“Being with Theo made me feel so special. I was over the moon for him, and itfeltlike a love story. Except because it clearly wasn’t mutual, that is. Sure, he dropped a few hints that he wasn’t settled in life. I think he is reaching for a level of perfection that doesn’t exist, at least not in my mind. However, I hoped that would eventually change.”
“So, you thought you could fix him.” Anna put the end of her pen to her mouth.
“Well, no. Not that. I just thought—” She cut me off.
“That wasn’t a question, Claire. You felt special because someone like this ‘chose you,’ but he wasn’t satisfied with what you offered because he’s seeking something else entirely. And I’m sorry that happened. And you may not feelthis way yet, but believe me, Claire… Your future husband is out there right now, waiting to meet you.”
“No, you’re right. Itdoes notfeel that way right now. Despite understanding what you’re saying, I can’t control it.Imiss him.I really think he is the one for me. Thatheis my future husband.”
“Claire, everything is out of our hands. You are not in control, but God is. And that’s why we pray.”
Anna looked at me for a long time before changing the subject. I could tell she just wanted to knock some sense into me and shake me like a rag doll, but thankfully for me, she was far too kind and patient for that.
“When was the last time you had a change of scenery? Maybe that could help you get out of this funk. Even if only for a few days. With the ski season just getting ramped up and this unusually cold winter we are having, it could really change the game for you to see what else is out there before the chaos of the busy season.”
I snorted and laughed. “Like a vacation?” I hadn’t considered one for quite some time but mostly because for the last year, my life revolved around Theo. “I don’t know if I can afford one. But it does sound intriguing. I’ve alwayswanted to go to an island somewhere and see what it’s like to be too hot for a change.”
“So, we have a goal to write in our journal. Take a vacation.”
She motioned to the pretty pen and paper I brought to all of my sessions, at her request, but this was the first time I realized what they were for. I wrote the three words and waited, seeing if they would make me feel better.
“Having something to look forward to is a game changer, Claire. Vacations don’t have to break the bank, either. Some of the best trips I’ve ever taken were on a shoestring budget.”
I considered renting a place a few hours away in a bigger town that had no ties to skiing or snow, but immediately felt filled with dread. It was almost like Iwantedto be here andwantedto be miserable. I was about to share my self-analysis with Anna before she interjected my thoughts.
“While we’re at it, let’s add ‘accomplish a goal’ to that list. Any goal you set, of your choosing. Like you said, you feel you need to set out and do something. Claire, I believethat is God steering you towards something, and I want you to explore it.”
My hands felt shaky at the idea as I wrote it down. I think I knew what that goal was, but it was far too scary to admit it out loud…yet.
“There’s also a pattern I’ve noticed with you. You deflect some, not all, but a substantial amount of responsibility for your life onto others. We all do it, but I want you to consider it from now on. You need to take charge of your life by giving Jesus the reins. Let Him direct your steps. Let Him guide you in your day-to-day choices, not the weight of other people’s opinions. Can you do that, Claire?”
I considered the question and saw she was again correct. Despite being emotionally wounded by my breakup, I had been playing the victim in many other aspects of my life, missing out on the countless opportunities I could have taken. “Giving up control is a very scary thing, Anna. I don’t know if I can do it.”
“I know it seems scary. But we must submit to God’s will for our lives. Think of it this way: I want less of me—my choices, my decisions, my skewed logic—because I am an imperfect sinner, living in a fallen world. And I want more ofJesus with His perfect plan for my life. Because what could be better than that?”
I shed a tear as she spoke. “I never thought of it that way before.”
She jotted some notes down before flipping over to a new page. “When was the last time you spoke to your father?”
“It’s been a little over a week, when my parents stopped by on my birthday, after I fell asleep in the tub.” I sheepishly smiled, still feeling awkward about that encounter. A week was a long time to go without talking to family, and I knew it. “I’ve spoken to my mother a handful of times since, over text message, so they know I’m okay and all.”
“It sounds like you owe him a phone call.” Anna crossed her legs, putting the ball back in my court. “Add that to your list, too.”
After I wrote it down, I felt like the wind had been sucked out of my sails. “I just want to put it off until I have something to tell him.”
“Here we go with the people pleasing again. Where does this need to please him come from? Do you feel the same way about anyone else?”
“For the people pleasing aspect, no, I really don’t feel the need for anyone else but my dad. Why do I feel like I need to? That’s why I’m here.” I flashed a smile and winked at Anna, knowing I was being very unhelpful. I certainly didn’t want to shatter what hope remained for me by confessing that Theo had dumped me.
“Do you think it’s that you admire him so much that you aim to be at his level?”
“Yes, but I’m not capable of achieving anything like that now. Even if I tried to do something like taking up skiing, for instance… I’m getting too late of a start.”
“Do you want to start?”
Do I? Is that what I want? I felt relief drain from my body; someone else spoke into existence the goal that I was too afraid to write moments ago. “Yes.” I felt the lump in my throat as I explored this desire that I’d avoided for years. It wasn’t just that I wanted to, but the feelings of others’ expectations of my implied ability mixed with my own feelings of inadequacy were a lethal combo to my mental health. With Theo, there had been so much pressure to ski that I couldn’t start. With my father, he never really offered the chance.
“Claire, I give you permission to start anything you feel you need to explore. Write that down for your accomplishment: ‘learn to ski.’ I will even comp today to go towards your first lift ticket.”
