“Have I told you today how thankful I am for you? I appreciate you keeping me so level-headed, T.”
“You’re my girl, Han. I just want you to be happy.”
Justine welcomes me into her office, and I perch in one of the uncomfortable chairs across from her desk. We exchange pleasantries and a few minutes of conversation before she stops me with a heavy look.
“Hannah,” she says. “Are you going to tell me why you’re really here? I’m sure it’s not to let me know Lauren’s flip jump has improved.”
“You know I made the decision to step away from competing, but I performed a couple weeks ago at a small event and placed second. The break in the rigorous activity and schedule has been beneficial to my mental health and how I’m approaching the sport as a whole.” I stop to cross my ankles and smile. “I wanted to propose the idea of a hybrid training program to you.”
“I don’t understand what that means,” Justine says.
“There are less than two years until the Winter Olympics, and while I know I’m not ready to dive headfirst into ten-hour days, I thought easing into a part-time schedule would be a good balance. I’d train for three days a week with you, and the other four days I’ll do my own training.”
“Hannah.” She sighs and clasps her hands together. “Do you know I have a waitlist of skaters who want to join our program that’s four years long?”
“No.” I swallow. “That’s very impressive.”
“All of them are willing to put in the full effort it takes to perform at the level we pride ourselves on. How fair would it be if I bypassed them for someone who only wants to be here a few hours a week when they’re willing to give it their all?”
“I’m not asking for special treatment. I just?—”
“You’ve been doing this sport a long time, and you know it’s like a relationship. No relationship is great every second of every day, but you have to push through the rough patches, and not run when it gets tough. You ran,” Justine says, and my blood turns to ice. “How can I be sure you can handle the caliberof training the Olympics are going to take? How do I know you aren’t going to quit on me halfway through the year and make me scramble to find an alternate to compete at another Grand Prix event? You disappointed me, and you disappointed this club. Going forward, we’re prioritizing skaters who are all in on their development. We can’t have people representing us who want to skate on their terms, even if they have World Championship medals. It’s not fair.” There’s a long stretch of silence. “Your performance at that competition was not the results this club boasts. Your 3A was abysmal, Hannah, and a complete disappointment.”
Fair.
Abysmal.
As if I willingly decided to fall out of love with the most important thing in my life. As if I haven’t gone through hell trying to find who the fuck I am when I’m not skating at the World Championships. As if I haven’t been agonizing over whether people think I’m not credible anymore because I walked away from opportunities that were handed to me on a silver platter.
“Thank you for your honesty,” I say, but every word tastes like lead. “I appreciate the feedback.”
“You either want to be out there, or you don’t, and I think it’s best if we end our partnership so we can both move on,” Justine says, landing the final blow.
“Of course. I’ll just—” I gesture vaguely to the door and stand. I have to get out of here before I break down. I have to get out of here before she can see me cry. “Have a nice day, Coach.”
I manage to hold it together until I’m back out at the rink and staring at the ice I’ve spent so many hours of my life on. I left my home, my friends to move here and try to create magic, but that’s the part no one tells you about when you’re wishing on adream: it’s all fleeting. Something that could be yanked away at any moment, and you’re left with your greatest heartache.
“How did it go?” Tierney asks, and I plaster on a smile. I’m too embarrassed to tell her the truth.
“Great. We’ll see what she says. Hey, I totally forgot I have a lesson with Liv this afternoon. Can we raincheck on that wine date?”
“You know I’ll always make time for you.” She searches my face with a frown. “Are you sure you’re okay, Han?”
A complete disappointment.
“I’m fine. I’ll text you later tonight.” I wrap her in a quick hug, letting go far too soon when I can feel myself starting to break. “Have a good practice, T.”
I make it to my car before the tears start to fall, but then they don’t stop. The anger comes in waves, and I’m mad at Justine. I’m mad at myself and I’m mad at this sport too, for making me love it so fucking much.
I grab my phone, fingers shaking as I type out a blurry message to Brody.
Me
I know you’re in Dallas getting ready for your game, but I just wanted to say hi. I’m not having a good day. I’m feeling very lonely, which is not a problem you can solve, but speaking it into existence helps, I guess.
Sorry for bothering you. You’re busy, so you don’t need to respond. I just… I miss you. That’s all.
I toss my phone in my bag, watching it land next to the skates I optimistically brought with me today.
