“You told me you saw him that way when you met him.”
Well, that was a little dose of shame that he totally deserved.Ian shoved a hand in his pocket and paced across the room and back.“That was like someone else.Not the guy I met—me, I was like a different person then.”
“That was barely a month ago.”
He turned to face Janet.“I changed a lot.He changed me.”
“Or did you let yourself change?”
“What’s the difference?”Ian flopped on the couch, arms crossed over his chest, and stared at the ceiling.After a few seconds of silence, he checked, and yes, Janet was watching him.“Fine,” he muttered.“I let myself.”He hated it when she was right.
She returned to her original point, whatever the hell that was.“So you see Sam differently now.What makes him not weak?”
Ian sighed, his head falling back on the couch.It must be his fifteen minutes of shame.“I was a bastard to him in the beginning, but he still took a chance on me.It was like ...I don’t know what I thought.It looks weak that he saw me after that, but it’s not.It’s strength.He could protect himself enough to open up to me.”He jerked his head up and looked at her in horror, sharp pains knifing his chest.“What if he hadn’t done that?”
Janet shrugged as if it wasn’t important.“Then he wouldn’t be the guy for you.”
How could she take this so calmly?“Heisthe guy for me.But I could have lost him by being a bastard.”
“You didn’t, Ian, you did what you needed to do.Sam made himself vulnerable to you, and you honored that.You made yourself vulnerable in turn, didn’t you?”
“Yes,” he whispered.
“And was it worth it?”
“Yes,” he answered louder.
“Do you feel weak for doing it?”
“No.”
“Then why is it different when it’s your father whom you made yourself vulnerable to, and he fucks it up?”
“Because I didn’t want to make myself vulnerable to him!I didn’t have control.”
She shook her head, smiling.“So you’ll learn control, and you’ll figure out how to protect yourself.You’re like a snake.”
“What?Can’t I be a bear?”
She waved a hand.“No, it doesn’t work with my analogy.You’re like a snake.You’ve just shed your skin for a brand new one, so for a few days this new hide will be tender and fragile, and you have to protect it from sharp objects.Your father would be a sharp object here.You’ll toughen up your hide and ignore him.”
“What if I just don’twantto deal with him?”
She nodded.“You can make that decision.You can do whatever you need to protect yourself.Sam could have decided not to see you again if he felt he needed to, to protect himself.”
Ian had liked where this was going, but now he scowled.“So if I want to be as strong as Sam, I have to talk to the chief?”
“No.It all depends on the threat level.Your father is a much bigger threat to you than you were to Sam at the time.”
Ian thought about it awhile, staring up at Janet’s ceiling.He thought he got it.“How come everything seems so clear when I’m in here, but when I leave I lose that insight and everything gets confused?”
Janet sighed in resignation.“It happens to everyone.You get clarity or enlightenment or whatever, then you lose track of it for a while and you’re wading knee-deep through crap hoping for the truth to reveal itself.Just do the best you can, and try to stick with what you know until you get that clarity back for a while.”
“I know I love Sam,” Ian said immediately.
“There you go.Have you told him?”
He looked toward the window, remembering.“I did.The other morning when we were, um, in bed.”
