? Buy a car so I can drive up for weekends
? Look into remote work & flexible scheduling options
? Find out if there are other accounting positions Hannah might want
? Research bartending positions in Manhattan
? Tell Hannah I love her regardless of the job
I read it twice. Then turned the page to another list:How to Survive Long Distance. And the next page:Ways to Convince Hannah to Let Me Support Her While She Figures Out What She Wants.
“They’re all wrong, I realize that now,” Connor said, his voice cracking. “Because they’re all about what I can do.” He took a shaky breath. “I don’t know how to love someone without a plan, Hannah. I don’t know how to just… be. Without fixing.”
I stared at the lists that were simultaneously the most Connor thing I’d ever seen… and completely missing the point.
“The lists aren’t the problem,” I said slowly. “You making contingency plans for us—that’s sweet. Neurotic, but sweet.” I touched the edge of the notebook. “The problem is you madethem without me. You’re planning my life like I’m not part of the equation.”
“I just wanted to be ready—”
“For what? Every possible scenario where I might need you?” I looked down at his careful handwriting. “Connor, I don’t need you to have all the answers. I don’t need you to fix my problems or protect me from failure.”
“Then what do you need? Tell me what you need and I’ll—” He stopped, seeming to realize what he was doing even as he did it.
“I need you to ask,” I said. “Ask what I want instead of assuming you know.”
He took a ragged breath, then looked up at the sky like he was gathering his thoughts. I kept silent, my heart aching at the pained pinch in his brow.
“When my mom got sick,” Connor said as he pulled into himself, arms wrapped tight across his chest, “I made lists. Medication schedules. Doctor appointments. Symptoms to watch for. Physical therapy routines. Meal plans for when she couldn’t swallow properly anymore.”
Oh.Oh god.
“I thought if I could just anticipate every problem, track every symptom… maybe I could slow it down. Maybe I could keep her longer.” He looked at me then, his eyes red. “She still died. I did everything right. Every single thing. And she still died. And I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t save her.”
My anger cracked, leaving me feeling like my ribs couldn’t hold my heart inside anymore.
“And with you—” His voice broke completely now. “I thought if I could prove I was useful enough—then maybe you wouldn’t leave. Maybe I’d be worth keeping around.”
My throat went tight.
Sebastian had controlled me because he needed the power. He needed to be right, needed me to make him look good.
Connor was trying to earn love by being indispensable. Trying to prove his worth through usefulness.
He wiped at his face. “I’ve spent every Christmas alone for three years. And tonight I made my mom’s recipes. I tried so hard to make everything perfect so your parents would see you the way I do. And then…” His voice cracked. “And then you just walked out. Just like you moved out of my room to the couch. When I asked you to come to the wedding, you suggested an exit clause." He took a ragged breath. "Every time I think I mean something to you, you leave. And I’m left standing there trying to figure out what I did wrong.”
Shit. He’d been alone on Christmas, and this year he’d finally worked through it by cooking his mom’s recipes—and I’d walked out on him.
I ran every time things got hard. Moved to the couch when intimacy scared me. Walked out into the cold rather than staying to fight.
Neither of us was blameless. His suffocating care and my constant retreat.
But at least we could see it now, talk about it instead of hiding from it.
He looked at me directly, eyes raw. “I’ve felt so lonely since I lost her… but it hasn’t felt that way since I met you. But I don’t know how to make you happy, I don’t know how to be enough.”
“You’re enough,” I said quietly. “Just you. Without the lists or the planning or the fixing. You’re enough.”
He shook his head. “I’m not. I’m just—” He gestured helplessly. “I’m just a guy who loves you and doesn’t know how to show it without trying to control it.”
