“Not necessarily.”
“Yes, they will.” She smiled shakily. She loved that he wanted to keep postponing the inevitable, but she couldn’t. “Noweveryone knows, sooner rather than later. Leon can’t keep his mouth shut and Charkov understands the wordnoabout as well as the wordclitoris. It’s going to come out. Too many people know about it now.”
Lucas said nothing, just kept staring at her and wiping the tears from her cheeks before they could dry. But what could he say to the truth?
“And you know, I... I think it’s okay,” she whispered. “If it got out.” She took a shaky breath as Lucas’ hands clenched around her cheeks. “Lucas, I’m done with secrets. There have been too many in my life. I want us to...try this properly. Publicly.”
Without answering, he dropped his hands. Slowly. Carefully. As if he wasn’t certain he really wanted to let her go.
“Publicly,” he repeated.
She nodded.
“Anna,” he said harshly, “I can’t just think about myself. Laney wanted Melody to have a quiet...”
“I know,” she whispered, smiling. “I get it. You don’t want to disappoint her. You want the best for Melody, and having me as your official girlfriend will attract the media’s attention, and that’s not good.”
“Anna...”
“No, really. I get it. I’m not mad at you. I didn’t really expect you to say yes. But I wanted to at least ask. Give myself a chance at...long-term happiness. You know? Because...there’s no other way.” She smiled again, but her lips faltered.
Lucas’ gaze wandered to her mouth and then back to her eyes.
“Why does it have to be all or nothing?” he whispered. “Why can’t we just...continue a little longer?”
“Because it will break my heart,” she replied, her voice husky. “The more time we spend together, the worse it will be.”
“No.” He shook his head. “I... I’m not meant for you anyway. I’m not what you’re looking for. We can continue until we don’t want to anymore.”
“I don’t think that moment will ever come,” she replied calmly. “Not for me. You were never what I was looking for. But you are what I want.”
He swallowed. She saw his Adam’s apple bob in his throat. “Anna, I don’t communicate well. I don’t talk enough. I’ll never be the life of the party or volunteer to go to brunch with all your friends. Never raise my hand when someone asks for comment. That’s not me. I’m not what you’re looking for.”
“I don’t care about any of that. I wantyou. The man I know. Not the guy other women wanted you to be,” she whispered, her heart heavy. “But you were right — we’re drama. And you can’t risk drama.”
“But I would risk it,” he said urgently. “Moving on...”
“But not being with me for real? In public? Not hiding anymore?”
He pressed his lips together and remained silent. As always, words were unnecessary from him.
“Lucas, listen to me.” She took a step back. She didn’t want to touch him, couldn’t be so close to him, and at the same time, prepare to leave. “I know you don’t like to talk, so let me speak:I love you, but I can’t go on this way.”
She saw him swallow. How his eyes scanned her face, searching for the lie in her words. But he wouldn’t find one.
“I love you,” she repeated in a thin voice. “You know that. I know that. And if it were up to me, the whole world could know. For your sake, Lucas, I want to believe in long-term happiness. But we’re two incredibly different people. It’s important to you that Melody remains a secret, that your life doesn’t become complicated. And I respect that. But, Lucas, I’m complicated.Love is complicated. And I’m so tired of secrets. So...we have to end it.”
A muscle in his jaw popped. “Don’t tell me you love me and then in the same breath say we have to end it.”
“But they’re both true,” she whispered, running a hand through her hair. “Lucas...I’ve held back my whole life, let others help me, let my brothers fight for me whenever something important was at stake. Because I simply couldn’t bear any more disappointment. Because my parents disappointed me, because Jack disappointed me, and it broke my heart every time. Until I learned that it’s easier to just keep a part of myself to myself and not get involved in anything serious. Because if you don’t have expectations, you can’t be disappointed. But I have expectations of you, Lucas. I always have. I told myself it wasn’t true, but I expected you to care about me when we were just having sex. I expected you to want to be friends with me. And for the past few weeks, I’ve expected you to love me. It wasn’t fair of me because you made it clear from the beginning what this is between us. But... I can’t give up without telling you how I feel or continue living my life half-assed at only fifty percent.”
Lucas was still looking at her. He rubbed his face, looking so incredibly pained. “I don’t want to disappoint you, Anna...”
“You won’t. It’s okay to say no to me and continue to protect Melody. I understand that you want to give her a quiet life. No press. No drama. No kids at school teasing her. But...that means it’s over.”
His expression hardened and he shook his head stiffly. “That sounds like an ultimatum, Anna, I...”
“It’s not.” She raised both hands. “I’m ending this, Lucas. You don’t have to do anything. I just don’t think we can be friends. You were right about that too. So don’t feel bad, okay? I’m an adult. I’ll...get over the fact that you don’t love me. That it’s not working.” She took a deep breath, but it was difficultto get enough oxygen into her lungs with the lump that was blocking her throat. “I’m not angry with you, and I’m not going to make a fuss. You don’t have to feel guilty.”
