“No. It’s OK, Liam. I think we both sort of knew what we were getting into with this.” She takes off her glasses and flings them down onto the table. “I think we both knew this was over before it started. Didn’t we?”
Fuck. That hits me like a gut punch. It shouldn’t be this way, me and her or me and Milo’s ghost. But deep down, beneath the stunning pain of losing her again, like this, right now, I know she’s right. Her kids have to come first, like me and Margot always did for Dad.
“That’s not what I meant,” I say, clenching my hands into fists on my knees. “Last night—”
“Meantnothing, apparently!” Her eyes widen, cheeks struck with pink, and I realize how close she is to tears, how deeply my words have wounded her.
“It didn’t mean nothing—”
“Then how do you havenothing to lose?”
I freeze, stunned by the ferocity in her voice, by the heartbreak, by how much it seems to cost her to say it.Fuck. The wind goes out of me, and I search for something to say, the right thing to say, but all that comes to my tongue is the truth: that I still love her, and my being here puts her in danger.
Let it go. Her voice, Margot’s, Marnie’s, Dad’s.Let it go.Milo’s. My heart is slamming, my gut twisted up tight as fist. The years come reeling toward me, a thousand monotonous days, a thousand nights without anchor or ballast or aim, nothing but revenge a through-line, a thread pulled tight, guiding me back home. Because Lexie wasn’t there, and Milo was dead, and I was alone, paying for it all.
She shouldn’t have to pay for it, too.
“Nothing to say?” Her eyes are huge and luminous with tears that don’t fall. “Liam.”
“I…” The words are a knife in my heart, twisted. “I can’t let it go.”
Lexie stares at me, the fervor and despair suddenly sloughing off of her like rain off glass. She straightens slowly, her expression careful. Then she runs a hand over her hair, then begins clearing her food away, untouched.
“I’ve built a life,” she says quietly. “I have people to protect, to think of and look out for. I’m sorry about Milo. I’ve been sorry for years. But that’s no excuse for me to throw my fucking life away.”
She shoves past me, dumping her dishes in the sink.
“Yeah,” I say, heart lurching, calcifying, turning to stone.That’s it.I don’t face her, just close my eyes, just for a minute, and try not to show how much those words have broken me. “OK.”
“OK?”
I take a minute, catch my breath, steel myself. Then I stand up and face her, find her with her palms planted on the counter and her cheeks pink with anger. I know the look in her eye—she’s a breath from tears again, but way too stoic to shed them. I got vulnerable Lexie last night. Now we both have to wake up, face the music. Now we have to be strong. Both of us. At least I can take the brunt of this one, make it easier on her this time.
“OK,” I repeat, leaning against the counter. “I’ll go. I’ll back off.”
She glares at me, misty-eyed, her jaw set. It strikes me that this is as hard for her as it is for me, that somewhere, deep down, both of us wanted this to work, even though we knew it couldn’t.
“Just like that,” Lexie says. She blinks and a tear darts down her cheek. She looks startled, wiping it away quickly, the heat in her eyes intensifying, like she’s trying to ignite me.
“Notjust likeanything,” I say truthfully. “I’m not going to let this town fall to shit when I can save it.”
She stares up at me. “OK.”
“Lexie—”
“OK, Liam. You’ve left me before. It’s nothing I can’t handle.” She faces the sink and flicks on the faucet. “I knew this wasn’t going to be different. I just…I guess I wanted it to be.” Another tear escapes her eye.
I take her arm and pull her toward me. She doesn’t resist, but doesn’t look at me, either. “I can’t turn my back on this.”
“I know.”
“Lexie.” I make my voice steel. “Look at me.”
She does, and her eyes are filled with anger, and resentment, and desperation, and surrender.
I love you.
But the words don’t make it to my lips.Zzt zzt zzt—
