He pulled his eyes away from the window and looked back at me. Shrugging his shoulders, he immediately went to the hallway closet and pulled out a small moving box that Ididn’t recall being there before. We didn’t live together, but since he was gone so much on his mountain adventures, it had been my idea to bring a few of his things over so that I could keep him at the top of my mind. And at first, when everything was new and exciting, it was just what he wanted to hear. He must have brought the box with him last week when he came over with takeout; I recalled all the Chinese food being in a large box, just like that. It pained me to think he’d been planning that at all.
“Did you plan this?” I was so blindsided, my words changed to accusatory.
“Look, I feel sad too. But I have made up my mind. We just aren’t clicking, Claire. I wanted this to work with every fiber of my being. To be a part of your family for the last year was a dream come true. Your father is my hero, after all. Believe me, I loved you, but—.”
A phrase followed by “but” is void in my book. I also felt the past tense oflovebreak my chest in two. He stopped arguing and mechanically removed the few items from the shelf and placed them in the box: pictures of his childhood pets, trinkets from his travels, and his childhood skiing trophies.
“Is there someone else?” My mind couldn’t fathom that someone I loved would leave me.
He sighed, not answering immediately, which furthered the stress of that scenario. “Yes.”
My heart sank. Suddenly, his face twisted in anguish, like he, too, was on the verge of tears.
“By that I mean my love for my sport.”
His words came out softer, kinder than I’d ever heard from him, but I didn’t know if I believed him. That whole thing felt like a setup, as if one of those hidden camera television shows could burst in from the hallway any minute and inform me that I’d just been pranked—except for one thing: the man who stood before me wouldn’t do that to me. He might have wanted to end things, break my heart and leave the shattered pieces for the birds to peck at, but he wasn’t a mean person.
I opened my mouth for a rebuttal but went weak. There was nowhere I could grasp from there to hold on to, and we both knew it. “I thought this was it—that we would get married and have children. I thought you were coming to propose to me.”
Theo shrugged, and I knew at one time—no matter how short that time had been—he thought so, too. But afterfourteen months of dating, he learned who I was and who I wasn’t.
“Claire, come on.” He set the box down. “Have children? And what, stay at home when I want to take them up in the mountains? To wait at the base lodge while they take their first runs? I want to instill a love for the outdoors in my children and this—you and me? Our relationship isn’t one of partnership. We don’t share our life’s passion. We just aren’t right. And we both deserve someone who’s right for us, Claire.” He picked the box back up and went to the door.
His words stung, and soon the waterworks flowed freely from my eyes. I felt like such a fool crying in front of that man who had chosen to leave me. I’d accepted all his faults—and there had been many—because our love was greater than that. And I thought it was mutual. Clearly, I thought wrong.
“Please, let’s talk about this. I mean, really? Tomorrow is my big thirty.” I couldn’t believe the words out of my mouth. Was I… begging him? Guilting him for dumping me the night before my thirtieth birthday, arguably the most important birthday I’ve had to date? One of the most important birthdays in a woman’s life? I put my head in my hands as he left without another word, shutting the door softly behind him as if closing the door normally might have awoken the fiery beast inside of me that just wanted to scream.
Chapter2
December 11th
I woke up with a pounding headache. My body felt drained of its tears and desperate for a tall glass of water. Grasping for my surroundings, I stood up from the couch that I had fallen asleep on, still fully dressed from the night before. My face felt disgusting from the makeup that I didn’t bother to wash off. What I needed was a long, hot bath, but first, I went to the fridge and poured some water out of my filtered pitcher.
Pushing all the thoughts from my mind of Theo and his greater love for the mountains than for me, I listened to the world around me. My microwave clock read 5:59 a.m.; the silence was deafening at that hour. My condo, one of only four in the entire building, felt empty and lifeless. Void of joy. AfterI drank the water, I went and poured myself a hot bath and rummaged through my drawers for the fancy bath salts that someone gave me for Christmas last year, the kind that would take the stress right out of my body. In doing so, I unintentionally caught my reflection. I reached for a makeup wipe and started scrubbing while I looked at the label for the “Relaxation Remedy” bath salts. It advised to use two scoops with the metal scoop provided.
As I dumped the entire contents of the container in the tub, I flipped off the bathroom light and opened the blind to my bathroom window. No one could see me in there since the bathroom window faced an open field that would one day be another luxury hotel. But at that time, it was still a slice of what the Sage Mountain of my childhood used to be: vast and wild.
Watching the sunrise come up over the hill was therapeutic. I thought about God and His promises to me, to everyone.He only gives a person what they can handle, and I know I can move on from this… Eventually, I closed my eyes as a few more tears escaped, saying a prayer for healing, happiness, and His supernatural peace to wash over me.
Lord, I only want what is in your divine plan for my life. While I would love for that to include Theo, You know all the days of my life, and Your plan is far greater than anything I could ever imagine. Lord, please comfort me during this horrendous time. Thank You for the many blessings in my life. And I know You are here with me in my heartache. Lord, please help me. Give me Your hand and guide me. I feel hopeless and lost.
I awoke to the sound of my phone ringing. Sitting up, I concluded the bath salts worked, as I’d fallen back asleep in the tub during my prayer. Because of that, hypothermia was about to set in. Oh, dear. What time was it? The sun was up, as a shimmering light came washing in through the window, touching everything inside of my bathroom. Stepping out of the tub, I went for my towel and plush robe while heading to see who was trying to call me.
Crushingly, it wasn’t Theo calling to tell me he’d made a terrible mistake. I knew it had only been hours since he ended it, but I yearned for a time when it wouldn’t hurt like that anymore. The caller was my mother.
“Hey, mom.” My voice was raspy and weak. She hesitated, knowing something was off, but asked if she could swing by to drop off a little something special from her and Dad. “Sure, I’m home. I’d love to see you guys.” They would be there in twenty minutes, and I had a miracle to perform on my eyes and desperately needed to tidy up before then.
I went into my room and threw on a pair of warm socks, stretch jeans, and a baggy t-shirt, something I wore pre-Theo all the time. I also dabbed on a quick swipe of concealer under my eyes and a brushing of waterproof mascara on my eyelashes. That enhanced my face quickly, and I looked almost normal. Thankfully, my hair was still neat from the day before, just a little flat from sleeping on it.
Taking stock of the living area, it felt like sadness and smelled like stale air. I picked up the wad of tissues from the coffee table and wiped down all the flat surfaces with a gently fragranced multi-purpose cleaner. Last, I cracked open the kitchen window ever so slightly for some fresh air. It felt much better, then.
Still having a handful of minutes, I put on an old record that I used to play on repeat until I met Theo and found out it was his least favorite type of music. I was thinking thatI had made a lot of sacrifices which he didn’t ask me to make. He never told me once that I couldn’t dress like this or couldn’t listen to that. But I did them—cut things I loved out of my life because I wanted Theo to fit so perfectly into the void, to slide into the role of my future husband. My thoughts consumed me when another knock came at the door, causing shivers to run down my spine.
“Happy birthday, dear!” Both of my parents stood at the entryway to my condo holding balloons, a card, and a cake with the candles already in it. “We hope this is a good time. You haven’t been answering your phone all morning, so we didn’t get to give you much notice…”
My mother looked me up and down. “Of course, come in! It’s kind of a funny story… I wasn’t feeling that great, so… I took a bath, and I guess I fell asleep in it. I didn’t realize how tired I was.”
Playfully smacking my forehead with the palm of my hand, I chose to purposely omit the part where Theo, the guy they loved to the moon and back, had just hours before dumped me. My parents looked at me and at each other, while I eagerly motioned them inside.
