This isn’t that big a deal, alright?
God, I was such a piece of shit.
I spend the last flight going over every shitty thing I ever did to him, and arrive in Albuquerque in a bleak mood. Paul and his fiancée, Candace, pick me up at the airport, and for once I’m glad for Paul’s complete self-absorption. It’s sort of distracting, listening to him ramble on about his business and his new car and how well everything’s going for him. He tells all the same stories at dinner, which is also helpful, since it leaves no time for my parents to fuss at me about moving to London.
Paul and Candace decide to stay over, after they both polish off their fourth glass of wine, which is also surprisingly helpful. Candace doesn’t really have a personality, which means my mother adores her, and the two of them are still chatting happily when I escape to my room. I’m exhausted, but I stay up till three a.m. watching races. Even though I know Travis ends up winning the championship, I still curse at the ceiling when that dumbass Cole Milton turns in on him and ruins his race in Hungary, and I freak out when Travis passes Clayton on the second to last lap at Monza.
God, I’m so fucking proud of him.
He really earned this championship. He had way worse luck than Mahoney and Clayton, and an objectively slower car, and he still ended up winning.
I’m too tired to make it past Monza, but over the next three days, sneaking hours here and there between awkward family dinners and obligations, I finish the season. I don’t know if it’s because it’s five a.m. when I watch it, but I actually cry when Travis wins. I’m so proud of him, and happy for him. And I’m so, so sorry I wasn’t there.
On impulse—and because I realize it’s an amazing excuse to get out of the house for a few hours—I call Amanda and book an appointment. My mother tells me to make sure I get Amanda’s professional opinion on my London move and the idea of going back to racing. I wait till she looks away to roll my eyes, imagining Kelsie’s “Reasonable” Post-it note in my mind.
It’s strange, coming back to Amanda’s office. I know it’s only been a couple of weeks, but it looks different, somehow. It sort of feels like walking through an old school building. It’s nostalgic, and I’m not unhappy to be here, but it’s not like I actually want to go back to high school. I think I’m ready to move on.
“I think you are, too,” Amanda says, smiling at me. “I’m so happy for you.”
I can tell she really means it. Her eyes lit up when I told her about the meeting with Crosswire. I think she’s gotten her hopes up just as much as I have.
“It’s going to be weird, not talking to you about things.”
Her eyes crinkle. “That’s what your friends are for. And you can always find a therapist in London, if you feel you’re starting to struggle again.”
“If the Crosswire meeting goes badly, I probably will,” I joke.
Really, though, I don’t think I’ll need to. I want to race again so badly, but I also know I’ll survive if I can’t. Like Kelsie says, I’ll just find another job that I can love. It’s weird, how she can say the same things my parents do, but I don’t hate her for it. Maybe it’s because I know she wants what’s best for me, whereas my parents... I’m no longer sure.
Amanda is quiet for a moment when I tell her this. I can tell she’s weighing her words carefully. “Relationships between parents and adult children can be incredibly complex. And I do believe that we have to acknowledge all the hard work our parentsdid in raising us, and be grateful for it. But as an adult, you have to make your own decisions, and live the life you want to lead. All you can do is try to be as kind and understanding as you can, without giving up too much of yourself.”
“My friend Kelsie says it isn’t our job to make them happy, but it is our job to ‘acknowledge and respect their reasonable concerns.’?”
“Ooh, I love that.” Amanda’s pen dances across her notebook. “I’m definitely going to steal it.”
I laugh. “Go ahead.”
“She sounds like a good friend, this Kelsie.”
“Yeah, she’s the best. And I told her... you know.” I lick my lips. “That I’m bi.”
The corners of her mouth turn up. “That’s good.”
“Yeah.” A beat of silence falls. I clear my throat. “It’s weird how easy it is to be around her. Like, we hadn’t seen each other in ages, but we just fell right back into step.”
“Just as friends, you think? Or something more?”
“Just friends. I’m still... not over Travis.”
“Have you tried to see him again, since the parking garage?”
I shake my head. “No. I mean, it wouldn’t be fair, right? If I show up it’d just mess with his head. He’s moved on.”
Amanda makes a little “hm” noise that I know means I’ve said something wrong.
“What?” I ask.
“Well, are you really thinking about what’s fair?”
