After breakfast and over an hour of being continuously shocked by my son’s impressive wardrobe, I put him in his pushchair and walk back to my apartment. By the time we get there, Ellis is flat out. I do a load of laundry and clean up the couple dishes that were left in the sink on Friday night before we headed to Lowerwick. Then I take my exhausted body and plant it on my sofa. I feel tired. It’s like Mason is on catch up for the last year that he hasn’t had me—not that I’m complaining.
Pulling out my phone, I scroll through my contacts. I want to try Mum again but I know she won’t answer. Shehasn’t in months. There was no way I could afford to keep helping her each month after I had Ellis, but if I knew cutting her off financially meant losing all contact, no matter how selfish she can be I still hate that I don’t get to hear her voice. She’s my mum and for the longest time, she was all I knew and loved.
It might be a stupid idea, and one that she probably won’t even appreciate, but I’ve seen pictures of me as a baby. My mum held me proudly once and I want her to feel that again—maybe it will work. I slip into my bedroom and slide out my box, then pick out a picture of Ellis and take it back to the living room.
I let the ink guide me without too much thought.
Hello, Nanny.
I presume Nanny is okay? I can’t imagine you’d like to be called a granny just yet.
My name is Ellis Anthony Lowell and I am 9 months old. Mummy has told me about you. She tells me you’re super good at cuddles, and that your cupcakes are some of the best in the world. I hope I can try one, one day. She also says I have your smile, but mostly I look like my daddy. He’s an amazing man and I think you’d like him too. Mummy and I would love to hear from you. Here’s our address in case you’d like to write back to me, or you can call any time. I hope I can meet you one day. I know it would mean the world to Mummy and I think with the way she smiles every day, that my cuddles could be just as good as yours.
Love Ellis xx
There’s nothing that can’t be fixed in life if you have love in your heart x
I find an envelope in the kitchen drawer and write out my childhood address on the front. I’m unsure if she even lives there anymore, but I want to try. I have so many unanswered questions yet what I want more than anything is solely for Ellis. I want him to have every bit of the love he deserves in life. I slip the photo into the envelope and add my address on a piece of paper. It’s in her hands now. She can make the choice.
The rain starts to pour around the same time that Ellis wakes up and I almost put off going out, but I want to post my letter and I want to go see Mason at the office. I call Vinny and have him come pick us up.
“Sorry for calling you out in this weather,” I tell him, smoothing out my hair that’s now rain soaked in the flip-down mirror. Vinny told me to get in the car when he arrived, but I didn’t listen and insisted I would get Ellis strapped in. Now I look like a drowned rat.
“Don’t be, it’s better than being stuck in the office.”
“Could we stop off at Starbucks?” I ask, already anticipating the frown he gives me.
“Of course. There’s a post box close to The Montwell, too. I can pull over for you?” He nods his head to the envelope I placed in the centre console when I got in.
“Thanks, Vin.”
We stop close to the office so I can post the photo and Vinny doesn’t ask questions. There’s a possibility he will tellMason I’m trying to contact my mum and that’s okay, I know he doesn’t understand, but I would tell him about it anyway. I wait for Vinny to get the umbrella then we rush towards the doors with Ellis held tight to my chest. Once inside The Montwell, Vinny hands me the coffee.
“Are you okay to go up from here? I need to run some things through security before I go back up.”
“Yeah, of course,” I tell him, waving him off as I walk to the elevators. The guard gives me a welcoming nod and gets the button for me. “Ellis and Frey?” he asks, seeing I have my hands full.
“Yes. Thank you.”
He dips his head in reply and presses the appropriate button. The doors slide closed and I take in a deep breath, absorbing the feeling of being carried closer to him as the smell of the coffee in my hand assaults me.
“Nina!” George sings as the doors open. He’s leant over the reception desk and stands to his full height when he spots me. “Oh, let me take this little guy off your hands.” He leans in and takes Ellis. “How are you?”
“Good!” I tell him, gripping the coffee with two hands when I spot Jasmine rising to her feet from behind the desk. A small ball of energy knots my stomach, but I knew she’d be here.
“You look it.” George agrees.
I nod, smiling awkwardly as I try to think of what to say next. Jasmine is standing just as unsure on the other side of the room. She doesn’t look anything like the girl who passed me in tears at the hotel all those weeks ago. Her black dress is simple butlooks thick and expensive, fitting her slim frame like a glove. I try to figure out if we share any resemblance. I don’t particularly see it from a first glance, but she does have a full face of makeup on. As if she doesn’t know what to do, she reaches up and fingers a wayward strand of blonde hair from her face.
I’m certain she feels just as uncomfortable as I do.
“Hello, Jasmine.” I nod, cursing myself internally when the words come out barely loud enough for my own ears.
“Hi,” she replies, quickly losing her frown and replacing it with a softer look.
“Ellis, should we go see if Daddy is finished in Uncle Elliot’s office?” Ellis watches George intently, slowly reaching up to stroke his navy and white bow tie. “Won’t be a minute.”
“He’s about as subtle as a brick through a window,” Jasmine mutters as they disappear, making me dip my head as my lip curls at her comment..
