“My safeword is grapefruit,” Sam responded.If this was just aboutthatkind of trust, then he could—
“Not like that.I mean, that’s good, but I want you to believe me when I show you how I see you.I’m not going to hurt you.I’m not blowing smoke up your ass.”
Maybe that was supposed to be a joke, but Sam didn’t feel like smiling yet.When Ian promised not to hurt him, they weren’t talking about physical pain; they were talking about Sam’s biggest weakness.“I don’t know,” he whispered.
Ian stroked hair off Sam’s forehead.“Are you scared?”
“Yeah.”And close to puking.
Ian breathed out slowly, a controlled sigh.“But you’ll think about it?”
Sam swallowed with difficulty.“Okay.”
The ride to Sam’s apartment was silent again, but in a different way.The air was still tense, but not angrily so.More like expectantly.As if Ian was waiting for him to say something.Sam couldn’t think of anything, not until they parked in a visitor spot at his complex and Ian reached across the console, taking Sam’s hand in his and stroking it with his thumb.
“Sam ...”
“Why were you so mad?”
He felt Ian staring at the side of his face, but kept watching Ian’s thumb caressing his skin.Ian shifted in his seat.“You mean so mad about Marley?”
“Yeah.”
“Because ...you think you aren’t worth more than him.That prick wanted you to think that, and he used your self-image against you.And you let him.”
“Oh.”After another minute of staring at Ian’s thumb on the back of his hand, Sam pulled away to get out of the pickup.
“Call me,” Ian said.
Sam looked at him, then shut the door.
Sam walked in his door, dropped his pack on the floor, flopped on his unmade bed, and hit speed dial on his cell.Nik answered on the second ring.“Ian’s attracted to me,” Sam blurted as soon as he heard Nik’s breath.
Nik didn’t miss a beat.“Well, I would hope so, considering the time he’s devoted to getting into your pants.”
“That’s what he says, I mean, that he’s attracted to me.But ...”Sam paused, wishing for the bad old days when he had a curly phone cord to twist around one finger.He twisted his hair instead, but it wasn’t the same.“Do you think he’s lying?”Sam whispered.
“He’s not lying.Why would he lie about that?”
“I don’t know,” Sam nearly wailed.He shot up from the bed and started pacing, kitchen counter to empty laundry basket (ringed by dirty clothes on the floor) and back.
“Why is this so hard to get through your head, Sam?Guys will and do find you attractive.Deal with it.”
Nik’s exasperation was a little bit comforting, just not quite enough.“But he didn’t find me attractive at first,” Sam pointed out.
Nik sighed loudly.“When I met Jurgen, I thought he was an asshole, and now he’smybig, dumb asshole.It’s a complete one-eighty.But I suppose you’re feeling emotionally needy, and I should be drawing from my carefully guarded sympathy reserves?”
Sam nodded vigorously, hoping it would translate over the phone line.“Yes, that.Pretend you’re being graded on it and give me your best caring friend impersonation.”
“Okay, give me a minute,” Nik grumbled.Sam heard him set down the phone.
It took several minutes, actually, during which Sam chewed his lip and paced some more.Occasionally, he yanked on his hair for variety.Then Nik came back on the line, sounding downright excited.“I’ve got something, I think.Do you remember when Jurgen came up from Whitetail Rock after I returned to school in the fall and fucked me on my desk while I was wearing his handcuffs?”
Wait a second.“I knew about the handcuffs, but on your desk?In your office?At school?Omigod, Nik, you never told me that!That’s kinda hot, isn’t it?Although I’m glad I didn’t inherit that desk because it doesn’t have a lot of clearance in the leg hole, and I wouldn’t want to hit my—”
“Sam!Don’t get distracted.”
“I can’t help it, you never told me about the desk part before.”
