“You did?” I raise my eyebrows at him, surprised. His doctor told him months ago that he needed to try and be more open and honest with his close friends, but every time I asked him about it, he would only say that he wasworking up to it.
“Yeah. It was easier than I thought it would be, and Vas didn’t make me feel like it was my fault or anything. I actually felt better right afterward, like a weight had been lifted or something. But then I stayed over at Luke’s that night, and had a nightmare. I scared the shit out of him. He had a hard time waking me up, I guess, and then when I did wake up, I just started sobbing.” He makes a flippant hand gesture. “Because I’m essentially a fucking water fixture at this point.”
“Max.” He looks over at me.
“One of these days I’ll have full control over my emotions,” he jokes. “But, seriously, other than that it was fine. Poor Vas. He looked devastated.”
I nod, because even though I’ve never formally met Max’s friend, I’ve heard a lot about him. From what Max has said, the big German hockey player is sweet, and doesn’t have a single mean bone in his body. I doubt it was an easy conversation to have for either of them.
“That’s a big step. I’m proud of you.” And then, because Max looks like he needs it, I throw in a joke. “My therapistgives me easier homework. All I have to do is imagine myself naked and touching someone else who’s naked.”
A startled laugh bubbles up Max’s throat and I smile. Bingo.
“If only imagining Luke naked would cure me.” He sighs, and then laughs again when I make a disgruntled noise. The tilt of his mouth turns sly as he regards me. “Speaking of Nate.”
“Were we?”
“Did you tell him you were going to school to be an accountant? Because he keeps making offhand comments in the locker room about his accountant. ‘Oh my accountant messaged me,’ and ‘my accountant and I are grabbing dinner tonight.’ Everyone thinks he’s making investments or something.”
“Oh my god.” I snort, shaking my head and smiling at the visual.
“He’s so goofy,” Max says fondly. “I like him.”
“So you’ve said.”
“You like him, too. Even though you’re being weird about it,” he tells me. I sigh and fiddle with my phone. Nate had texted me while I was on the call with my parents, and I’ve yet to text him back.
I’m not sure I can do a good job of explaining how I feel about Nate to Max. I can’t even explain it to myself. Do I like him? Obviously. That’s not the problem. It wasn’t the problem the first night we met, and it will never be a problem as long as he’s around. There’s nothing to dislike about Nate.
No, the problem is me. The touch aversion is a big hurdle, sure, but that doesn’t feel like the half of it. I’m in my last year of school—same as Max and Luke—while Nate has another year to complete. The clock is ticking down, and isnowreallythe best time to start a relationship? Not just a relationship, but one with someone who is very firmly tied to a specific place. When Nate graduates, he’ll be going back to his family’s property to work. That’s his plan, and that has always been his plan. It’s not as though he could pick up the damn ranch and move it to Detroit.
And is Detroit even where I want to be any longer? Max has always been the sun my planet orbits around, and I like it that way. He’s my person—the one thing I can count on to remain steady in a world that constantly tries to throw me off-balance. We’ve spent our entire lives together, from grade school all the way up until this year when we graduate. I hadn’t planned on ever putting state lines between us.
Without even meaning to, Nate has knocked the plan off course. I look at him and I want. I want a future that I’m too scared to form into more than vague dreams, because the moment I voice it out loud, I can’t take it back.
“Yeah, I do like him,” I answer Max eventually. Words are so inadequate sometime.Like. The truth, yet so, so far away from it at the same time.
“You can tell me,” Max says softly.
“I know. I guess I’m just worried about the future. Luke got me thinking about Detroit, and then Nate wants to be my fucking boyfriend for whatever reason. My parents, everything with Theo and Cruz. It’s just a lot, and no matter what choice is made, I’m going to be letting someone down.”
“Wait, did Nate ask you to?—”
“No.” I wave a hand. “Nothing like that. But we’re starting a relationship months before the end of the year, so… It’s just something I’ve been thinking about as a possibility. Another thing to worry about, I guess, because apparently that’s my forte.”
“We still have the rest of the year, and most of the summer to decide. I’ll be back and forth to Detroit a little bit, sure, but I’ll still be here. We don’t have to make any decisions right now.” Max chuckles softly, but it’s a despondent sort of noise. I look over at him. “I have to admit, the thought of you not being next door to me freaks me out.”
“Me too.”
“I guess my mom was right, and we’re too codependent on each other.” Max sighs gustily, clicking his tongue and shaking his head. I grin at him.
“Oh well, there’s no hope for us now.”
Max reaches a hand out to cup the back of my head. Pulling me down, he leans over and kisses my temple so quickly I barely feel the contact.
“Te amo, Marcos,” he says, as he rises to standing.
“Yo también te amo,” I murmur, watching as he pads softly down the hall to his room. I sit quietly for a few more minutes before slipping into my own bedroom. Sitting down at my desk, I click on the lamp and try to distract myself with homework. There’s no use worrying. Not yet. Like Max said, we’ve still got plenty of time to decide.
