“I wish I could do it all over again,” she said. “Since Bridget told me how… obviously… hurt you are, I haven’t been able to stop seeing it.”
“Mom, you don’t need to worry about…”
“I just want to do well. So I’ll try to be better about Sam. And I’ll try to be… easier for you to talk to.”
“Mom.” I was definitely crying now. I thought I was better than this. I wanted to curl up into myself, slump onto the floor, and cry and cry and cry until there weren’t any tears left to cry out, but I wasn’t going to do that. God willing, at least. “I don’t… know what to say. I’m sorry I’ve been… in a bad state.”
“What are you apologizing for?”
“I don’tknow.I feel like I have to.”
“Oh, listen to yourself. Do you need therapy?”
“I don’t know. Maybe,” I laughed thickly through tears. “Actually, let’s adjust that to probably.”
“Well, it doesn’t sound like the Seattle office gives you enough free time to attend therapy sessions, so you might as well stay here and find a good therapist in the area. And if you’re staying around and seeing a therapist too, then there’s no reason not to start seeing Bridget again.”
“Mom—” I shook my head. “Are you… telling me I should be dating Bridget?”
She sat up taller. “I don’t believe I’ve made it a secret that I think she’s right for you.”
“You… I mean, it’s not like I’m upset to be wrong, but I sort of… expected… you to change your opinion once you learned what she did for a living.”
“Ido not think I would want to date somebody whoseentirebody is on the internet for strangers to see. But I also do not want to date a woman. We clearly have different feelings on what works and what doesn’t. The important thing is that she’s intelligent, respectful, hardworking, diligent… and I suppose she must be very.” She gestured vaguely. “Creative. Entrepreneurial, as Grandma put it.”
“Oh, god. She told Nan too? What did she say?”
“I think I will not be repeating it. How about we eat our cinnamon rolls before I lose my appetite?”
That sounded really lovely. I took a bite of mine—soft and buttery with a rich spiced character. Tasted like Christmas. Even eating them not on Christmas. “I do… really… care for her,” I said, voice wavering. “She’s so good. I just don’t see why she would… possibly… give me another chance after everything that happened. After everything I did.”
She sighed. “Victoria, I think you’d be surprised how many people out there are waiting to love you. They just need you to accept it. And to show them how.”
Chapter 20
Bridget
I had just gotten the silicone dicking down of a lifetime, and I still felt nothing. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so turned off during a live show, and I’d ended up faking an orgasm, which felt gross—I’d always taken pride in the fact that I wasn’t faking anything for the viewers, but I wasn’t getting anywhere, and I definitely wasn’t explaining to a horny audience who was here to rub one out real quickI’m just devastated by not having been enough to keep around the person I care for the mostand turn it into a therapy session to the tune of a fucking machine dolefully pounding my pussy.
But I did my part to look sweaty and tired and spent even though mostly I just felt a little sore down there, and I gave the audience my best attempt at blissed-out satisfaction saying bye and thanks for being a part, and I ended the live show, pulling my panties back on and slumping back in the chair. I’d been on that live for a while… trying to get to a real orgasmbefore I finally gave up. My computer said almost two in the morning. A whole lot of interest in late-night lives from disaster sapphics with fucked-up sleep schedules, some west-coasters, and a smattering of Euro girls who, I guess, wanted to start the day off right. Always a lucrative time to run a show. I hadn’t been doing them as much lately… preferred to be in bed earlier, adapting more to Victoria’s sleep schedule. But my inspiration had quickly run dry, and I wasn’t able to knock out other content like I had been while Victoria and I were…
Just a couple days now until she left. I’d already been talking with a landlord for a smaller place that was, as I’d planned a whole lifetime ago, out in the middle of nowheresville. I didn’t want to move there, but I knew my income was about to flatline while I got over Victoria, so I had to play it safe and smart this time. Get steady, get solvent, and then worry about getting somewhere I liked better. So I kept telling myself, anyway, but… I still hadn’t signed the contract, and I only had two and a half weeks left until my lease was up here.
My phone lit up with a text from Gina.omgggg you were so sexyyyalong with a row of hot-face emojis. I opened the message.
had fun?
yesss evie watched it with me and it ended with her fucking me face-first into the mattress so thank you!!
I nodded. At least somebody had a good time.I am so happy to have helped
She called me. I made a face, but I answered the call. “Hi, Gina, hi, Evie.”
“Oh, Evie’s getting snacks right now. You know, plowing a girl from behind takes some energy. Are you okay? You’re texting like you’re not okay!”
“Yeah… just did that live show because I thought maybe it would help distract me, but now I’m just sitting here tired andsticky and soreandsad about Victoria. I just hate that she’s so hurt and so afraid to have anything good and how not only does this hurtme,but I knowshe’sgoing to go and experience this same thing over and over again unless somebody can find the magic words to convince her she doesn’t deserve to suffer, but even then I wish it could have been me to find those words, so I’m just going to sit here and mope and cry until I wither away into a little husk and die.”
“Oh, no, don’t die,” she said, her voice all too genuine. I needed to stop saying things like that in front of Gina. “Do you want me to come over there and give you a hug? I can put some clothes on and book a flight real quick. Evie can come and she can bring those snacks!”
