He knew that, but had she ever told him? She didn’t remember. “Have you always broken rules so recklessly, Lucas?”
“Never. I hate breaking rules. It usually leads to drama.”
She should have expected that. And yet, here she was sitting on his bed.
“I never broke rules before either. I was too afraid that the school would call my parents and they’d have to go for a meeting.” She kicked off her shoes and slid higher up the mattress.
“Ah, so you slept with me to compensate for your innocent youth?”
“You know I could accuse you of the same thing,” she replied, laughing.
“No, I slept with you because I couldn’t resist you, not because you were forbidden,” he stated matter-of-factly. “And it’s still difficult for me. Which is why I didn’t want to be friends with you.”
As goosebumps crawled down Anna’s back, she pulled a pillow onto her lap and pressed it against her stomach, which had begun to feel queasy. “What changed?”
“Absolutely nothing.”
Anna bit her lip. He was right. She still found it difficult to resist him. Today even more so. What frightened her was that she wasn’t talking about sex at all.
They remained silent for a while. Anna pulled the covers over her knees and stared at Lucas’ back. She could have watched him hanging up his jacket and fiddling with the machine for hours. Man, Lucas was good at pressing buttons… God, she was ridiculous.
“Lucas, thank you.”
“You already said that.”
Yes, but she felt she couldn’t say it enough today. “Still, I…”
“You don’t have to thank me,” he interrupted sharply. “It makes things that should be taken for granted seem special.”
But it was special. He made her feel like everything was okay, even though a few hours ago she’d wanted to cry. Besides, he’d never invited her over before, not to his house or hotel room. Didn’t he realize that?
She didn’t say the words out loud, though. She sank back against the headboard and watched him place a cup under the coffee maker. The way his back tensed and relaxed, his body was speaking to her again.
“Why are you nervous?” she asked, surprised. They’d spent the last five hours together and he hadn’t been nervous for a minute of it. They’d made it clear they weren’t going to sleep together, and they’d just been silent together in relative comfort. There was nothing to worry him.
Anna expected him to contradict her, to claim she was wrong, but for the hundredth time that day, he surprised her.
“I don’t know if I’m doing it right,” he stated harshly.
“The hot chocolate? I’m pretty sure all you have to do is press a button.”
He shook his head. “Comforting you.”
Stunned, she opened her mouth. He was still standing with his back to her, so she could see him restlessly stroking the back of his neck.
“What do you mean?” she asked softly.
He turned, crossed his arms, and leaned against the counter, his gaze fixed on her face like she was a book that was difficult to understand.
“Anna, I’m not good at expressing what I mean clearly,” he murmured, rubbing his forehead. “What I think, what I…feel. And this shitty day — I can’t make it better with my words. I know that. Because words don’t do what I want them to. I can’t give you advice or create a blanket with words to wrap around your shoulders...or whatever other people do in these situations. I can only…be there. Do you understand?” He furrowed his eyebrows. “And I’m not sure if that’s what you want or need. If it’s…enough.”
Warmth wafted through her chest, seeping into every single bone. It made her eyes burn and her skin tingle. How could Lucas be so smart, understand so much without her saying a word, yet not realize that it wasn’t what he did that mattered but rather his desire to do something?
She didn’t need a pep talk. Someone who listened when she wanted to talk and broke rules for her so she wouldn’t have to be alone was a lot.
“It’s exactly what I want,” she whispered, smiling. “And more than enough. You’re good at comforting me.”
The tension in his shoulders eased slightly and he lowered his gaze. In the blink of an eye, Anna got the feeling that Lucas was…shy. That he might not have the self-assurance that every hockey player projected.
