“I…” She didn’t know what she’d thought. “We’re arguing.”
“Aye, we are. And we’ll probably argue again. But that doesn’t change how I feel.” He stepped closer, his hand coming up to cup her cheek. “I love you, Brynja. All of you. Even theparts that are bent on revenge. Even the parts that scare me. I just… I don’t want to lose you to it.”
Tears finally spilled over, hot against her cold cheeks. “I don’t want to lose myself either. But I don’t know how to let it go. I don’t know how to just... stop wanting what I want.”
“I’m not asking you to let it go.” His thumb brushed away her tears. “I’m just asking you to think about whether revenge is really what you want. Or if mayhap what you really want is to stop hurting.”
The words hit something deep inside her, some truth she’d been avoiding. Because he was right, wasn’t he? She didn’t want Sholto dead because it would bring her mother back. She wanted him dead because she was in pain, and she didn’t know how else to make it stop.
“What if you’re wrong?” she asked quietly. “What if you’re telling me not to seek revenge while you would do exactly the same thing in my place?”
Hagen was silent for a long moment. Then he said, “You’re right. I don’t know the answer. Because if someone hurt you, I wouldn’t hesitate. I’d hunt them to the ends of the earth, and I wouldn’t stop until they were dead. So mayhap I don’t have any right to tell you not to do the same.”
“Then why are you?”
“Because I can see you more clearly than I can see myself. Because I can see what it’s costing you, even if you can’t. And because—” He drew in a shaky breath. “Because sometimes love means telling someone the hard truth, even when you know they don’t want to hear it.”
Brynja pressed her forehead to his chest, her hands fisting in his tunic. “I’m so tired, Hagen. I’m tired of being angry all the time. Tired of watching the horizon. Tired of waiting for him to come. But I don’t know how to stop.”
His arms came around her, solid and sure. “Mayhap you don’t have to stop. Mayhap you just have to decide that revenge isn’t all you are. That it’s not the only thing that defines you.”
“What else is there?” The question came out muffled against his chest.
“Everything.” His voice was fierce. “There’s you learning to ride. There’s you laughing at midnight on the parapets. There’s you being fierce and brave and stubborn. There’s you standing here letting me see you cry. There’s you and me and whatever future we might build together.” He pulled back just enough to look at her. “There’s so much more than revenge, Brynja. If you’ll let yourself see it.”
She wanted to believe him. Wanted to believe there could be a life beyond this consuming need for Sholto’s death. But the anger was so familiar, so much a part of her now. How did you let go of something that had kept you alive?
“I don’t know if I can,” she whispered.
“Then don’t. Not yet.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Just… promise me you’ll think about it. Promise me that when the time comes, you’ll ask yourself whether revenge is really what you need. Or if mayhap you need something else entirely.”
Brynja pulled back to look at him. His eyes were troubled, his expression open and vulnerable in a way that made her chest ache. He loved her. This complicated, stubborn man loved her. And he was asking her to think. Not to give up her quest, not to forgive, not to forget. Just to think.
“I’ll think about it,” she said finally. “I can’t promise more than that.”
“It’s enough.” He pulled her close again, and they stood there in the cold wind, holding each other.
Brynja managed a small smile. “Mayhap we’re both broken in the same ways. And mayhap that’s all right.”
He whispered, “If we work on it together, we might do it right.”
Together.
A word Brynja didn’t know much about, but she was willing to learn.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Connor
The group stood out near the gates the next day, readying their trip to Tiree.
“Da,” Dyna said. “I still think you need more guards to go with you.”
“Dyna,” said Connor. “I have the best swordsmen we have. Hagen, Broc, and Alaric. I’m leaving Maitland, Jowell, and Paden with you. And all three can switch to bows with Merryn if we need to. Brynja can shoot her daggers or switch to a bow. She’s been practicing enough to send arrows out to scare them.”
“I should go with you, Da!” she cried, tears running down her face. “I have this feeling, but I can’t see clearly.”
Sela said, “Exactly why you’re staying here. Dyna. I’ll not lose my husband and two of my bairns at once. Your father and I agreed to that years ago. No more than two at a time.”
