My heart was beating quickly as I stepped in after him.
“Wow.” He turned his bright smile on me. “This is awesome.”
“You like it?”
“Of course.” He nudged my ribs. “I’m definitely going to steal some time on it.”
I blinked. “It’s yours. I got it for you.”
His smile flagged a little, then he hitched it back up again and gave a little laugh. “This won’t fit in my apartment. And anyway, you need it more than I do.”
I shrugged. My stomach had sunk a little. “I usually use the one at Harper, so they can track data or whatever.”
Jacob nodded absently. “Right.” He turned his smile on me again. It was sort of plasticky, I noticed. “Well, it’s really cool. I’ll definitely use it sometime.”
He nudged my hip again, and then he walked out without really looking at it more. I swallowed down my disappointment. It was my own fault. I should’ve made it clearer it was for him. Or maybe I should’ve sent it to his apartment instead.
We ate lunch and messed around for a while on the couch before he went to meet some of his friends who were in London for the holidays. I ate dinner alone, like always, but it felt more hollow than it ever had before. I missed Jacob. And I couldn’t help feeling he was slipping through my fingers. Like I was pushing too hard, like I might push him away.
I vowed to back off, to give him more space, but when he came back later that night, slightly tipsy from drinks with his friends, he crawled into my lap and tucked his head into my neck.
“Did you have a good Christmas?” he asked.
I threaded my fingers in his hair. “Of course.”
He was silent for a moment, then he exhaled heavily and sat back on his heels. “I didn’t get you a present,” he said in a rush. “I wanted to, I swear, I just—I couldn’t think of anything good enough.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “I don’t care.”
His expression was guilty, and I felt a swoop of relief. Maybe I hadn’t fucked up with the simulator. Maybe he just felt bad he hadn’t gotten me anything. “I wanted to get you something good,” he said.
“It’s okay. Really.”
“I’ll make it up to you,” he said. He flattened his palms on my chest. “Right now, if you want.”
My hands were already sliding down his back, pulling him closer to me. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah,” he murmured.
Later—much later—he lay next to me and slid his fingertips over my stomach. I was half asleep already, my muscles warm and heavy. Just before I drifted off, he kissed my neck and murmured in my ear, “Merry Christmas, Keeping.”
18
Balance
Looking back on it now, it’s so obvious. I was so much more invested than he was. I was so in love with him, I ignored every single sign, even the glaringly obvious ones. He couldn’t have been clearer. He was pushing me away every time I tried to pull him closer. He never used that racing sim, not once. And when Christmas was over, his suitcase and all his things went home with him.
What was it he said in the hospital?I know you think this is so fucking serious, but that’s just because you’ve never dated anyone before.
He’s right. I did think we were serious. I thought he would be a part of my life forever, and now that he’s not, I’m left with this awful, hollow void inside me, this empty space where he used to live.
It’s Heather’s boyfriend, Hunter, who gives me the best advice after the breakup.
“There’s nothing you can do to make things better,” he says. “Every week will just get a little less shit, until one day you wake up and you don’t remember quite what the pain felt like.”
The weeks pass by; race weekends come and go. And it doesn’t really get less painful—thinking of Jacob still makes my chest ache, and I still spend hours every night thinking about him, wondering if he’s okay, wondering if I could’ve done something differently—but every week it gets a little easier to pretend that I’m okay.
Racing is helpful. Stefan hasn’t said anything since I told him about Jacob, and I’m determined not to give him an excuse to fire me. I throw all my focus and energy into racing and land two second-place finishes in a row, edging out Clayton from Crosswire Racing in the championship. The next two races are wet races, and with a little luck—Mahoney crashes out once, and then he and Clayton both have engine failures—I get two wins in a row.
