The loss of Alex’s friendship, yes.
But it was more than just the immediate departure of his person, she realized.
It was a thousand future memories. Of sunrises unshared. Of words unwhispered. Of children unmade and a life unlived.
It was the death ofwhat if.
But . . . what other decision could Lottie make?
She had committed—and recommitted—to her family again and again.
They—Margaret, Freddie, and Grandmère—were her constant.
She could not—shewouldnot—betray them.
She had thrown off Theo for much less than this. And he had been herbetrothed.
She was the collie with the loyal heart that beat for her own family.
Alex was simply an ethereal possibility. One, she now accepted could never be.
Lottie slipped into the nursery.
Freddie was asleep in his bed, his blond curls rumpled on the pillow. Her heart panged.
He seemed older somehow. How had it only been two months since last she saw him? It felt an age.
Even though Lottie was so silent she scarcely breathed, he still stirred, opening his bleary eyes.
“Tottie!” A smile spread across his face, and he reached for her.
“Freddie,” she whispered, emotion ballooning in her chest.
She slipped into the small bed with him, wrapping his warm body in her arms, tears pricking at the scent of him—dirt and saliva and stinky little boy. She had never smelled anything more comforting.
“I miss you. London is no nice.” He snuggled into her and pressed a palm to her cheek.
Of course, Freddie’s hand was sticky. She bit her lip, her nose stinging. How could she have so thoroughly forgotten how vitally important his future was to her own happiness? Margaret had been so very right—she loved Freddie as if he were her own son.
How could she ever claim her own happiness on the back of his misery and penury?
“I missed you too, Freddie dearest.” Lottie pressed a kiss to his curls.
She held him close, reveling in the rightness of having him in her arms once more.
She would fix her mistake, Lottie vowed. She would never again forget her duty to family.
This was where she belonged.
A few minutes later, Lottie felt the mattress dip opposite.
Margaret joined them, wrapping her arms around Freddie and Lottie, not uttering a sound.
Lottie allowed her tears to flow then, silently weeping her grief for a future that would never be, encircled in the arms of those she loved best.
21
Alex was awake and dressed by first light.
