I looked at him in horror before bursting into laughter. “No, Theo. I do not want to start over. I do not want to commit the rest of my life to something that I’m really experiencing now for the first time, only because I’m free to do so on my own terms. I do not want to be in a relationship with you. We weren’t really in love. You didn’t love me.”
Next, it was Theo who looked confused.
Suddenly, the ski lift came to a screeching halt, as a small alarm could be heard from the top. “Oh no. Did someone fall?” I wondered aloud.
“I hope not. It gets cold fast when we stay still.” He extended his arm like he was going to wrap it around me when I used the bar on my lap to scoot further away from him. After a moment of silence, he laughed. We were only halfway up the lift, completely stuck with one another when I prayed for Theo.
Lord, please give me the words to say to this person. He isn’t seeing things clearly, and I pray that I can get through to him and get through this.
“I forgive you.” The words flew out of my mouth before I could think about them, before I could even feel them out to see if it was true. But then I knew; I did forgive him. “And… I have moved on in life. And so have you, or at least, you did. You didn’t love me, Theo. You loved the idea of me, and I see now just how mutual that was. I did the same thing to you, and for that, I’m sorry.”
“Claire, I do love you. I am in love with you. Tara was just a skier who liked me and yes, I took it too far. I shouldn’t have entertained a friendship with her while we were together. But it’s you, Claire. It’s always been you.”
He was pleading with me, and three weeks ago, I would’ve cried happy tears for this very moment. This was the man I always wanted him to show. But it became clear: He just wanted what he couldn’t have. I thought of Blake; he never made me feel like I was inadequate. I thought back to Theo’s skiing lessons comment with dread. The chair lift was just moments away from the top if it would ever start going again. I turned and looked Theo in the eyes, holding his gaze. There was a sad person inside, and I didn’t know how that happened, but it was not my fault that he was that way. I’dshown him nothing but grace and kindness. The buck stopped there.
Before I could open my mouth and have a rebuttal, he put his head in his hands. “Have I ever told you what it was like to lose my parents at such a young age?”
The mix of surprise and cold made my face go numb. I shook my head, mumbling a reply.
“It was so brutal. The world felt empty. I’ve never experienced a loss like that since… until now.”
My eyes felt like they could bulge out of my head. Theo wasn’t one for the dramatics, so I was genuinely shocked he felt that way. Looking back, I didn’t know our relationship was strong enough to warrant feelings like that to begin with. “Theo, I am honored that you feel that way about me but…” As I trailed off, praying for the right words to say, he interjected.
“I made a colossal mistake, Claire. I didn’t know what I had until I left you. And I’m sorry for being such a jerk about the skiing thing. Honestly, just seeing you here on skis makes my heart full. I’ve never wanted anything more than this version of you, Claire. But I do hear what you’re saying, even though it’s hard, and if you tell me you never want to skiagain, I can live with it. I can make that sacrifice, because being with you is better than skiing. We can get married tomorrow if you want. If you take me back, I will get down on one knee and make it official the second we get off this chair. Please consider it. I will do anything to make this right with you.”
The chair lift jolted somewhere in his plea, and we started creeping to the top once again while a few cheers were heard behind us. The man who I loved and wanted to marry was offering the chance. We were finally aligned in seeing the version of each other that we always wanted to be with. I could ski away from this lift as an engaged woman. I would be Mrs. Riley McCain with the perfect ski-jumper fiancé to impress my famous downhill skier dad. It was everything I ever wanted. And I meant,was.
The chair slowed, and I slid off onto the snow with him coming up behind me. “I can’t give you what you’re looking for. While I would have done anything to hear those words three weeks ago, this week here has shown me that while I was searching for a relationship that made me feel worthy, I found that kind of fulfillment only comes from Jesus. And learning how to ski—accomplishing something—I feelwhole for the first time in my life. Happy… that I am enough. I see now that being with you was something I wanted to do because you made me feel better about my life, but I don’t need a relationship to feel whole. I hope you find what you’re looking for. But I want you to know, it’s going to start with forming a personal relationship with God.”
I stood there as I watched the man I had loved and was saying goodbye to silently listen to my words. I knew he was in pain; it was hard to feel the way he did, chasing perfection all the time within himself and others. No one would ever be able to match up to his standards. I reached my hands out to him, touching his arms. “No one can love you the way that God can. And it is with His love that you can learn to love others. Goodbye, Theo.”
I slid off, going twenty yards to the left, the top of where two runs met. I watched as he waited several seconds before he turned the other direction and went down a Double Black Diamond.
Lord, please let that seed bear fruit.
There I stood at a crossroads. I could have taken the easy route and may never have had to use my strength or ability. Nothing would have hurt my knees, and I wouldn’t have to worry about feeling embarrassed or sad because I likely wouldn’t fall or get hurt. If I took the hard route, I might have gotten hung up on steep terrain. Other skiers might have cut me off and scared me. It could have taken me three times longer to navigate and falling was almost inevitable. I could guarantee that my entire body would ache with pain from the exertion, and a show of strength and bravery would have been mandatory.
The easy Green run to the right was called “Pinyons Path.” It was smooth and groomed and led to my favorite parts of the resort, which I felt very comfortable on. The Blue run to the left was called “Keith’s Kicker,” and it lived up to that phrase. It was named after an infamous skier who frequented there in the 70s and who made that run himself when it was just an off-piste beater full of rocks and obstacles.
I closed my eyes. “God, I pray for less of me—my insecurities, fears and hangups. And I pray for more of You inmy life. Your blessings, love, and guidance. You are the ski patroller of my life, Lord, and You’ll keep my paths straight.”
I tipped my skis down and went to the left. It was harder than I could have ever imagined. The downhill decline was frightening. If it didn’t say Blue level, I would have thought I’d completed the hardest run the resort had. It felt like hours that I was up there, and I wanted to give up. I wanted to unclip my skis and walk down with one in each hand. There would have been no shame in that, but I was out there to prove something to no one but myself, and to God, that I could trust Him for leading me there. I had been equipped with the lessons that taught me the skills to do that. It was time to remind the little girl inside of me that I could still chase dreams that seemed far-fetched. It was never too late to start.
My knees felt like they were going to break by the time I got to the end, as they’d been in the “Pizza” triangle formation nearly all the way down. I must’ve looked like I was riding an invisible horse with how wide my legs were, and my posture was that of a man from Notre Dame. But it didn’t matter; I made it down an extremely challenging ski run by myself. Not only did I stay upright the entire time, but I didn’tget near the trees, rocks, or other obstacles that may have sent me into a tailspin. At the bottom of the run, I turned to look back at what I’d accomplished. It looked impossibly steep, and in the shadow of the mountain, it was icy. A smile came creeping across my face, while the sharp shaving noises from the other skiers edging their way down felt like music to my ears. I felt complete.Thank you, Lord. I am a skier.
Chapter 10
December 31st
Turning in my ski gear, I slipped into the pair of slippers I’d worn to the gear room that morning, feeling my foot return to full mobility. The stairs brought out more aches and pains in my knees, but I welcomed them, for the payoff was greater than anything else.
Returning to my room, I took a hot shower, thinking of picking up take-out dinner on my way home. I was going over all of the places in my head to see what I had a craving for. Thai? Pizza? A steak salad from my neighborhood bar & grill? Nothing sounded good. I wasn’t sure what I was in the mood for.
Since meals were covered there, I thought maybe I should just grab a bite downstairs and be responsible about things. I could go to the grocery store first thing the morning and restock my fridge with only the healthiest items. Being an adult could be so boring.
I got dressed and dried my hair, putting everything else into my suitcase except my phone. My curiosity was killing me, so I checked my email to see if Blake’s father had in fact sent a job offer. Lo and behold, sitting at the top of my inbox was a message from James Walker.
The job offer was out of this world. From the looks of it, I would be theSenior Design Consultantfor the entire company. I wouldn’t be designing each space from scratch, but more so helping others create the vision I had—delegating, finalizing, approving—what Patricia’s job should have been for me, had she not gotten wrapped up in the wrong things. With excitement, I read and loved everything about the job. I nearly lost consciousness when I read the salary was 50% higher than what I had been making, plusfour weeksof vacation time, cleverly called “PTO—Powder Time-Off.” Itwasa skiing conglomerate, after all... The start date he listed was two weeks from that day and the proverbialcherry on top. “God, you really are made of miracles.” This was better than I could have ever imagined. I replied to his message immediately.
