Anna thought about it sometimes. She thought about Erica’s father and wondered what sort of man would walk away from his wife and newborn baby. She tried to imagine Pete doing the same, but it was impossible to imagine it because Pete would no more walk away from his children than he would walk away from Anna.
Over the years she’d entertained hopes that Erica would meet someone and fall in love—Claudia blamed Anna’s addiction to romances—but it had never happened. And now Erica was forty.
Forty.
They’d been close friends for more than two decades, since they’d shared a room in college.
Anna thought about her earlier phone call with Claudia. After they’d finished speaking, she’d taken another look at the Maple Sugar Inn and couldn’t see a single reason why Erica would be choosing it. She had a sneaking suspicion that Claudia was right. Something was wrong with Erica, but she knew from experience that Erica would tell them when she was ready and not before.
Meg finished her pasta and put her fork down. “Also Erica has great clothes and is always in great shape. You would never know she was forty. She doesn’t look that old.”
Pete winced. “Oh, the cruelty of youth. Forty isn’t old. Forty is the new twenty.”
Meg stared at him as if he needed humoring. “Er—okay, Dad. If you say so.”
I’m the same age as Erica, Anna thought. Would people guess she was almost forty? Yes, probably. She wasn’t thin, and she didn’t stride around exuding confidence the way Erica did. She was suddenly aware of the fact that her jeans were biting into her tummy. Maybe the kids leaving home would be the nudge she needed to take better care of herself. Get fit.
“Erica stays in hotels a lot, so she always uses the gym and the pool.” She ignored the little voice in her head that reminded her that exercise was a choice, that you didn’t need a five-star hotel or a gym membership to stay in shape. Claudia was proof of that. She ran most mornings, and worked out several times a week. There was no doubt that of the three of them, Anna was the sloth.
“Exactly,” Meg said. “Erica puts herself first and doesn’t apologize for it.That feature about her last week—what was the headline?” Meg tapped her finger on the table and then smiled. “‘What Glass Ceiling?’ That’s it. About how she’d let nothing get in the way of her ambition. I showed everyone at school. I saidThat’s my godmotherand they were all like,Whoa, you’re kidding. And then the teacher asked if I could invite her in to talk to the school. I said I would, but she’d probably be in Tokyo, or London or somewhere glamorous. She’s an incredible role model for women.”
Anna put her fork down.
She’d spent the past eighteen years trying to be the best mother possible, and now she was discovering that if she’d gone back to work and focused on climbing the career ladder, she might have earned more respect.
And if she’d done that, she’d have something in the future that wasn’t about to change.
“I used to work in the same company as Erica. In fact, I was promoted before she was.” The moment the words left her mouth she felt embarrassed. What was she doing? Trying to prove that she was worthy of thecooltitle, too? Was she really that insecure about herself and her place in the world? Since when was your worth measured in terms of job title and salary?
“You were promoted before she was?” Daniel’s eyes widened, as if he couldn’t even picture his mother occupying the same space as Erica. “Why did you give up?”
“You know why.” Meg rolled her eyes at her brother. “She had us.”
Daniel looked troubled. “But you could have carried on working.”
It intrigued her how simple the world seemed to her children. They saw everything in black-and-white, no shades of gray.Maybe that was one of the advantages of hitting forty. You saw things in a more nuanced way.
“I could have carried on working.” She smiled. “But I enjoyed being a mother. Our family has always been my priority, and I have no regrets about that.” No regrets, but lately she’d wondered how her life might look if she’d made different decisions. “You’ll be making these decisions yourself one day.”
“I’m not sure I’m going to have children with the state the planet is in,” Meg said. “Your generation has broken it. Thanks a lot, Mom.”
Anna blinked. Now she was being held personally responsible for global warming.
“Anyway, you can still go back to work. It’s not too late. As Dad says, forty isn’tthatancient.” Meg helped herself to another piece of garlic bread. “Priya’s mom has just gone back to work in a doctor’s office.”
Anna tried to imagine herself working in a doctor’s office.
That wouldn’t happen. She’d been out of the workforce for too long. She had no skills. She’d have to retrain and she wouldn’t even know what to retrain as. She couldn’t think of anything she wanted to do. Her life stretched ahead, empty and without purpose. She imagined herself walking from room to room, tidying things that were already tidy.
She’d always known this moment would come, so why wasn’t she better prepared?
After the kids had cleared the table and helped load the dishwasher—she might be a stay-at-home mother, but she wasn’t a walkover—she glanced at Pete.
“It seems you and I are getting the tree by ourselves on Saturday.”
“Mmm. I can pick one up on my way home from work on Friday if you like. I pass a store that sells them.”
His answer unlocked the misery she’d kept inside. “Sure. Why not just add it to our weekly shopping? Maybe we should buy one already decorated so we don’t have to bother with that part, either.” She saw him raise his eyebrows and sighed. “Sorry. Ignore me.”
