I want to talk to my folks about a few things.”
“I’ll hold you to that,” Liam said. “Thanks, cuz. Bye!”
After ending the call, Devin looked down at the phone without seeing it. He wasn’t sure if going to North Carolina would be a solution for his problems or just an escape. But maybe it didn’t matter. No matter where he was, Paul wouldn’t be there.
But at least if he went, he’d be doing something other than moping around the house and worrying his mother. Both his parents knew something was wrong, but they accepted that he needed time. His mother knew he’d come to her with his problems eventually, just as he always had, and no matter what had happened, no matter what he’d done, she’d always accepted him with unconditional love.
Drawing in a deep breath, he opened his bedroom door. No matter how much it hurt, it was time he tried to find a way to go on.
