“I want things to be all right between us,” Marcus says.
“How can they be, when you were lying to me for so long, and when you were running deathmatches beneath the city streets?”
Marcus looks briefly ashamed, but only briefly. “Someone had to. Do you think, after Domitian fell, that those fights were just going to go away? At least if I was the one running them, I had some control.”
“Meaning you got to choose which people lived or died,” I say. “That doesn't make things better, Marcus.”
“It meant I was able to limit the number of people dying,” Marcus says. “But it also means I've been able to build up contacts and connections that I would never have been able to if I were just a senator.”
“You're justifying it on the basis that it gives you additional power?” I say, barely able to believe it.
Marcus shakes his head. “Although I've been able to use that power for the good of the people. I've made sure the gangs don't get in the way of Rowan's rebuilding projects in the slums. I've been able to persuade senators to vote for projects that will help the poorest people in Aetheria.”
“Through corruption,” I say. “You’re a part of the most corrupt aspects of the city, Marcus.”
“But don't you see, Lyra? That's the whole point.”
He walks with me into a space surrounded by rose bushes, their tangled briars reminding me of the deadly networks of favors and threats within the city.
“The whole point is for you to get as immersed in corruption as possible?” I ask. I don't understand where he's going with this, or how Marcus thinks it will improve my opinion of him.
Marcus sighs, looking down for a moment. “I know as well as you do that corruption is a problem in the city. The Republic is young, but it's already mired in layers of favors and grift and bribes. It's tempting to ignore all that and do things the right way, but that just means it builds up in the background, until it's ready to burst and drown us all in the filth it has produced.”
“I'd think more about your stand against corruption if you weren't the one running fights to the death,” I say.
Marcus spreads his hands. “We can't root out the corruption in the city if we don't know the details of who’s involved with what. We can't bring the corrupt elements back onto the right path if we don't have any influence over them. And where there must be corrupt elements, at least we can use them for good ends, ensuring innocents don’t get hurt. I gain that influence through running the fights, and because I'm the one running them, people trust me. I've learned more about the things going on in this city since I stepped into Domitian’s place than I ever learned before.”
I stand there staring at him, wondering if he truly believes it. “You told me all this before, with Domitian,” I point out. “You told me that you were only involved in the games to bring them down from the inside. You played your part in taking down Domitian. So now you're going to try to tell me you're doing it all again? How many times do you get to tell me that you're only up to your neck in filth to root out that filth before I stop believing you, Marcus?”
He looks hurt. “You can't really believe I want to be corrupt?”
“I think you want power,” I say. I raise a hand to forestall his objection. “I know you want it for what you believe are the right reasons. I know you think that if you have power within the city, you'll do all the right things for the people, but does that make any of this right, Marcus? How many people get hurt so you can connect a little deeper with the people who give you what you want? How many people have died in your matches?”
“I'm doing what I can for the people,” Marcus says. “When the time is right, I'll expose the most corrupt of those involved, and force the rest to work the right way. By doing this, we're gaining control of a whole layer of power and money beneath the surface.”
“We?” I say, surprised that he still thinks in those terms even now.
Marcus puts his hands on my arms. “I've never stopped caring about you, Lyra. I hope you can see I'm doing this for the best.”
“I know you think you are,” I say. “Or at least, that you want me to believe you are.”
“I'm not lying to you, Lyra,” he says.
“How can I tell?” I counter. “Give me something real, Marcus. Give me proof of what's going on. Show me that you're not just in this for yourself.”
Marcus pulls back from me. “I hoped you would trust me more than this.”
“After last time?” I say.
Marcus looks hurt. “I know I have a long way to go to regain your trust. But I'll do it, Lyra. I want things to be better between us. I want to prove to you that I’m the man you used to care about, and that I love you.”
I don't know if those words make me feel better or worse. They start a dull ache within me. My feelings for Marcus haven't gone away, but things aren't so simple. I don't know if we can ever get back to where we were.
“It's time for me to head back,” I say.
“Please just think about the things I've said,” Marcus says.
I suspect I'll do little else. I’ll lie awake thinking about Marcus and everything he means to me. About where we might be headed. I need to work out what I want from him, and if there can ever be anything between us again.
