Maybe it was her. Maybe she wasn’t capable of feeling as if she was part of something.
She’d slept badly, her mind replaying the moment Jamie had made the announcement. Everyone had said all the right things but there had been a split second, a moment that she would have missed had she not been looking at Jamie’s mother, when she’d seen something less than delight. She’d seen shock and wished now that she’d pushed harder to persuade Jamie to tell them in advance. The knowledge that they were now adjusting to this major piece of news hadn’t done anything to help her relax.
She’d eventually fallen asleep in the early hours and woken to find the bed empty and a sweet note on the pillow from Jamie.
Taking the dog out for a walk. Back soon. I love you xx
She’d folded the note and put it in her bag along with the others (she kept every note he’d ever written her and sometimes reread them to check this was all real) but she couldn’t help wishing that instead of writing her a note, he’d woken her up and taken her with him. She wanted to get this right. She wanted to do the right thing and say the right thing, and she didn’t know what those were.
She’d showered, dressed and then stood by the window watching for him, wondering when exactly she’d become so insecure and pathetic that she needed a man by her side before she left the room. In the distance near the sea she could see two figures and assumed that if one of them was Jamie then the other was presumably Rosie, or maybe his mother.
Were they talking about her? Wondering what on earth he’d been thinking marrying her with no warning?
She sighed and sat down on the window seat.
She glanced down at the rings on her finger, the ones they’d agreed she wouldn’t wear until after they made their announcement. The diamond had come first, then the thin gold band just a few weeks later. Part of her still couldn’t quite believe it. Not the rings, but the feelings she had for him. She hadn’t known it was possible to feel this way.
Correction. She hadn’t known it was possible forherto feel this way. This kind of life happened to other people, not her, and nothing in her past experience had prepared her for it.
She’d learned to take care of herself, to give herself praise, encouragement and nurture. Sharp words, when necessary. When it came to leaning on someone, trusting someone, she was a novice. By rights she should have taken her time over it, taking it step by cautious step. But from the moment she’d met Jamie caution had been left by the roadside. She had no idea why or how she trusted him, but she did. She had no doubts about her own feelings, and no doubts about his. But this—this family gathering and being all together for Christmas—was something else.
Watching Christmas movies gave you atmosphere and fairy lights but it didn’t teach you anything useful about how to navigate family dynamics. They were a unit, knitted together by shared history and love. How did an outsider become part of that?
Impatient with herself, she was about to force herself to join them downstairs when there was a tap on the door.
Hoping it was Jamie, Hayley opened it.
Rosie stood there, her cheeks pink from her walk outside, her hair long and loose and tumbling. “Hey there. I came to lure you down for breakfast. Mum has sent Jamie to bring in more logs, even though I pointed out I’m more than capable of hauling a few logs.” She pretended to flex her muscles. “He won’t be long, and in the meantime I make an excellent cappuccino if I can tempt you. Or I can make tea, if you’re not a coffee drinker. English Breakfast, green, peppermint—you must state your preferences, and don’t be polite otherwise you’ll be eating and drinking things you hate for the rest of your life.”
“Coffee is great, thank you.”
At least Rosie was friendly. Hayley hadn’t been sure what reaction she’d get this morning after their announcement the night before.
She quietly scanned Rosie’s outfit. Thick leggings and a pretty Fair Isle sweater. She breathed a sigh of relief. She’d been unsure what to wear (was she supposed to dress up? Look festive?) and in the end she’d put on black jeans with a cream cable-knit sweater that she loved.
“While it’s just the two of us, let me see the ring.” Rosie grabbed her hand and peered closely. “Oooh, it’s beautiful. I didn’t know Jamie had such good taste. Was it a surprise? Tell me how he proposed.”
Hayley wasn’t used to divulging private information. Andshe definitely couldn’t share that particular anecdote. They’d been in bed, naked, and Jamie had pulled her close and saidthis is how I want to spend the rest of my life, and she’d saidso do I, and that had been it. A moment of delicious intimacy, binding them forever. Surely that was supposed to be private, even from family? “It was—he—”
“I can see I shouldn’t have asked.” Rosie gave her a naughty grin. “Better keep it to yourself. There are some things a girl doesn’t want to know about her brother. Come on. It’s Christmas Eve Eve, which always means pancakes.”
Hayley followed her into the kitchen that looked over the garden and from there to the sea. The room was warm and inviting, and surprisingly cosy given its generous size. A vase of winter foliage sat in the middle of the large kitchen island, pale eucalyptus mingling with stems clustered with scarlet berries.
Jenny was standing at the kitchen island mixing something in a bowl. Delicious smells wafted from the oven, and rows of freshly baked gingerbread men lay cooling on a rack.
“Ah, there you are, Hayley.” She paused what she was doing. “I hope you slept well. Sit down. Take five minutes because it will be chaotic soon. We have so much to do for the party later. My parents will be here shortly, and then Becky. And Will, of course, although I expect he’ll be going home and coming back later tonight. It must all be a bit overwhelming for you, all these names and people that you don’t know, but Rosie can tell you who everyone is, so don’t feel daunted.”
At least Jamie’s mother was speaking to her, which was a relief. More than speaking. She was warm and welcoming, as if Hayley was a treasured guest and not someone who had been sprung on her.
Hayley smiled gratefully as Rosie put a cappuccino in front of her. “Thank you.”
Declan appeared, his hair damp from the shower.
He greeted them politely, and Hayley remembered Jamietelling her it was Declan’s first Christmas with the family too. It was almost a comfort to think that someone else felt as awkward as she did.
Rosie walked across the kitchen and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Nice shower? I hope Jamie didn’t steal all the water. I took Percy out for a walk, but I left you to sleep because you looked so comfortable—”
“Rosie, breathe,” Jenny said. “Are you a morning person, Declan? Rosie has too much energy for most of us in the morning, but of course you’re used to her by now. Breakfast won’t be long, but in the meantime I suspect what you need is strong coffee.”
