“I do, Anna.” He turned his face to place a kiss on her palm. “I want you to know everything about me.” When she nodded, he carried on. “He wanted me to remember him and his achievements. His image and legacy were all he ever cared about.” His lip curled with disgust. “My father created a flawless image of himself before he married my mother, and she fell in love with his charms. She kept journals just like you.” His features softened at the mention of his mother, but they quickly hardened again. “I once read that the happiest day of her life was the day she married him, and that was the peak of that happiness, because it declined from then on, as slowly, he began to reveal himself. He struck her at every chance, and nothing she did ever satisfied him.” Colin ground his teeth. “Do you know something that confuses me to this day?”
Anna swallowed. “What?”
“She loved him. She looked the monster in the eye and still loved him. She bore his scars and still remained devoted to him.” He finished his wine. The food he wanted to distract him sat untouched, and his eyes were tortured when he raised them to hers. “Anna, I remember seeing her smile every time he walked into the room. I could not understand it.”
“Oh, Colin!” She wrapped her arms around him, kissing his face. She could understand his mother’s flawed love. Anna had been broken by her parents but she still thought of them as her parents. She still loved them.
“He was incapable of love. The only person he could admire was himself, and he had many portraits and miniatures of himself made. He hung them everywhere in Edinfield and Dawnton. I had all of them locked away after his death.”
“Is that why you hate portraits?”
He nodded. “I do not want to be like him. The watch is a reminder of the sort of man he was, so I can never tempt fate.”
“You can never be like him, Colin.”
“Look at what I am doing to you, Anna. You worry excessively because I told you I wanted a child.”
“You deserve a child.” Anna had to insist on that. Colin did not know happiness, and it was her duty now to bring it to him.
“What I deserve does not matter.” He kissed her hand again. “I do not want to make you miserable.”
Anna moved onto his lap. “I am not miserable.” She left out that he was not the cause of her misery but herself, her treacherous body that would not take his seed.
He rested his forehead against hers and sighed. “Promise me that you will tell me if I go too far in anything I do.”
“I promise, Colin.”
He held her tightly against him and buried his face in her shoulder, while she tenderly stroked his hair, comforting him as best she could.
My Anna,
I am traveling to Bath to join Catherine at Hunter’s estate. Your sister is fond of traveling, have you noticed that? Perhaps widowhood has her positively restless. I would love for you to join us in Bath if you ever find the opportunity. It might even give us a chance to find more solutions to your problem.
I must remind you, however, that if a solution cannot be found, you must do what is best for you and Colin. I think you know what I mean without me writing it. We love you, and I promise you that you will be happy again.
Your dear mother.
Anna folded the letter and decided that she would write a reply later. The message lay heavy in her heart. Her mother had offered her a choice she had never thought of, much less considered, but if she continued to be found wanting as a wife, then as difficult as the decision was, she would have to make it.
Rising, she walked to the window and saw Colin speaking with the groundskeeper. The garden was being prepared for spring, and she allowed a long, weary sigh to escape her. It felt like a long time ago when she walked to this manor amidst a storm to ask Colin to marry her.
He turned around and their eyes met. He smiled, and she returned it so he would not suspect anything.
I pray that I will not have to do what Mama suggests. I cannot bear to lose my husband.
Chapter 33
The sadness between us only grows. I have noticed that I am feeling tired again. I have not had the medicinal tea Clarissa brews for me in more than a month. Perhaps I should ask her to prepare some for me. It is a most invigorating brew.
Colin unlocked the door and walked into the room, the smell of dust pinching his nostrils. He could not recall the last time he was here, and as he regarded the portraits in their gilded frames, he did not feel the bile that always rose to his throat at the sight until the bitterness burned his tongue. He felt an unusual lightness. Maybe he was finally healing.
Colin had been feeling better since he told Anna about his father and the watch. He abstained from revealing his mother’s story because that tale was the darkest of all, and Anna was not ready. He wanted her to first accept that she was all he wanted and nothing more, but she would nod every time he told her yet disregard his words.
“Your Grace?” He turned to see Mrs. Willis in the doorway, staring at him with wide surprised eyes. “I was passing and saw the door open.”
“Yes, I opened it.”
She walked into the room. “Do you wish to have the room cleaned?”
