For a brief moment she was tempted to tell Noah how she felt, but she couldn’t push the words past the barrier she’d built inside her. It would have felt disloyal to Brent, particularly given her confused relationship with Noah.
“I’ll be fine.”
He hesitated. “I know you’re trying to keep things the way they were, but you have to find a way that works for you. You have to make a life that works for you.”
Was he talking about the inn or something more personal?
And was she constantly going to look for alternate meanings in everything he said?
However much she tried to pretend differently, the kiss had changed everything. She was thinking things she shouldn’t be thinking. And wanting things she shouldn’t be wanting.And if she really thought they could move on as if nothing had happened, then she was kidding herself.
There were some things you couldn’t forget and some things that couldn’t be undone.
“I’m happy keeping things the way they are. Brent had great ideas.” Her words shattered the almost painful intimacy.
“Right. Of course.” He straightened his shoulders and gave a brief smile. “Apologies if I overstepped.”
She had to stop herself reaching out and assuring him that he hadn’t overstepped. That she was the one who was confused. But that would just muddle the situation even more.
She wished she could rewind the clock to the time when being with him hadn’t felt awkward. But that would have meant undoing the kiss, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to deprive herself of that one memorable moment even if it had left her unsettled.
“We should probably check on Delphi,” she said. “As much as I believe in her good intentions, I don’t entirely trust her not to stuff Rufus with candy.”
“We’ll see you later, then. Message me when you’re on your way over and I’ll meet you at the farmhouse. Dress warmly, both of you. It’s cold out there.”
“We’ll do that.” And this time, she promised herself, there would be no intimate moments in the barn, no long, lingering eye-meets, no heart-stopping kisses. Just an afternoon of Christmas trees and her daughter.
No problem.
SIX
Erica
The drive from New York to Anna’s house in Connecticut took a little under two hours thanks to heavy traffic, construction and an unexpected flurry of snow.
“You have no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to this.” Claudia unwrapped her scarf from her neck and folded it in her lap. “The Maple Sugar Inn looks charming. How did you find it?”
Erica wished she’d thought up a better answer to that question.
“Random searching on the internet.” There had been nothing random about it, but this wasn’t the time to share that. Maybe this evening over a glass of wine when the three of them were together, she’d open up. She imagined herself saying casually,by the way, there is something I need to tell you…
“I keep looking at the photos on the website,” Claudia said, “and the menus are inspiring. It will be bliss to eat food I haven’t had to cook.I can’t wait to be there, curled up in front of that log fire. Given how hard you work, I bet you’re feeling the same way.”
Erica kept her eyes on the road and her hands on the wheel.
She wasn’t feeling the same way. She was feeling a little sick and wishing she’d never booked the Maple Sugar Inn. She could have chosen a nice boutique hotel in Boston and carried on living the life she’d designed for herself, instead of looking for answers to questions she might have been better off not asking.
“Erica? Are you okay? Did you hear anything I just said?”
“All of it. And I’m fine.” The lie came easily. “Just tired, that’s all.”
“Not surprising. Have you even spent a night in your own bed this year? Whenever we talk you’re always in a hotel somewhere. It sounds glamorous, but I guess it’s a little lonely, too, isn’t it?”
“I don’t find it lonely.” There was something about the blankness of a hotel room that soothed her. She kept her surroundings the way she kept the rest of her life—free of clutter. And yes, a therapist would probably tell her that she had some attachment issues, but if that was true then she was fine with that. She owned nothing that she couldn’t happily part with and that, she believed, was a recipe for a happy life.
Claudia seemed to disagree. “With the hours you’ve been putting in I bet you need a vacation. You need to relax.”
“Mmm.” She really did need a vacation, but she knew she wasn’t going to find the next week relaxing. She was unnerved by what lay ahead. She liked her life, so why was she doing something that could potentially shake it up?
