Erica glanced at her. “Why worry about all the things that could go wrong? Why not wait for them toactuallygo wrong, and then worry?”
“I never said my worries were logical.”
“What does Pete do when you’re lying awake worrying?”
“Usually, he’s asleep, but occasionally if I’m really anxious I wake him.”
“And he doesn’t kill you for that?” Erica shook her head. “That man is a saint.”
Claudia realized that Anna still hadn’t answered the question. “What’s changing that is outside your control?” Anna’s life seemed so steady and predictable to her. It was one of the things she envied most.
“My family.” Anna was silent for a moment. “Over the years I’ve had the occasional moment of panic when I’ve thought about the day when the twins leave home, but I always pushed it aside because it was something in the future, but the other night I realized that the future has arrived. Next year they’ll be leaving, and I’m dreading it.” There was a quiver in her voice and Erica frowned.
“You’re worried about how they’ll cope without you?”
“No.” Anna swallowed. “I’m worried about how I’ll cope without them.”
“But the alternative would be to have them living with you forever. You wouldn’t want that, surely?”
“I wouldn’t.” Anna paused. “Or maybe I would.”
Erica waited for a break in the traffic and made a right turn. “You’re making no sense. Your job as a parent is to raise your child to be a competent human being capable of independence.”
“I know. And I’ve done that. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to open champagne and congratulate myself on a job well-done when they leave. I’m going to miss them horribly. I almost wish Meg and I fought more. It might make it easier to let her go. Maybe I’d be counting down the days until she left. And of course I haven’t told them I feel this way. Whenever they talk about college and leaving I’m encouraging and enthusiastic—which is exhausting, by the way—but the truth is I love being a mother. It’s what I’ve always wanted, and now it’s ending and I’m—” her voice suddenly thickened “—well, I’m heartbroken.”
There was silence in the car.
Erica glanced in the mirror and caught Claudia’s eye.
Claudia knew that was her cue to say something. “Empty-nest syndrome. Isn’t that what it’s called?”
Anna cleared her throat. “Probably, but in the end it doesn’t matter what it’s called. It only matters how it feels, and it feels awful. And it hasn’t even happened yet! If I can feel this bad anticipating it, how much worse am I going to feel actually doing it? And as well as missing them emotionally, I feel as if I’m about to lose my job. The only job I’ve ever loved.” She sent Claudia an apologetic look. “I’m sorry. That was beyond tactless in the circumstances.”
“No, it wasn’t. I never loved my job.” Claudia felt bad that she hadn’t given more thought to how Anna might be feeling now that the twins were about to leave home. “Does Pete know you feel this way?”
“Yes, but it’s different for him. His life isn’t going to change as much because he spends so much time working. He’ll miss them, I’m sure, but it won’t be as hard for him.”
Of course Pete knew.If she had a problem, Anna would have talked to Pete about it. They talked about everything.
John had rarely talked about his problems or feelings. If he’d had a bad day at work his solution was to go for a long run alone, or pour himself a drink. On the few occasions she’d tried to talk about work stress, his response had beenyou’ll figure it out.
And that was true. She hadn’t ever expected him to solve her problems, but there had been many occasions when she would have appreciated a hug or a few warm words like the ones Pete gave Anna whenever she was stressed.
Claudia felt envious of her friend’s relationship. Did she realize how lucky she was? How rare it was to have a relationship where your partner was caring and supportive? “Knowing Pete, I’m sure he had an opinion. What does he think you should do?”
Anna picked at the corner of her nail. “Don’t even ask.”
“And now, obviously, we have to ask and you have to answer.” Erica leaned on her horn as another driver overtook them and almost clipped her car. “Tell us what Pete said.”
Anna rested her hand back in her lap. “He asked if I wanted another baby.”
“You’re joking. That is so caveman of him.”
“I think it’s caring,” Claudia said. “He knows how much Anna loves being a mother. He knowsher. It’s actually very romantic.” She felt another twinge of envy.
Erica shuddered. “You have a strange definition of romance.Here, have another baby. Let me chain you to the nursery for another few years.”
“You know Pete isn’t like that,” Anna said. “It’s my choice.”
