“No. I don’t want to stop.” Of course she should be asking herself why. A tiny part of her knew that this was just going to make a complicated situation even more complicated, but she didn’t care. Her need for him overwhelmed everything.
She’d known him her whole life, but this was a different Will. He felt familiar and yet at the same time deliciously unfamiliar. His kiss was hot and hungry, the brush of his fingers slow and deliberate as he touched her jaw and then her throat.
She was consumed by a raw and visceral longing and so was he. She felt it in his touch and tasted it on his kisses. Her knees felt wobbly as he urged her back to the bed and gave up supporting her altogether as he stripped off her clothes.
She tumbled back onto the soft covers of her bed, her fingers divesting him of his shirt and then his belt, his hands removing their underwear, their movements uneven and urgent. And then there was nothing but heat and urgency and an intimacy that she knew was going to change everything. With every brush of his fingers and touch of his mouth he reshaped their relationship and she did the same, and during those secret steamy moments in the semidarkness of her room she discovered new things about him but also new things about herself.
And afterwards, when all the lines between them had been blurred or redrawn, she lay with her eyes closed, reluctant to open them because her eyelids formed the only barrier between her and the real world. She didn’t want to step back into reality. The real world meant confronting what had happened, making decisions, thinking about other people, thinking about what was right. The real world meant stress and pressure and expectation.
For a short time she’d done what had felt right, and she’d done it just because it had felt right and for no other reason.
What had started as fake had become real, or maybe it had always been real but she’d refused to see it. She’d slotted him firmly into the friend box because he was an important part of her life and she wanted it to stay that way. Friendship had a longevity that didn’t always come with romantic relationships.
How could she ever have thought she was in love with Declan? Her feelings for him were a pale, insignificant shadow of what she felt for Will.
ShelovedWill, and this time there was no doubt. No confusion. No question about what she was feeling. She’d never been so sure of anything in her life. And understanding that made everything clearer.
She could see now that it had never been about Declan. It wasn’t losing Declan that had shaken her that day of the wedding, it was losing Rosie. Her twin. The entire emotional landscape of her life had changed and she hadn’t been able to decipher her feelings.
But she was clear about her feelings now.
Her heart, her soul, all of her belonged to the man lying next to her.
She didn’t regret what they’d shared. Not for a moment was she regretting her choices, but she was under no illusion as to what had just happened under the soft sparkle of Christmas lights. Yes, they were lovers, but she knew that for him at least it changed nothing. It was complicated, but in some ways not at all complicated. For him their night together had been no more than a surrender to physical chemistry, a union of two people who’d made a choice and knew exactly what they were doing. What they were giving. And she wasn’t going to pretend otherwise. She wasn’t going to let herself think of fairy tales or happy endings, because in the delicious blur of memory, which she knew she’d relive over and over again, there was one thing she couldn’t ignore. He hadn’t saidI love you. Through the whole wild, desperate encounter where he’d whisperedwords against her mouth, he hadn’t said anything that might indicate that his feelings had changed. The chemistry between them was honest and real, but he hadn’t pretended even for a moment that it was anything more. In their moments of deepest intimacy, he hadn’t spoken those words even though at one point she’d willed him to.
And now what?
She wanted to stay here, pressed against his warmth, wrapped tightly by the memories of the love they’d shared.
Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, but for once she didn’t want Christmas to come. It was going to be hard to pretend that nothing had changed, and yet that was what she had to do.
She’d play the game, hold his hand, smile into his eyes and act like a woman in love, and that part would be easy because it was real.
And when the time came to let him go, she’d play her part as agreed. She’d let her heart break privately, and hope that all his experience with that particular part of the human body didn’t give him extra insight into her feelings.
The irony of the situation hadn’t escaped her.
She’d pretended that she was with Will to avoid complication. She hadn’t anticipated that it would make things a thousand times worse.
But she wasn’t going to think about that now.
She was going to keep her eyes closed for a little longer.
Chapter23
Jenny
Jenny was up early on Christmas Eve. Despite her reassuring conversation with Martin she’d barely slept, anxious thoughts racing through her mind. Jamie (had he rushed into this marriage and was it going to crumble in time?). Becky (was it real?). Rosie (what exactly was the problem between her and Declan?). Martin (would he be able to adjust to retirement and what if he couldn’t?). Why was it that worries seemed to grow and feel insurmountable in the depths of the night? A problem that niggled at two in the afternoon could feel like the end of the world at two in the morning. And why was it that she still worried about her children even though they were adults and had been making their own decisions for a long time?
Martin had reminded her that he shared the worry with her but that statement had provided little comfort in the dregs of the night when she was wide awake and worrying and he was fast asleep and clearly not worrying at all. Then, at least, she’d held the weight of it and it had pressed on her until she was hardly able to breathe.
She’d almost kicked him awake and saidit’s your turn to worrynow, I’m done, but she wasn’t selfish enough to do that, and anyway she didn’t trust him to worry properly and give all the problems and potential problems his full attention.
And now it was Christmas Eve. This was usually her favourite day, when all the fun of Christmas still lay ahead. Normally they bundled up after breakfast and all went for a family walk on the beach, but after the chaos of the night before she wasn’t sure that would happen.
She checked the living room, grateful to Audrey, who had stayed to help her clear up after the rest of the guests had left. Thanks to her friend, and also to Hayley, the place was immaculate and ready for them to enjoy Christmas.
She walked into the kitchen and flicked on the lights. Not just the main lights, but the fairy lights and the tiny glowing Christmas trees she’d bought, and the pinecone garland that she’d strung along the tops of the cupboards, and which Martin had already managed to pull off twice by opening the doors too violently. He’d mutteredthere’s too much Christmas in this houseas he’d untangled himself from fake greenery, but she didn’t agree with him.
