I sigh, relaxing my shoulders, my rigid spine, letting the world fall away, leaving nothing but the two of us in each other’s arms. Max’s tongue strokes mine, his hands trailing down my neck, my shoulders, my arms. His hands find mine, and he laces our fingers together, urging me slowly, so slowly, back toward the bed. The mattress touches the backs of my thighs, and I sit, reluctant to pull my lips from his.
I look up at him, at his eyes in the darkness, and the love I’ve been pulling away from fills me head to toe. Utterly inescapable.I love him.But to say so now—wouldn’t it crumble the world around us as we know it?
I swallow the words, instead letting silence cloak us as I raise my arms slowly above my head. His hands fall to my thighs, to the hem of the nightgown. Gently, he pulls it over my head. I don’t cover myself, though for some reason, I want to. We’ve had sex multiple times now, but I feel like it’s the first time. Max’s eyes trail over my naked body, taking in every inch of me. Even though he’s not touching me, it’s like I can feel him, like his gaze is his hands.
He kneels in front of me, and I reach for him, sliding the jacket from his shoulders. He lets me, holding my eyes all the while. Then he takes my hands, pressing them to his chest, over his ribs, his abs, to the stiff cock straining against his pants. My breath hitches, desire so heady and thick it nearly chokes me. I want him.Like this. I want him one last, real time.
My hands find the hem of his shirt, and I slide it over his head. His body is stark white in the dark, every ridge and edge of him chiseled, every lick of ink standing out. I touch him again, savor the silk-covered steel feel of his body, his strong shoulders and arms, his hands.
His eyes find me, pinning me where I am, then he bows his head and presses a kiss to the inside of my knee. Slowly he moves higher, lips giving way to tongue, a hot stroke all the way up the inside of my thigh.
My eyes flutter shut, heart pounding hard against my ribs. I sink my fists into his thick curls as his tongue finds its way between my legs. A soft moan falls from my lips, and I let his rough palms spread my thighs, let his tongue slide expertly inside me. I bite back a moan, lying back with a soft sigh. He laves me with the flat of his tongue, fingers tracing circles on the inside of my leg. As he finds my clit, one finger slides inside me.
This time I can’t swallow the moan. Maxim pulls my legs over his shoulders, fingers beginning a steady, deliberate rhythm, one that already has me quickly building toward climax. I roll my hips against his hand and tongue, dragging a pillow over my mouth to muffle my cries. His hot breath only amplifies my pleasure, and before I mean to, I lose control.
My back arches, a hot flood of ecstasy pouring through me. My veins are burning, every muscle in my body pulled taut. The orgasm is still ebbing when Maxim kisses his way up my stomach, tongue sliding over my breast, my nipple, halting beneath my ear. He bites me softly, stiff cock grazing my thigh.
He slides in slowly, leaning his elbows on either side of my head. I’m soaking wet, still tingling, but so desperate for him inside me I could beg. Instead I wrap my arms around his strong shoulders, lock my legs around his hips. Deliberately, he eases inside of me, his breath in my ear ragged with pleasure.
I sink my fingers into his back, lifting my hips to meet his steady thrusts. Everything in me screams for him to go harder, faster, to clutch me to him and fuck me until I break. But I know why, now—why every time we’re together I want it fast and illicit and wrong. It’s because just beneath that shallow veneer of danger, there is something far, far scarier. Something far more real.
Love.
I swallow both his name and the word every time they rise to my tongue. I can’t afford to make this harder than it is. All I can do, right now, is surrender.
So I do.
I hold his powerful body in my arms, relishing every inch of his skin on mine, delighting in the friction we make together. Every movement, every thrust and graze of his lips and fingers, is purposeful, slow. When his mouth finds mine, I kiss him without any regret or fear or falseness. I kiss him like we’re meant to be doing it.
His breathing is growing ragged, and the warm haze of pleasure that has been throbbing through my veins suddenly becomes a blaze. I arch my back and thrust my hips toward him, taking his cock deep and slow. His fist is in my hair, his face buried in my neck as we both ride deliciously toward climax.
I love you.The words are on my lips as I moan softly into Maxim’s shoulder.I love you, I love you, I love you.Impossible words—but not lies.
He gasps, clutching my body to his, pounding into me hard and deep. He eyes meet mine in the dark, and his pleasure is enough to send me over, the orgasm flooding me sudden and full. I grasp him to me, feel his raging heartbeat against mine, fill him spill himself inside of me like he did three years ago when everything in my life changed.
“I love you,” I whisper, the words threadbare and ragged with pleasure. “God, Maxim, I love you.”
A shudder goes through him as his climax slowly fades. Mine is still flowing, the dregs of it making my limbs light, my fingers and toes still curled, my breath held. I realize I’m clinging to him, that I don’t want to let go, that I don’t want him to leave me, and, come sunrise, I don’t want to leave him.
But loving him won’t save my children. And it won’t save me.
He slowly straightens and lies down beside me, his chest rising and falling rapidly. “We shouldn’t have done that,” he says softly.
The words are a gut punch. I look at him in shock. I just told him I love him—and this is his reaction? Dread spills frigid and horrible down my spine. I pull the blankets over myself, ashamed.
“I’m sorry,” he says simply. “I’m sorry.”
And with that, he stands, gathers his things, and leaves me.
Chapter Seventeen
Maxim
What the fuck was I thinking?
I pace in the snow on the drive. The men are posted closer to the black highway that connects this house to the city, and the city to the frozen world beyond. My heart rages, regret and shame coiled tight in my belly.
I love you.
