“Do you understand it?”I ask him.“Do you understand what it was like to step out onto those sands again and again, fighting people I often knew, in some cases being forced to kill people I knew?”
Marcus hesitates.“I’ll admit, it's not an experience I've had, but you know I've been through some difficult times of my own.”
“When your family lost everything,” I say, with a sympathetic nod.I know what he's been through, and the thought of it is enough to bring pain to my heart.I wish I could wipe away the hurt Marcus feels.I'm just not sure that it's enough of a reason for his hatred.“I understand what you said before about Selene being involved as the arch magistrate in all the legal decisions that went against your family.But there must be others who are more deserving of your hatred.”
“You already killed the most important one,” Marcus says.He means Tiberius, the former emperor.He sounds grateful I did it.
“I regret everyone I've ever killed,” I say.“Trust me, you don't want deaths on your conscience.”
Marcus laughs bitterly.“I fought with the others in the uprising.Do you think I don't have deaths on my conscience?But I can live with them because I know the people I killed deserved it.”
He makes it sound so simple, when I know it's anything but.I have killed people who did horrible things to the world and to me.I sent rats to devour a noble woman who threatened my family and systematically beat me to within an inch of my life in revenge for her daughter's death in the arena.I killed the emperor, who never seemed to tire of reminding me how easily he could have me killed or worse.I killed Lady Elara, who was about to unleash a swarm of beasts upon the city, not caring how many of the people she killed, as long as it tore down the old system.
In each case, I had good reasons to end their lives, but that doesn't stop me from having regrets.
“You know that, at some point, Selene willhaveto be dealt with?”Marcus says.“I know everyone wants to do things the right way, but if she keeps winning in the arena, if she wins her freedom and gains public support, do you think she'll just step back and live a normal life in Aetheria?Do you think she'll be content with living as a wealthy citizen or even trying to take a place on the senate?”
“No,” I say.“I imagine she'll try to seize whatever power she can.I know she came back for a reason.But that doesn't explain why you're the only one pushing for her death.Why you all pushing so much harder than the rest of us, Marcus.Is it just your personal history with her, or is it more than that?”
Marcus is silent for a while, I don't know if he's trying to decide the best way to say what he feels or just what I will believe.What does it mean for us that I'm never quite sure anymore if he's telling me the whole truth when we speak?
“I have a vision for the city,” Marcus says.“It's part of why I pushed for the restoration of the games.It's part of why I try to do so much for the rebuilding and to establish trade connections.I can see what Aetheria could be.Selene Ravenscroft isn't just a barrier to that vision coming about; she's someone who could actively tear it all down and try to return us to the past.And along the way, she's going to hurt a lot of people.That'swhy she needs to die.”
I sit up.“Just promise me that you've given up on the idea of assassinating her.”
“I promise,” Marcus says, but does he say it just a little too quickly and easily?Maybe it's so smooth from him because it's the truth, or maybe he's just used to telling people what they want to hear.
“I'm serious, Marcus,” I say.“I think Rowan really would bring charges against you if you were involved in anything like that, and I wouldn't want to see you in a cell.”
“I'm not sure Rowan would have the votes to imprison me,” Marcus says with a smile.“I hope I could count on your vote to keep me free, at least, even if you won't support me in other things.”
I sigh.“I'm not your rival or your enemy, Marcus.”
It seems strange, having to remind him of that when we are so much more to each other, and when we've only just come from sharing a bed.
“I know that,” Marcus says.“But I also know that you’re pulled in all kinds of directions.I hope I can show you that my vision for the city is going to be good for everyone.”
I stand.It would be so easy to simply agree with Marcus.In some ways, I understand that Selene is too dangerous to ignore.I'm not about to forgive her for what she did to Sorrel.A part of me hopes that she will die out there in the Colosseum, even as I fear for the people who will take her on.I just can't quite bring myself to condone her execution or her murder, despite the times when I have done things that amounted to both.Maybe because of those times.I don't want to be the bestial beast whisperer, slaughtering her enemies.I want to be more than that, and killing Selene doesn't feel like the route to it.
“Maybe you'll be able to show me, but for now I should be getting back,” I say.
“You could stay here,” Marcus points out.
I shake my head.“Not tonight.There will be a lot for us both to do in the morning with the senate and the city.”
It's an excuse.The truth is I'm not sure that Marcus is telling me everything, and I can't stay here with the nagging doubt that he's hiding something from me.He looks disappointed, but he sees me to the door, and I head back through the city in the direction of the palace.There are still plenty of people out on the street, the excitement of the games earlier spilling over into drinking and dancing, raucous celebrations of all kinds.
I pick my way through them, being careful to avoid any trouble as I make my way back to my own quarters.As much as I care about Marcus and enjoy being with him, I still breathe a sigh of relief to be back in my own rooms rather than his villa.
There are messages waiting for me because there are always messages from citizens who need my help, wealthy figures who want to influence me, and more.One of those messages catches my attention, though, because I recognize the spiky handwriting on it.It’s a message from Thalia.
I've managed to secure an invitation to one of the fights.Meet me after moonrise in the same inn we met at before to discuss plans.Don't be too obvious.T.
I stare at the message, then look out of the window to see the moon slowly rising in the night sky.If I'm going to meet her, then I'm going to need to hurry.
CHAPTER TWENTY
I hurry through the dark to the inn, determined both to make it there in time and to avoid the attentions of anyone watching.Thankfully, at this time of night, there are plenty of people out on the streets who are wrapped in their cloaks, hurrying to assignations or shady dealings.I keep a careful watch for any guards, not wanting to explain where I'm going this time.Given that I'm going to try to sneak into an illegal fight, I don't want anyone to remember that I was out of the palace.
