The ill-mannered, underdressed caterer gives me the stink eye as she walks back over to the craft services table, and my seriously late assistant decides to lay into me.
“I leave you on your own for one hour and this is the trouble you get yourself into?”
“Ninety minutes, and it wasthatwoman who was nothing but trouble.”
“That’s not how it looked to me.”
“You always blame me.”
“Who else is there to blame?”
“Have you been working for me for the last three years or am I talking to your doppelgänger? You know the deal. These women are crazy nowadays. Did you see her shirt?”
“Did I see that her nipples were showing,mawmaw? Why yes, I did. So what? You’ve never seen nipples before? Is the big bad football star unable to control himself if someone shows him a little nip?”
“That’s how you talk to your boss when you’re,” I tap the face of my Rolex, “ninety minutes late?”
“Free the nip!” she cheers like the goofball she is.
“All this fervor about nipples from the most conservative woman I’ve ever met.”
“I’m not conservative, I’m professional. There’s a difference.”
“You work for a football player, not the CEO of some bank.”
“You’re more than a football player.”
“Why thank you,” I say in a playful manner. “I’m very much aware that I’m so much more.”
She rolls her eyes.
“You know what I mean.”
“Yes, I know. Beyond being ridiculously talented on the football field, I am also an entrepreneurial juggernaut. I even amaze myself sometimes.”
“Whatever,” she mutters. “Listen, you didn’t have to be so rude to the woman. One more word out of you and she would have sued you for sexual harassment or assault.”
“I didn’t touch her. I barely looked at her.”
“She’s probably talking crap about you on Twitter as we speak, and we certainly don’t need that headache. I’ve worked hard to keep your social media squeaky clean after the last stunt you pulled.”
“The last stunt? You mean the stripper?”
“Oh, I forgot about that one.”
“I didn’t even talk to that woman.”
“Are you sure? You were drunk.”
Her judgmental tone rubs me the wrong way, but I can’t deny that Owens is right. I’ve caused a few drunken scenes in my past. Made a few mistakes. Made a lot of enemies. And Owens makes it all go away. She can work miracles.
“Yeah but that catering woman with the fat nipples was already building the in-ground pool.”
“Building the what?”
“You know the type of women I’m talking about. In her mind she was already building our ten thousand square foot home and planning the pool I was going to have to pay for once she trapped me with a baby.”
“Wowza, Coop! You have some serious trust issues.”
