By choice, I made my shifts long. I work twenty-four hours over two days. It’s hard work and I miss my boy so much, but I know he will appreciate it one day and it gives me adult conversation. I need it for my sanity just as much as the money.
Elliot is fast asleep on my sofa when I push through my apartment door. Toys surround his feet andMr Tumbleis on the TV.
“El? El.” I place a hand on his shoulder, and he jolts awake, snorting.
“Huh.”
I smile down at him. “Sorry, you were asleep.”
He sits up, running his hand through his blond hair. “Shit, I was going to clean all this up. Sorry.”
He begins tidying up the toys, but I stop him with my hand on his arm. “It’s fine, I’ll do it. Did he go down okay?”
He considers lying to me. I can tell by the way he pauses. “He didn’t want to leave Mase. He cried until he had hisbottle and dropped off at about seven. I think he was just exhausted from all the crying.”
Shit.I drop my head.
“It’s not your fault, Nina, it’s just his age. He’s becoming more aware.”
“Yeah, I suppose. I feel like I’m keeping him from Mason. Maybe I need to let him put him to bed at home here when he isn’t keeping him overnight.”
Elliot stares at me wide eyed. “Yeah. Yeah, I actually think that would be amazing. For all of you,” he adds.
They must think I am a complete bitch. I know I’ve been reluctant to see Mason, but I would never put my child through unnecessary pain for the sake of myself. I hope they know that.
“I always knew there would come a time thatthiswouldn’t be enough.”
“You’re an incredible mother, Nina, don’t beat yourself up over it.” He leans in and kisses my head. “I’ll see you in the week, okay?”
“El.”
“Yup?” He spins on his heel to face me.
“Could you not mention this to Mason? Give me a couple days to get my head around it. See how I can make it work around our routine.”
His jaw flexes and I see his Adam’s apple bob in his throat. I shouldn’t ask him to keep things from his best friend. “Sure,” he says, before turning and leaving.
I clean the lounge and wash up the few dishes in the sink, then go to my bedroom where I drop into the rocking chair and watch my beautiful baby boy sleep, pushing all thoughtsof his father back into the tiny compartment that’s buried deep in the depths of my heart.
Mase
“All I’m saying is that maybe things could be different now. It’s been a year, Lowell.”
I shake my head as Elliot continues his pointless attempt to get me to reach out to Nina. It’s been seven months and apart from a handful of texts, there has been no communication.
I haven’t seen her in seven months.
The mother of my child.
Nina.
At first, I didn’t deal with her demands well. I’m not proud of the months that followed after she left me.
I became destructive and cold, sleeping with women like I did when I was in college—with no emotion or regard for them. Anything to fill the emptiness that came with being in the penthouse alone.
A hoard of voids that never got filled.
“Let it go already. It works for now,” I tell him, eyeing the sheet in my hand. We have a board meeting this afternoon which Elliot is presenting. It used to be my job, however, when I turned up to work half cut last Christmas calling out the people who ride our asses in the company, the decision was unanimous that Elliot take the reins.
