Payne squeezed Hunter’s arm gently before releasing it, and he rested his hand on Hunter’s leg beneath the table instead. “Hunter has PTSD,” he said, turning his attention back to James, who leaned forward and listened with an attentive frown. “Conventional therapy hasn’t been helpful, so we’re trying something unconventional. We’re trying to help him process through BDSM, but this is a new experience for him and new territory for me.”
Hunter swallowed against a lump in his throat. “I didn’t want to admit I had a problem, and I don’t trust shrinks. After… after I froze on a mission, I realized I’m in trouble. I don’t particularly care if I die on a mission, but I don’t want to get anyone else killed.”
“Of course,” James said softly, and while there was still sympathy in his expression, he didn’t show any trace of pity or disgust. “What you’re doing may seem unorthodox to most people, but it’s more common than you might think. Have you tried anything yet or are you still in the planning stage?”
“We’ve, uh…done one scene,” Hunter said. He glanced at Payne. “It’s okay to talk about it? I mean…you’re okay with me telling him?” He was still feeling his way around the protocols, but he figured “consensual” meant he didn’t talk about what went on between them without Payne’s agreement.
“I’m good with it if you are,” Payne said with a reassuring smile, and he patted Hunter’s leg.
Hunter placed his own hand over Payne’s, taking comfort from the contact. He looked at James again, and for some reason James’s resemblance to that long-ago sergeant helped. “I didn’t want to relive what happened, but Payne tied me to a St. Andrew’s cross and made me tell him about it. If I hesitated, he used a cane to…um…encourage me. I got through it, and it helped me to…” He dropped his gaze. “My best friend died saving my life, you see, and I hadn’t been able to cry about it. Not until then.”
“I’m sorry for your loss,” James said, and beside him, Tyler gazed at Hunter with tears swimming in his eyes, but he didn’t speak. “What I’m hearing is that the scene helped you achieve a catharsis you couldn’t reach on your own. Am I right?”
“Yes.” Hunter could hear how ragged he sounded, so he cleared his throat. “It’s the first thing that helped in any way. I know I’m still fucked up, but I’m hoping maybe this can do for me what all the shrinks in the world can’t.”
James nodded, appearing lost in thought for a moment, and then he focused on Payne. “How did you approach the scene?”
“It was like an interrogation,” Payne said. “I guided him with questions and kept him focused with the cane.”
“And what’s your goal moving forward?” James asked.
“Facing his grief was a good first step, but there’s still a lot to deal with.” Payne glanced at Hunter before adding, “Survivor’s guilt, for one thing. The trauma of what he witnessed. Grief, loss, depression.”
Hunter winced, but he couldn’t fault what Payne was saying. Now that he’d decided he couldn’t run away from his problems, he had to face them. All of them. “My work has been my life, and I can’t do it being fucked up, because people would die. I’ve lost everything that ever mattered to me. I have nothing left to lose, I guess.” He didn’t mention the darkest times, when he wondered if he wanted to go on at all.
“I think Payne has the right idea with the interrogation approach,” James said, his words measured and slow. He steepled his fingers as he studied Hunter, his brow furrowed. “He’ll be your facilitator, but all the hard work falls to you, and I can tell you right now what the two most difficult things will be.”
Hunter felt a lump of anxiety form in his stomach. He wasn’t certain he wanted to hear James’s answer, but he had to ask anyway. “What are those?”
“You’ve got a start on the first thing already,” James said. “And that is putting complete trust in Payne. It means knowing, understanding, and accepting he’s going to be there with you throughout this process, that anything he does to you in the context of a scene is for your benefit, and he’ll take care of you physically and emotionally afterward. So do you trust Master Payne?”
“Yes.” Hunter could say it without any hesitation. Payne had done for him what no one else had been able to do, and in refusing to report Hunter’s failure to Herc, he might have saved Hunter’s career and his self-respect. “I trust him completely.”
“Don’t tell me.” James flipped his hand in Payne’s direction, a note of authority entering his voice. “Tell him.”
“Yes, sir,” Hunter said, then turned to Payne. “I trust you. Even if it doesn’t work, I know you’ll try your damnedest for me. I trust you, Payne. And you know I don’t trust easily.”
Payne’s expression softened, but before he could respond, James waved him silent.
“‘I trust you, Master Payne,’” James said. “Use his title.”
Hunter frowned slightly, but then nodded. “I trust you, Master Payne.”
“Good.” James smiled in approval, and beneath the table, Payne squeezed Hunter’s leg hard enough to almost hurt. “Now here’s the second thing, and I believe this is what will trip you up the most. For this to work, you have to surrender to the experience. You say you trust Payne, and that means you must trust him and yourself enough to give up control. Only then will you be free to face and process your trauma. If you fight or resist or put up walls, you’re wasting your time and his.”
“I thought that’s what I was doing. Giving him control, I mean.” Hunter raised one eyebrow. “I didn’t like having to relive that day, but I could have ended it and I didn’t. I knew if I told him to stop, he would. Wasn’t that the point?”
“I’m not just talking about seeing the scene through,” James said. “I mean you can’t have any walls up in here,” he added, tapping his temple. “You’re new to all this, which I assume means you haven’t experienced sub space, so this may be difficult for you to relate to. But I think if you want to defeat your demons, you need to stop fighting them. Let go of your body, your mind, your feelings — put all of it in Payne’s hands and just be.”
Hunter had read about sub space, and while he thought he understood, at least to an extent, what James meant, it was true he didn’t have a frame of reference for something he’d never experienced. He chuckled. “Stare into the abyss, and let it stare into me.”
“Yes.” Payne answered this time, and he touched Hunter’s back lightly where the tattoo was. “That’s pretty much it.”
Hunter looked at James. “I think I understand better than you might believe.”
“Good.” James cocked his head and gave Hunter a questioning look. “Now the question is, can you do it?”
“That is the question.” Hunter returned James’s gaze steadily, then focused his attention to Payne. “Do you think I can do it, Master Payne? Are you willing to help me try?”
