He lifts his head,finally.“And what?” he asks, his breathing heavy.
I swallow, watching the emotions flicker over his face.
“I thought you wanted this, wanted us?” he asks.
My heart pounds as I try and think of a way to explain how I’m feeling. But it’s impossible when I don’t even understand the trepidation creeping through my veins.
“I do want us. It’s just—”
“I get it.” He shifts his body off mine until he’skneeling beside me.
“You . . . you do?”
“It’s him, right?” He grabs the back of his neck. “I mean, it has to be.”
“What? No.” I shake my head as the memory of Brandon in his boxer briefs flashes through my head, and my cheeks flush.Not now, Tate.
“Brandon has nothing to do with this,” I say, wholly believing it.
Ethan snorts. “I wish I could believe you, but we’ve been on this trajectory for months, and now, all of sudden, you’re putting on the brakes. Shit, Tatum, what am I supposed to think?”
Have we been on this trajectory?Maybe he’s right. It’s not like I have much experience with dating, and we’ve been together for three months. He just said he loves me, and only a week ago, I would’ve said I’m falling. What more do I want? What more do I need from him before we . . .
Grow up, Tatum.You’re twenty-one years old, not twelve. This is what women your age in committed relationships do.
But I can’t fully erase the part of me that still has reservations. The one that reminds myself I’ve waited this long, and maybe it’s childish, but I thought it would be different. I thought my first would be special.
I blink and Ethan stares down at me, waiting for an answer.
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” The hot press of tears stings the back of my eyes as I repeat myself. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“Maybe I should just leave,” he says, starting to get up.
“No.” My hand darts out, grabbing his arm and bringing him back to me, afraid that if he walks out, he won’t come back. “I just . . . I care about you so much. It’s just that I’ve had a lot to drink, so my head’s a little fuzzy, and . . . and I want it to be good between us.”
He nods, shifting over me as he brushes a lock of hair from my face. “Then show me.”
His words hit me like ice water, and I shudder.
“If you care about me like you say, this is your chance to prove it,” he adds, his tone tender as he searches my eyes for signs I don’t want him.
It feels like an eternity passes between us in the silence.
Until finally, I meet his eyes, and I surrender. “Okay,” I whisper.
I stir in bed, instantly regretting the moment I blink my eyes open.
With a groan, I roll away from the sun filtering through my dorm window and smack into a hard wall.
Wait. Not a wall.Ethan.
His arm tightens around my waist in response to my proximity, and I realize with a jolt that last night wasn’t just a dream. I hadn’t just imagined it.
I had sex.
For the first time.
With Ethan.
