“Did any reaction of mine make you think I felt obligated?”
“I ...” She shrugged.
“I kissed you because I wanted to. Don’t take the blame for that.”
She groaned, then whispered, “I’m rusty at this.” Her fingers swept her bangs to the side a few times, then smoothed her hair behind her ears in a gesture that told him she wished she could smooth out the complications of this situation as easily. Finally, she stilled and met his eyes. “I haven’t kissed anyone in a very long time. Not since Chase. I thought Chase would be the last person I ever kissed.”
“You’re still in love with him.” He hadn’t planned to say that. Or even to care about that.
“I’ll always love him. You’d have loved him, too, if you could have met him.”
No. He wouldn’t have.
She slid the ring on her middle finger up and down, up and down. He was getting better at reading her. She fiddled with her rings when trying to settle herself and pulled on her ear when thinking.
He didn’t doubt that she’d enjoyed the kiss while it was happening. She’d responded with passion. But he also didn’t doubt that she was now second-guessing it.
“You’re feeling guilty because you failed at your role of nun,” Luke concluded.
“I’m not a nun. But Idofeel like I failed at my decision to abstain.”
“Was Chase so selfish that he’d have wanted you to make your life a shrine to him?”
“No.” She looked offended on Chase’s behalf. “He was the most unselfish man in the world. My decision wasn’t about Chase’s preferences. It was about what God led me to do.”
“Your fiancé died. Just because that happened, God doesn’t expect for you never to kiss another man for as long as you live.”
“I really thought He did.”
“Maybe for a while. But not forever. You’ve held on to this decision for five years. Not for God. Not for Chase. Because it keeps you safe.” He glanced at the river, then back to her. “Staying committed to Chase is easy. He’ll always remain perfect in your memory, and he’ll never let you down. The relationship you didn’t have with him can stay on its pedestal.”
She sighed.
“It’s better not to love anyone new than have them taken from you. Right?”
“I don’t know. All of a sudden I’m confused about my motivations ... about what God’s leading me to do.”
“People move on after loss, Finley.”
“Have you moved on from your loss?” She spoke the question compassionately, yet it found its mark accurately. She was calling him out for being a hypocrite.
“We’re talking about you,” he answered. “And I firmly believe that you can move on.”
Her gaze traveled down to his boots and back up again. “I firmly believe you can, too.”
He listened to the sound of cold water rushing past stones.
“I need to sort some things out,” she said after a time. “But if you’re right and God is giving me the green light to start dating again.. . Would you be interested in dating me?”
Her words kicked him in the stomach with shock. He’d been certain she’d been building up to an explanation of why they couldn’t repeat the kiss. “Dating? What? No. The kiss was just ... one of those things that happens between people sometimes. More wouldn’t be a good idea.”
“Why?”
“You really need for me to spell it out?”
“Yes.”
“When you play with physical attraction as strong as this, you play with fire—”
