“Well, I’m afraid I have even less to report this time around. I probably shouldn’t have even come in unless I had something worthy of therapy.”Not to mention the $120 an hour rate,I thought to myself.
“Everything we’ve been working on is worthy.”
I nodded in reply. Anna was right; I had come a long way in my emotional processing and walk with Christ since I started counseling. While I had been attending counseling lessfrequently over the last year since being so happy and distracted with Theo, Anna received my SOS call and immediately scheduled me for three sessions following the breakup. But every time I entered there, I was at a loss for words, and she had to manually get me talking.
“Now,” Anna sat on the couch across from me, pulling out her notes and the Bible. “What’s happened so far today?” She smiled at me coyly, ready for the waterfall of words to pour from my mouth.
It worked like a charm, and within seconds, I was replaying the mundane details of my morning routine to her, that if I hadn’t shared them, they would go undetected and forgotten from history. And every time I went through the recounting of the moments, I’d recall why I was there in the first place.
“Theo just brutally blindsided me by dumping me. I feel like a failure and like I’m starting over in life. It doesn’t help that by the time my dad was thirty, he was an Olympian. I don’t know what to do, where to start, or how to take control of my life anymore. But I know I need to do something soon. I am desperate to do something… anything… significant.” Saying it aloud to someone I was paying handsomely was simple, but these were things that I could never share with a friend. Not that I had very many of them around those days.Since my town was being bought up piece by piece by a ski conglomerate, almost everyone had moved away to cheaper, greener pastures.
“What exactly do you feel you need todo?”
“Either tackle something at a big level, or maybe marry someone who has? I don’t know. It’s pathetic to hear the words come out, especially since I very well know neither of those things is going to happen.” I slumped my chin into my fist and sighed.
“And why is that? You’re still young.”
“Turning thirty felt very… finite. I swear I hear a violin playing in the background music that is my life’s soundtrack, as if my life is a movie. It should be a flirty romantic comedy, but it’s shaping up to be a Shakespearean tragedy. I just feel like anything I start now is going to be lame.”
Anna took her pen to paper, rapidly scribbling down notes. “You are the only one setting that standard for yourself, Claire. It seems to me that you’re putting your father on a pedestal where no one should be except God. The idolizationof man is sinful. Don’t get me wrong; we are to love one another, but not worship. I want you to pray about this immediately.”
Was I… idolizing? I reflected on her words for a moment. “I don’t know if I would call it that… I just want to be like him, date someone he likes, make life choices he will approve of…” I trailed off, then seeing that it wasexactlywhat I’d been doing.Lord, you are so patient with me.“Yikes, you’re totally right, Anna. I’ve put my father at a god-like level. I never would’ve considered that unless you said something, so thank you.”
“Hmm. You told me once that your dad never pushed you to ski because he wanted you to find your own thing... And you didn’t exactly beg him to. What happened to that? What isyourthing?”
I put my head in my hands. “That’s the problem. I don’t have my own hobbies. I just think that had I started when I was a kid, itcould have beenmy thing.”
“Could’a, would’a, should’a, Claire. You know what I always say... It’s the devil who wants us to regret. God is in the present. What do you feel He is leading you towards? What do you think God wants for your life?”
“I know He led me to help with the youth group at church. And that has given me so much fulfillment. I just love helping the church, and the teens are a blast.” There was something really special about being around teenagers. I connected with them on a different wavelength because, even though I was older, I felt like my emotional growth had been stunted due to not marrying or having kids of my own. Despite feeling like a teenager myself, the only difference was that I could eat cake without permission. I shrugged it off. I had felt lost for quite some time. “I know it sounds cliché, and not very ‘progressive’ of me, but I really thought I would be married by now. The fact I’m not married feels like one more disappointment.”
“That’s not true. You still have plenty of time for that. I didn’t get married until I was thirty-seven. I know the struggles of waiting. But I promise you, it’s worth the wait if it means you find the right partner— someone who adds to your life and brings you joy, not someone who takes joy away.”
I took a deep breath, believing her as my eyes moved over to the wedding picture on her desk. I picked it up, analyzing it for the secrets of finding someone. “I also want a family. I thought I’d have the perfect family by now: a boy anda girl, both with flaming red hair like my mother. We’d have a golden retriever named Scout. But most of all, there would be love. And I would love them no matter what they did.”
“That sounds familiar.” Anna put down her pen.
“How so?” I scrunched my forehead in confusion, putting the wedding picture back on her desk with no more answers than I had to start with.
“Your father never forced you into his sport, encouraging you to find your own ‘thing,’ and now it’s easily one of your biggest grudges in life.”
I released my expression. Anna was right. I held that against him, putting the blame on everyone else but me. If I was honest with myself, I would have never committed to lessons or formal solo attempts at skiing either. I consistently directed all of my blame away from myself for as far back as I could remember. “I know he loves me, and I love him. I love both of my parents. They are the best.”
Anna wrote a note to herself. I was about to ask her for a copy of her notes, when I remembered something else. “And, they loved Theo. I’m just sick about breaking the news to them that Theo dumped me… I have been avoiding having that conversation at all.” I hid my face in my hands.
“So, you haven’t told them yet? Okay. But what’s the worst thing that could happen when you do?”
My mind raced with possibilities. I had a visual of my father adopting Theo legally as his son. “I feel like they will just think I am a loser, because that’s how I feel.”
“No. That’s how Theo made you feel. There’s a difference, Claire.”
Her words hit me like a stray arrow. I played with them in my mind for a moment. “Hmm. Well, getting dumped is pretty brutal, I suppose. It makes me feel… unworthy in life.”
Anna nodded. “I know, but that’s the devil playing his hand once again. Let me put it this way…” Anna set her notepad and pen down, using her hands to speak. “God is love. Anything that isn’t love, hurt, anger, fear— that’s the devil playing into our emotions. God will never make you feel those things, so if you are, you know who is.”
“That’s beautiful.” I gave that some retrospection. “Regardless, it still hurts a lot considering I spent fourteen months with this person and really saw myself marrying him. So, part of me doesn’t know how I should feel. I just wish thatGod would spell it out for me. Lord, please show me what to do, tell me how to feel, and lead me to the right path.”
“Did you want to marry him for the optics, or did every fiber in your being speak the language that only you and him know? When God sends us love, we know. There’s a difference. The right guy vs. the right now guy is not the same. And I’m not saying every love story is a long-winded dramatic affair that could grace the pages of a romance novel, but in your heart, it might feel that way.”
