His chest panged to look at her.
She washis.
It was as simple as that.
And when he had thought her gone, and yet, not . . .
“What happened?” she asked, her voice quiet.
He looked away. He hadn’t lied when he said it was his deepest shame. The depths to which he had sunk—
“Ye have tae understand. I had grieved ye. I had accepted for three long years that ye were gone, that there had been no survivors. I had grieved and mourned and thought I had begun to heal from your loss. But then . . . Cuthie surfaced. And it was as if . . .” Kieran took in a deep breath, allowing the memory of the anguish to wash through him.
That was the only way through such pain, he had realized. To allow it to come and then help it flow out again.
“. . . it was as if I had not healed at all. The wound of your loss was slashed open, and I couldnae stitch it back together again.”
“But why would finding out that I might havesurvivedbeen so painful?”
He swallowed past the ache in his throat. “Because . . . because I figured ye would have found a way back tae me. Ye were resourceful and spunky and so very clever. But ye hadnae returned. Which meant that either ye were dead in truth, or something potentially even worse had befallen ye.”
She stood in silence for a moment, allowing the implications of his words to sink in.
“Like . . . captivity? Slavery?” She voiced his deepest fear for her. “There are caliphates in the Indian Archipelago who traffic in such things. Reverend Gillespie heard tales of European women being sold into harems.”
“Aye. A woman like yourself would fetch a hefty price. Just the thought that ye might have survived and been forced into such a life. I couldnae sleep. I couldnae eat . . .” He dragged a palm over his face. “It nearly drove me mad.”
She lifted her hand, as if to touch him, to offer reassurance. But then dropped it just as readily. As if unable to bring herself to touch him.
“Why are such emotions your deepest shame?” she asked instead.
“Because in my despair, instead of channeling my terror into action to find ye, I turned more and more to whisky tae ease my pain.”
Her eyes widened into two Os of understanding.
“I became the worst of drunkards,” he continued. “Angry. Bellicose. It became so bad that I was let go of my position aboard ship. If it hadn’t been for Alex forcibly dragging me back to his house in Edinburgh . . . I dinnae know if I would have survived. I think part of me was determined tae kill myself.”
“Oh, Kieran.” She did touch him at that.
The warm weight of her gloved hand on his arm burned.
He managed a wan smile. “So there ye have it. My deepest shame. That instead of setting sail immediately for Sydney to assist ye, I wallowed in self-pity and recriminations. Hardly stellar husband material, now, am I?”
He tried to keep his words light and humorous, but they came out razor-edged and ringing of truth.
“Will ye return to the bottle if things do not go well with the Judge Admiral?” she asked.
The question gave him pause.
“Things will go well for ye, lass. I am sure of it.”
“Kieran, please stop saying that—”
“But it’s true. Ye havenae suffered and conquered so much tae end up swinging for a crime that either ye were justified in or didnae do. I willnae countenance it.”
“Indulge me. Will you return to the bottle?”
Kieran closed his eyes and looked back over the ocean.
