“I think I need to be alone for a couple of days,” she said. “It’s not your fault. And I don’t want you to get worked up over it because it’s no big deal. It’s just ... I think some solitude might help me get my head straight.”
Pain stole the oxygen from his lungs. No big deal? She was pushing him away.
He’d known since they started dating that he was opening himself up to ruin if she ever pulled back. It was a chance he’d been willing to take because their relationship these past weeks was the best thing that had ever happened to him. “You think staying away from me is going to allow you to get your head straight?”
Winds of regret gusted in the brown depths of her irises. “Yes.”
“I don’t see how taking a break from me is going to make anything better.”
“That’s because you’re not inside my head, experiencing what I’m experiencing.”
“Then let me in.”
“That sounds good on paper. Except that being near you is only confusing me more.”
“Don’t shut me out.”
“I’m not trying to shut you out! I’m crazy about you. I’m simply trying to find my way back to my right mind. In order to do that, I need a few days apart from you, Zander. Just a few days.”
She was in shock. She was scared. He’d say yes to any request she made. It’s just that hehatedthis particular request. More, he doubted whether saying yes to a separation between them would benefit her.
“Why can’t you see what I see?” he asked. Like black veins in white granite, anger began to thread its way through him. “The whole earth can rise and fall around us and, of all things, this relationship of ours is the one thing we need to hold on to. When hardships come, when the dust settles, when I’m on my deathbed, I will still be holding on to you, Britt.”
She stood very still, ferocity and fragility evident in the lines of her posture.
Britt didn’t feel the same way that he felt.
She never had, which had always been his torture. Years of pent-up frustration coalesced within him.Why?Why couldn’t she value what he valued?
He crossed to her, took her face in his hands, and kissed her hard. “Hold on to me,” he rasped.
She didn’t answer.
“Please,” he said.
“I’m not letting go of you, Zander.” Each word emerged quiet but decisive. “I just.... need a few days.”
He gazed at her, willing her to change her mind.Change your mind. Hold on to me.
She didn’t back down.
With a growl, he stalked from her in the direction of his car.
She didn’t come after him or call out.
He didn’t look back.
Zander’s journal entry:
The day CPS took me from my mom, I was numb, reeling, and angry. That’s how I feel tonight, even knowing that, unlike in the case of my mom, Britt is fine.
We’ve gone off-course, and I’m sick to my stomach because I know that over time, even a small change in course can take you to an entirely different place.
I don’t want to go any place where Britt isn’t.
However, I don’t know how to get us back on course. I want to fix it.
I’m powerless to fix it because she wants time away ... from me.
