Erica pushed her plate away. “It was strange. Unsettling. She talked about him. At length. I suppose it was the first time I’d ever thought of my father as a fully rounded human being.To me he was always the man who left us. Or the man that ran, as my mother used to refer to him.”
Claudia felt guilty for thinking about herself when this was such an emotionally draining time for Erica. If Erica wanted to leave then they’d leave.
She wanted to say the right thing, but she didn’t know what that was. It would be insulting to pretend she understood. Like Anna, her parents were boringly normal, whatever normal was, and for that she was grateful. They were still together after forty-five years of marriage, still fought about the same little things, still tended their garden and finished each other’s sentences. She couldn’t imagine being in Erica’s situation.
“Of course you saw him that way,” Anna said. “Why wouldn’t you? You didn’t have any other information.” She pushed Erica’s plate back toward her.
“But now I do.” Erica picked up her fork again and poked at her food. “To us he was the man who ran, but he didn’t run when he found himself in sole charge of Hattie. He didn’t leave her. He was a single dad in tough circumstances. He made compromises that meant he could focus on his daughter.”
“That’s heartening. They say people can’t change, but he clearly changed.” Anna finished her coffee. “Does that hurt?”
“It could, couldn’t it?” Erica paused, as if she was silently checking for injury. “But it doesn’t. In fact, it helps to know that my father wasn’t a bad person. All the signs are that despite everything, ultimately, he was a decent man.”
Claudia listened while Erica told them the details of the conversation. She wondered whether, in Erica’s position, she would have been angry with her mother for not responding to his efforts to reach out and make amends,but Erica was fiercely loyal to her mother and didn’t seem angry. Just a little sad.
Claudia wondered what Erica’s life would have been like if her father had reentered her life. If she’d grown up seeing that men might run, but also that they might then grow up and step up. Would that have changed things?
“I like the fact that he told Hattie about you,” Anna said. “But it’s funny thinking that she grew up knowing everything about you, whereas you’ve only recently found out about her. She is obviously pleased you’re here.”
“Yes.”
Anna glanced toward Claudia, and then back at Erica. “Are you sure you want to leave?” Her question was casual, but Claudia had a feeling Anna knew just how badly Claudia wanted to stay.
“I don’t know.” Erica put her fork down. “I don’t know what I want to do.”
In all their years of friendship, Claudia had never seen Erica struggle with a decision. “What does your gut tell you?”
“I don’t listen to my gut when I make decisions. I use my head. And my head tells me I can’t do this. I don’t know how to be what I’m supposed to be.”
Claudia was confused. “Who are you supposed to be?”
“A sister. I’m not familiar with the job description.” There was a flash of panic in Erica’s eyes. “It doesn’t help that I like her.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?”
“Yes, in one way. But it also increases the pressure.”
Anna pondered that. “You mean because you like her, and you’re afraid she might not like you back?”
Erica shifted in her seat and then scowled at Anna.“How are you so good at this? How do you always manage to see things that I can’t see myself?”
“Because I know you.” Anna hesitated. “You’ve always had a bit of a fear about being left. Deep down, no matter how much you rationalized it, a part of you always wondered if your father leaving was somehow your fault. But you know it wasn’t.”
“In a way it was.” Erica gave a faint smile. “He wasn’t ready to be a dad. If I hadn’t appeared, he might have stuck around. And don’t turn this into some deep philosophical discussion about why I’m not married with eight kids, because the truth is it isn’t in any way linked to any residual daddy issues I may have. I just don’t want that.”
“Good.” Claudia helped herself to more fruit. “I couldn’t afford to buy gifts for eight kids.”
“I really do love my life.”
Anna shrugged. “No one is suggesting you change your life. Just allow a few people in, that’s all.”
“A few?”
“Hattie and s—Delphi.” Anna stumbled slightly and Claudia had a feeling she’d just stopped herself sayingsexy Jack. “Also, there is no reason why Hattie wouldn’t like you.Welike you.”
“Speak for yourself. I don’t like her one little bit,” Claudia said, “but I’ve been too busy to find a new friend.”
Erica laughed and the atmosphere lightened. “I suppose I—”
