“We have to take in the car for its winter tires this afternoon, so we better get going.” My father stopped in front of his Olympian Wheaties Box framed poster I had of him on my wall. “You could do much better than this thing for art,dear. What about a nice, colorful landscape? An oil painting of a valley of wildflowers? I’d be happy to help you pick out something a little more hip and stylish,” he teased me, and I leaned in for a hug.
The second they left, I let out a silent cry. My chest hurt from the carbs, sugar, and pain causing my anxiety levels to peak even higher. I picked up the picture of Theo on my shelf, surprised he didn’t take it with his belongings, as he gave it to me when we started dating. It was almost funny to think about then, but I loved it, and it had been there on my shelf ever since. In the photo, he was donning a vintage one-piece ski suit from the 1980s. It was quite colorful and had neon pieces sewn in random patterns. He wasn’t smiling but had more of a smirk as he stared into the camera. I pondered at the question: Was he ever genuinely happy with me, and if so, what changed?
Holding the photo, I felt as if he’d left it behind on purpose so I could mourn him. Suddenly, I wanted to throw the frame, break a window, and have it land on another continent. But I refrained; instead, I pulled open the door to the hallway closet that Theo had become so comfortable using and set it inside, face down on an emptied shelf.
A feeling of resentment pulsed through my veins.Lord, please don’t let me go down this path.No matter what, I do not want to feel hatred towards others, I prayed silently. No matter what, the feelings I had for Theo were real and very raw. It was going to be an emotional rollercoaster… But I hated to feel like I was constantly on the brink of a nervous breakdown.
The sugar from the cake hit me all at once, so I found the strength to clean up the kitchen, coffee area, and dining table. Then, returning to the couch, I fluffed up the pillows and shook out the throw blanket. Absentmindedly retrieving my phone, I saw a reply from Patricia acknowledging my personal day as well as the two missed calls from my parents, but nothing else.
I lay on the couch until darkness came again, replaying the scene from the day before over and over in my mind. Despite all of it, I still expected Theo to contact me in some form that day. I checked my social media apps, but there was just well wishes from friends. No texts had come through. I even checked my seldom-used personal email… Nothing. Did Theo even care that it was my birthday?
Pain came again later when I saw Theo had updated his profile picture on social media from one of us to a photo of just him. With Theo’s notoriety, he had thousands of followers on all of his accounts, but only this one he kept for family and friends, so I felt the jab from it. Though we had never publicly declared online to be in a relationship as he always preferred to keep his private life private, it was clear. He was back on the prowl.
I couldn’t fathom returning to work the next day. I didn’t care what it meant for my job. My only care at the time was getting over the hurt and heartbreak. Closing my social media apps, I sent Patricia an email saying that I would be out the rest of the week.
*****
As the sun slowly slid behind the peaks of Sage Mountain, I was growing tired of wallowing in my pity party. I had the rest of the week to do so, since I’d already called out of work… And it was my birthday. Ever since I could remember, that day of the year ended on ice skates, so that’s what I grudgingly set out to do.
The rink was a quarter mile from home. Though it was bitter cold, I layered up as best I could, while still retaining movement, gearing up in red snow overalls and a white thermal with a heavy black sweater over it. I topped it with a down parka. Slipping into my snow boots, I walked the distance, hoping the exercise would warm me up along the way.
When I arrived, the same family who ran the rink since I was a child was there to greet me, but instead of having their children there, they pointed out to me a new grandchild. “That’s little Flora. Isn’t she adorable? Already on skates—my heart.” Paul clutched his chest and smiled, while his wife, Philippa, handed me a pair of skates.
“Happy birthday, Claire.”
“How did you remember? Gosh, I just love you two. Thank you.”
“You have the same birthday as our oldest, Sheree. I remember when you were both little girls out here skating together. Now, you’re all grown up.”
I reminisced while she spoke. “I remember that. How is Sheree? Is this her daughter, Flora?”
Philippa shook her head. “No. Sheree has two beautiful children, Samuel and Ashley, but they live in Colorado. They will be here for Christmas.”
My heart warmed knowing that Sheree had a family of her own, but it also served as yet another reminder that I was still waiting for my turn. I thanked them for the skates and turned to the rink.
Lacing up my skates and putting my snow boots out of the way under the bench, I did a familiar hobble onto the platform to get to the ice. The rink was gorgeous under the starry night sky; trees covered in twinkling lights surrounded it. Paul and Philippa served hot chocolate and apple cider while kids roasted marshmallows at the adjacent fire pits. I could hear a piano playing nearby, but I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.
I did a few trips around the rink and thought about my life; wondering if I had done anything differently, would it have created another outcome? I supposed in a sense, yes, it would have if I had left the state for college and never returned. Had I majored in art history, I could have become a professor. If I had taken up skiing when I was young, maybe I would have been following Theo to Canada. If I had chosen anyof those options, it was possible that I would have been scaling mountains on that very day in the Swiss Alps with my husband, whom I met in college, and the children we had right after getting married. I wouldn’t have been at the ribbon cutting with my father and never would have met Theo. Or would I had? Would I have flown in, no matter what, to be there when my father got the honors of cutting the ribbon by my hometown community? Could I really have chosen a different path and pursued things that I wasn’t passionate about? I didn’t think so.
I realized I had zero regrets about Theo. He was a part of my life, and I wouldn’t change a thing about it except for the heartbreak I was feeling then. Oh, how I longed for it to pass. If only things could have been different for us.
Remembering God and His promises for my life, these were things I didn’t need to be worrying about. I couldn’t change the outcome of what had already happened. I could only continue to pray for what could be.
A few couples skated past me, holding hands. It made me think of Theo, of course, but since he had been out of town last year on my birthday, I had no memories of him there with me, to which I felt relieved. That was my tradition,after all—something I’d done countless years alone. And I was doing it again.
A gentle snow fell around me, the snowflakes kissing my face. The world was quiet as I took smooth strides around the rink, enjoying the peace of the snow and the magical element that it brought as it fell all around me. A feeling of gratefulness burst through my heart. “Thank you, God, for the beauty of your creation.”
After twenty minutes, my core and legs felt warmed up, but my ears and nose felt like they might be on the verge of breaking off if I didn’t step into a warm building. I exited the rink, swapping out my skates and feeling pleased that I not only checked that box, but I fully enjoyed its festive atmosphere and community. I drank a cup of hot cider with Paul and Philippa at their stand next to the warmth of the heat lamp, but I still could not warm up. Then, the piano music got louder.
“Where is that coming from?” I asked Philippa, while Paul assisted a happy, young couple with their skates.
“That’s the new piano bar, just over there. See?” She pointed to a brick building with white trim. “With the people walking in... that one.”
“A piano bar? I didn’t know we had such a thing. Hmm. Sounds kind of fun.”
“You should go check it out. Let me live through you, as we are stuck here until ten. Have fun, Claire. It’s your birthday.”
At her orders, I went directly there, just one block up. I didn’t let myself think about it, or I would have talked myself out of it.
