Hunter knew he’d just about reached the end of the line. He didn’t believe in himself anymore, so he had nothing to lose. He could accept Payne’s help, or he could give up, go home and stare at the walls until he worked up the courage to walk in front of a train or went quietly nuts. Either Payne could help him, or he couldn’t, and if Payne failed, the outcome would still be the same. Hunter was empty, and, in a perverse way, it made things simple.
“All right,” he said quietly. He felt no real hope, just a hollow sort of nothing. “What do you want me to do?”
Payne pulled his chair close to Hunter and sat down again. “What do you know about BDSM?” he asked, watching Hunter somberly.
“BDSM?” Hunter thought for a moment, then it dawned on him. “Oh.Oh.” He raised a brow, looking at Payne in surprise. “I know what it stands for, and I know there’s a lot of porn about it, but that’s pretty much it.”
“It’s a facet of human sexuality,” Payne said. “But it can have therapeutic benefits as well, mainly through helping you tap into your emotions, especially the deeper ones, and achieve catharsis.”
Hunter wasn’t certain what Payne had in mind, but he had to ask. “So… um, does that mean you want to tie me up and have sex with me?” The thought wasn’t as alarming as it probably should have been.
For the first time ever, Hunter got to see Payne grow flustered. His cheeks flooded with color as he shook his head.
“If we’re using it for therapeutic purposes, we should probably take the sexual component off the table,” Payne said. “I mean, yes, BDSM is sexy fun times for me, but that’s not what we would be doing.”
Hunter felt a sense of disappointment he had no right to feel. “If it’s not sex, what is it for me? Or for you, for that matter.”
“Like I said, it’s about helping you reach a catharsis.” Payne leaned forward, seeming to warm up to the subject. “Pain can be pleasurable. Maybe it isn’t for you, and that’s fine, but itcanhelp you get out of your own head. Combined with the right kind of roleplay scenario, you could face your shit in a way that works for you.”
Hunter thought about it. “I guess I don’t have anything to lose,” he said slowly. The thought of pain didn’t frighten him; he’d been a merc for a long time, and he didn’t think there was much of anything Payne could do to him that would be worse than what he’d already gone through. “So… what am I supposed to do?”
“Think about it, maybe do some research and make sure this is something you want to pursue,” Payne said. “If it is, then we can talk more in-depth about what’s involved, and I think a trial run would be a good idea too. It would give you an idea of what to expect, and it would give me an idea of what equipment works best with you.”
“All right.” Hunter looked back down at the forms. “Do you still want me to leave out the part about freezing? It seems wrong.”
Payne rubbed his chin, seeming lost in thought for a minute. “Let’s leave it out for now. I’ll suggest to Herc we both need some time before we’re given another assignment, and we’ll use the time to try your new therapy regime. If it doesn’t work and you don’t show any signs of improvement, then we’ll tell him. How about that?”
“I guess that works,” Hunter said slowly. He grimaced as he looked at the forms. “I should get these done.”
“We both should.” Payne scooted his chair up to the table again. “Then I’ll talk to Herc about time off.”
“Okay.” Hunter had to admit, he was just as happy to leave any discussion with Cade Thornton to Payne. Omitting something from paperwork was bad enough, but he didn’t think he could handle trying to hide anything from Herc in person.
Turning his attention to the paperwork, Hunter made himself concentrate on keeping things factual, leaving out anything he’d felt during the situation. After that, he’d go home and hope he didn’t have nightmares about freezing. He was glad Payne had been there to save the boy, but Hunter knew he wouldn’t forget how he’d been unable to react and how horrible the consequences might have been.
