“If it hasn’t been long since your breakup, I imagine there’s probably going to be a lot of those ‘last time I did this it was with my ex’ sorts of situations. If it were me, I’d want to do things as much as possible to get past that mental roadblock, but we’ll do whatever you like. But if we take the walk, then the next one you take, you can think ‘the last time I walked on the beach was with a friend.’”
Paul’s eyebrows climbed at that, and Devin could practically see the “huh” thought balloon over his head. “It’s been a while since the breakup, but I still have a good number of firsts to get through,” he said. “My therapist would probably agree with you, so yes, let’s take that walk.”
“All right,” Devin said, then stepped back so Paul could get up. “I love walking on the beach and looking for unusual shells. My nieces always beg me to send them any I find so they can turn them into jewelry.”
“Let me know what qualifies as unusual,” Paul said, bracing his hand on the back of his chair as he got to his feet. “I’ll help you look.”
“Bright colors, mostly. Whole, unbroken shells, sharks teeth, things like that.” Devin resisted the urge to offer Paul his hand. No doubt Paul would find it condescending, even if Devin didn’t mean it that way. Paul was still coming to terms with his loss, and until he’d managed to do it, he needed to know that he could rely on himself, and Devin needed to make sure Paul didn’t think Devin considered him weak or less of a man. “Fortunately, six-year-olds aren’t very picky.”
“Are they twins?” Paul asked. “Or cousins who are close in age?”
“My oldest sister’s twins,” Devin replied, smiling as he thought about his family. The only bad thing about his job was not getting home as often as he would have liked. “I have another niece who is almost thirteen, but her tastes are more sophisticated, and my other sister has two little boys, but they’re still toddlers. If I were to get into the cousins, well… it would be a lot. The Walker clan is large and fertile.”
“How many siblings do you have?” Paul asked. “And is there access to the beach from here or do we need to go back to the street?”
Devin pointed to the end of the patio. “There are steps over there,” he said, then walked beside Paul as they made their way through the tables. “I only have the two sisters, and I’m the baby of the family. But my father is one of eight children, and each of his siblings seemed to take it as a challenge to have as many kids as possible. We all ran in a pack as kids, which was lucky for me. It tended to cut down on racist comments when I had a dozen cousins ready to beat the crap out of anyone who wanted to make an issue about my skin. My siblings and I weren’t the only ones with Native American blood in town, but we were in the minority.”
“Sounds like you have quite a support system,” Paul said, a wistful note in his voice. “I’m an only child.”
“It was great—most of the time,” Devin replied. “Of course I’m sure there were times when all of us wished the others to the cornfield. I know I did, especially when it was my turn to take the fall for some bit of trouble the lot of us had gotten into. I take it you had a lonely time of it growing up?”
Paul kept one hand on the wood rail as he led the way down the concrete steps to the beach. “I had friends, and I was active in sports,” he said, shrugging as he paused at the bottom of the steps to wait for Devin. “I don’t remember feeling lonely, but I did develop a habit of talking to myself. I read a lot too, which probably helped mitigate any loneliness.”
Devin went down the steps and out onto the hard-packed sand, then started slowly toward the water, letting Paul set the pace. He didn’t want to hover, but he paid close attention to Paul’s progress, ready to offer assistance if Paul needed it. “I don’t think I had more than a few minutes alone from the time I was born until I went to culinary school,” he admitted. “That took some adjustment, getting used to it being so quiet all the time.”
Paul took a few slow steps as if testing the sand, but then he began walking at his normal pace as they approached the shoreline. “I don’t mind it. I think being surrounded by a lot of people and noise would be difficult for me. It depends on what a person is accustomed to, I suppose.”
“You’re probably right.” Devin chuckled. “At least living in close, cramped quarters on the ship and having people around all the time doesn’t bother me. I wouldn’t be able to do my job if it did.”
“I admit, I wondered if the living conditions were an issue with the staff when I saw your cabin,” Paul said. “Do people complain about them? They seem small for one person, let alone two.”
“They’re a bit tight, but it’s not like we need to have much other than a place to sleep,” Devin replied. They’d reached the waterline, and since the tide was out, it was easy to walk on the damp sand. “We have the run of the ship, after all, and we get free time in port. I guess it’s harder for people who need privacy or who are looking for a place for intimacy, but it’s never bothered me.”
Paul kept his gaze turned downward, scanning the beach as they walked along. “I’ll have to remember to ask around for suggestions about the living space.” He bent and picked up a shell, and he offered the yellow-and-white-hued scallop shell to Devin. “Will this do?”
“It’s great, thanks!” Devin accepted the shell and studied it before slipping it into the pocket of his shorts. He had the strange desire to keep that particular shell for himself, or perhaps have it put on a keychain for Paul. It was a silly notion, perhaps, but he thought it might be a nice thing to do. “You won’t be spending much time on the ships yourself, I take it? I know we get people from corporate from time to time, but will your job mostly be back in Charleston?”
“Yes, this trip is a chance for me to learn about the daily operations on board ship from a firsthand perspective,” Paul said. “But my job will be at headquarters, not on board one of the ships.”
For some reason, having his suspicions confirmed made Devin feel let down. He liked Paul and wanted to help him come out of the shell he’d built around himself. He thought it would be awesome if Paul were to take a position like Kate’s, and then maybe he could request a transfer to Paul’s ship….
And he was getting ahead of himself, he realized. But Paul appealed to him on several different levels. Paul was tall and handsome, obviously intelligent, and that would have been enough to attract Devin’s notice—as indeed it had, that first night Paul had walked into the lounge. But there was more to his attraction than that, and it wasn’t just that Devin thought Paul might need someone. There was something special about Paul that Devin couldn’t quite put his finger on, but unfortunately, the length of the cruise might be all the time he’d have to get to know Paul.
“Are you happy with that?” he asked casually. “For some reason, you strike me as the type who was born to the sea.”
Paul glanced at Devin, a flash of surprise in his eyes. “I used to spend a lot of time at the beach,” he said. “I’ve never wanted to live on a boat, though. My job trajectory is taking the path I’ve wanted it to for years. I’m not unhappy.”
Devin returned Paul’s gaze, hesitating before deciding he had nothing to lose. “Not being unhappy isn’t the same thing as being happy,” he said quietly.
Paul’s mouth quirked up in a wry, one-sided smile. “You and my therapist would get along great,” he said. “My job isn’t the issue. I really am doing what I want to do until I retire.”
“Sounds like you have a wise therapist,” Devin replied, flashing Paul a teasing smile. Then he grew serious again. “Okay, so you like your job, but work isn’t the be-all and end-all of life. So my statement stands. You deserve to be happy, Paul. You’re smart and sexy and young, so you should be enjoying life.”
Paul stopped walking and turned his attention to the ocean, clasping his hands behind his back as he stared out at the distant horizon. “I know I shouldn’t focus my entire life around work,” he said at last, his voice so soft that Devin had to strain to hear him over the lulling rhythm of the surf. “Maybe one day, I’ll feel like doing more than going to work early and staying late. But right now, it’s easier.” He paused, then admitted, “And safer.”
“At the risk of sounding like my mother, we Osage have a saying,” Devin said. “‘If the eyes had no tears, then the heart would have no rainbows.’ I always took that to mean that you can never find joy if you never risk hurt. Safety… well, I think for the most part, it’s an illusion. Or maybe just another word for loneliness.”
“Intellectually, I know all that,” Paul said, his expression turning pensive. “But I’m having a difficult time dealing with fear. After my ex broke up with me, my first therapist pushed me to try dating. It didn’t go well, and I changed therapists.”
