If she remembered this in the morning, she’d be mortified that she’d called him such a lame name.
Her ability to walk in a straight line had deserted her. Instead of trying to get her through the house, he led her down the deck stairs. Twice, he had to save her from breaking her neck.
He cut a path through the cars while she zigzagged behind him singing, “Luke sucks.” It took effort, but he finally got her secured in his passenger seat.
The full moon turned the landscape silver as they drove.
“You think you had itsohard,” she said after a time, her syllables rounded.
“Because I did.”
“And you think I had itsoeasy.”
“Because you did.”
“You don’t know what it was like for me, growing up in Ethan’s shadow. Mom and Dad sent me to a counselor once, and he told me that I have survivor’s guilt.”
“No,” Luke said tightly. “Ihave survivor’s guilt.” The words Finley had spoken to him surfaced. “You’re still standing in the jail cell of guilt instead of living like someone who’s free.”
“I have survivor’s guilt, too,” she said stubbornly. “You’re so consumed with your own problems that you can’t see that anyone else is struggling.”
Spare him. “You never even met Ethan.”
“I don’tneedto have met him to have survivor’s guilt. I grew up with him, even though he wasn’t there, and he wasso, soperfect—”
“Say anything negative about Ethan, and I’ll toss you out of this car.”
“If you don’t listen to me, I’ll throw myself out!”
Great. His sister was a confrontational drunk.
“Do you know what they call children born after the death of a sibling?” she asked. “Replacement children.”
Luke drew on every bit of patience he had. “You and Hailey were a surprise. Mom and Dad weren’t trying to replace Ethan when they had you.”
“As soon as they had us, we became his replacements.”
“No. I watched Mom and Dad in the years after Ethan died. They grieved, but they also put in a lot of work toward healing. It made their relationship stronger. You’re not going to convince me that they didn’t love and accept you for who you are in your own right.”
“I knew they were comparing me to him in their minds!”
“No.Youwere comparing yourself to him in your mind.”
“They hyper-idealized Ethan, which is so messed up—”
“No,” he said. “If anyone hyper-idealized him, it was you.”
“And you,” she accused.
The two words struck deep, carving through the center of him.
“How am I supposed to live up to the perfection of my dead brother?” she asked.
“You’re not. Ethan wasn’t perfect. And no one expects you to be anything like him.”
“My counselor said I have unexpressed anger.”
“Really?” Luke asked wryly. “Seems to me like you’re doing a pretty good job of expressing it.” He pulled up in front of their parents’ house. “Are you going to ring the doorbell, or am I?”
