“But maybe if you?—”
“I have no interest in dredging it up. Your idea of making new memories to replace the old ones is a better way to go. I was hoping I could do that with buying the gifts this morning.”
“You almost did.”
“Almost. Next December I’ll browse in the General Store several times until I’ve desensitized myself like I have with the market.”
“That doesn’t sound like fun.”
“But it works. You saw I was totally fine while we bought groceries.”
“You blocked out the music and the decorations at the market?”
“I always do. You made it even easier. Watching you get orgasmic over the red beets with the greens still attached was the best grocery shopping experience of my life.”
“That’s not quite what I meant by replacing bad memories with good ones. If I’m hearing you right, your method is to focus on only part of the experience and shut out anything that reminds you of Christmas.”
“That’s the gist of it. Obviously I can’t always do it. I was fine until that music blasted. Pretty hard to ignore that many decibels, especially when I’m in a store that reminds me of—” Whoa, he’d almost gone there.
“Reminds you of what? I wish you’d?—”
“It’s better for me if I don’t. It’s no good dwelling on those things.” He used to worry that Jordie remembered the scene in the Helena department store, but she’d only been fifteen months old. She’d never mentioned it, so obviously she’d been too young for it to make an impression.
“I can understand why you’d say that, but to me there’s a problem with that strategy.”
“Like what?”
“If you desensitize yourself to everything that represents Christmas, how will you ever learn to enjoy it?”
“I probably won’t, but at least I can function.”
“That makes me so sad.”
Great. Now she felt sorry for him. “Think of me as someone from a different culture that doesn’t celebrate this holiday. You grew up with Christmas as a positive so you can’t imagine not having that joy. I didn’t experience it the way you did, so I won’t miss what I never had.”
“I’m trying to understand, but….”
“Mila, you make me so happy that I don’t need to feel Christmas joy. Honestly, I don’t.”
She let out a breath. “Do you think that’s what Jordan’s doing? Desensitizing herself so she can make Luis happy?”
“I doubt that’s the case. I’m guessing she’ll be able to gradually discover what the rest of you appreciate about this season.”
“Then why isn’t that possible for you?”
“Jordie’s and my situations were different.”
“Sounds like whatever went on, you took the brunt of it.”
He didn’t answer. They were getting into the weeds, and there were things he never wanted her to know, never wanted anyone to know.
“Your silence tells me that’s true.”
This would be a good time to lie to her, which had been his response to every woman he’d allowed himself to get close to. For whatever reason, he couldn’t lie to Mila.
But he wouldn’t spill his guts, either. Refusing to do that likely meant their relationship had an expiration date, just as he’d feared last night when they’d bumped up against the baby issue.
They weren’t far from the ranch. Soon they’d be back in his loft with groceries that would take them through the next couple of days. And nights. His body warmed and his jeans grew tight.
