1
NIKKI
Ilook around the office and take everything in. My diplomas, certifications, pictures of the team and my family. Everything that has been me for the last three years surrounds me. Looking at it all now, I think about where my life has led me. When I graduated from high school, I had a plan, a plan I have deviated far from. I’ve survived losing the love of my life, becoming a single mother at eighteen against my father’s wishes, and surviving a serial killer. But none of those experiences has affected me as much as losing my daughter. She’s still alive, out there somewhere I don’t know. Somewhere I can’t hold her and comfort her.
My son’s picture on my desk smiles back at me. Dane was an infant when I adopted him. I picked his name and was there for almost every one of his milestones. He’s my pride and joy. He believes I can do no wrong and I will fix everything. At now thirteen and in advanced learning classes, he’s everything I wanted him to become the moment I saw his tiny body in the incubator. He had barely survived the attack on Jules, his birth mother and my sister.
I then look at the picture of his sister, my daughter. Piper looks just like Jules, and my heart clenches slightly. Thephotograph is a couple years old. It was taken right after we moved here to Scotland and the compound. She’s looking off into the distance, dressed in her retro fashion she loves to wear. Memories fill my mind of the little girl who was afraid to close her eyes when I adopted her because the recollection of her mother’s attack was too much on her. My memories then shift to watching her perform in musicals and singing with the choir. Not only did she take after Jules in looks but also in talent. And just like Jules, she took off on me. She’s been gone now for sixteen months. I miss her every day. I’ve only heard from her one time since she left. She called and told me she loved me, and that she needed time to heal and to not look for her. That’s all. No telling me when she would be home or if she ever was going to come home. I worry all the time that she’s not safe. If she’s eating properly. If she misses me. Of what I can say to make her come home.
At first, I was angry with her for taking off, thinking she was throwing a temper tantrum because the guy she liked was into another girl. But I’ve since learned she was in an accident. That something happened, causing her to need to be away from me. I know the men after her found her here, but that’s not the only reason she left. I’m sure my daughter’s heart was broken, but she won’t talk to me about it. Instead, she asked Mikayla, another team member, to help her get away. I’ve begged Mikayla to tell me where she is, but she promised Piper not to tell me.
Thinking about all this makes me wonder if I really should start this next journey. I’ve already failed at being a mother with one child. What if I screw up with Dane next? What if I’m not cut out for motherhood?
“NicNak, baby, don’t cry.”
I wipe off the tears I didn’t realize were rolling down my face, then I look into the green eyes of the man I love. The man who deserves everything I can give him. The man who, after all theseyears, still loves me inside and out, scars and all. He loves me even though I’ve pushed him away so many times.
“I’m scared of failing another child.” My fear bleeds from my soul.
Zach reaches out with his large hands and pushes my hair back from my face. He grips my hair in his fists and gives a tug. The slight bite of pain causes me to moan. He’s awakened something in me in the time we’ve been back together. I like pain with him.
“Don’t do that, baby. I’ll fuck you right here on this desk, and you know we can’t.” His voice is husky from his desire.
“I know.” We’ve made love numerous times on our desks in the office we share. My eyes flash over to his desk across from mine. He has similar pictures on his desk of the kids and also a picture of him and me. One that he loves that Dane took with my camera. We are cuddled up on the sofa in our house, looking into each other’s eyes. I don’t like it because I’m in sweats and my hair is messy, but Zach loves it because he says it’s the real me. Not the put together me everyone else sees. He’s right. I still don’t let everyone see the me who shows her scars.
“Nic, you are the best mother in the world. We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. Dane and Piper are perfect for me.” My eyes move back to him.
I want to give Zach the family we once dreamed of, the family he’s always wanted. But after my attack I was left with only one working ovary and fallopian tube, limiting my chances of getting pregnant. Still, we’ve never used protection, and I have yet to get pregnant. I didn’t want to go see Dr. Jen about it because I didn’t want her to tell me we can’t conceive. But it’s time. For Zach, I will do this.
“I want to do this.” A couple weeks ago we went in and had tests run on both of us. Today we go in and find out the results. Dr. Jen is not only a good friend of ours, but she’s also marriedto one of our teammates. She has become the obstetrician for all the pregnant women here on the compound.
We live on a secured compound in Scotland to protect us from a dark crime organization led by a cruel man who wants to kill all of us. A year and a half ago he went after one of the team leaders as she was leaving Dr. Jen’s office. He almost killed her, her then unborn triplets, and Zach. He did succeed in killing one of our team members and a family member. The fear I felt that day at almost losing Zach again is the reason I finally stopped running and started the long process of working through my issues so he and I could have a future.
Zach pulls me into his arms. His outdoorsy scent with the smell of the ocean washes over me. It’s all him, and he’s smelled like this for so long. Arms that I’ve watched grow from thin boyish arms to the thick muscular tattooed ones wrap around me. His chin rests on the top of my head and he just holds me. So many times we both thought we’d never have this again. The boy I gave my virginity to at eighteen is the man I love at thirty-two. We’ve both survived so much that moving into our future is all we need to do now.
I pull back and look up at him. He tips his head to look down at me. “I love you, Zachy. I’ve loved you all my life. I want to do this. I want to have a baby; I’m just emotional.” Jen purposely scheduled this appointment at the start of my cycle so that if the tests came back good, I could start on the hormones right away.
“I want whatever you want, baby. If that means we have a baby together, then we’ll try. But you know I’d adopt. As long as it’s you, me, Piper, and Dane who are on this journey, I don’t care where we end up.” I love that he includes Piper even though she’s gone. “But.” He pauses, and I know whatever he’s going to say is going to hurt. “It’s time for you to talk to Luca. It’s time for you to mend that bridge and hear his side of the story.”
I don’t want to. I want to continue to hate the man who hurt my baby girl. I want to cut off his balls and shove them down his throat, watch as he chokes on them. It’s vengeful and wrong, I know. I’ve watched him walk around this compound as lost as myself without her.
Zach’s jaw tightens; he isn’t going to give up on this. In all the years we’ve been friends or together, when he sets his mind on something, he doesn’t give up on it. But that doesn’t mean I have to agree. Before I can answer him, the phone on my desk rings. It’s a direct call, not transferred to my line. My body locks up and fear hits me like it does every time a call like this comes in. The fear that it’s going to be Piper begging me to come help her or worse. Zach reaches for my hand and slides our palms together, interlacing our fingers, as he reaches for the phone with his other hand.
“Yeah,” he answers, not identifying himself or the office just in case it’s someone associated with the Hierarchy. “Okay, on our way.” By degrees and muscle groups, my body relaxes finally.
He hangs up the phone and turns toward me. “I know it hurts and you’re afraid, but she’s an adult and made a choice. You need to let this fear go. For all our sakes, we need you to heal so that when she comes back, you aren’t a shell of the woman you were before she left us.” He leans in and kisses my lips softly. His scruffy skin tickles, but his soft lips soothe.
I find myself leaning into him, but he pulls away from me. “We promised Dr. Jen we’d abstain until we met with her today. It’s been seven days since I was inside you, and I’m hanging on by a thread.” Dr. Jen wanted us to abstain from sex for a week just in case they have to redo any of the tests. We’ve both been on edge with need.
“Our ride is ready, and our second guard is waiting for us.”
He starts to pull me from the office with our fingers still laced together. I’m so lost in the desire for him that I almost missed what he said.
“Who is our second guard?” It can’t be his best friend, Andy, because he’s off the compound on an assignment right now.
My steps falter the moment I notice Zach doesn’t answer me back. I look up as we exit the large barn type structure that serves as Securities International Headquarters. It’s been added onto over the last couple of years. I seehimleaning against the side of the armored SUV and I almost trip. Luca isn’t as tall as Zach, but he’s still tall at six foot, and he’s put on a lot of muscle since Piper left. It’s as if the boy spends his free time only working out now. As my eyes roam over him, I realize he isn’t a boy at all but a man. He’s twenty-six. How did I ever think of him as a boy? Maybe because my daughter was only twenty-one when he broke her heart. When he called her a kid and there was nothing between them. I was so mad at Zach, but I forgave him, yet I can’t forgive this man. I can’t even stand to look at him. We work together, but I never work directly with him. He stands up straight and looks at me as my feet completely stop. Zach tightens his fingers around mine, but I don’t move. He turns to look back at me.
“You did this?” I wave my hand toward where Luca is standing. “You’re going to push this?”
