“So what do you think? It could be anything you want. Program director? Chief operating officer? Global head of good deeds?”
I open my mouth to sayyes.To sayof course.
But nothing comes out.
Instead I just stare at him, though he doesn’t seem to notice. He waves his fork around as he chews. “It’s kind of perfect, you know? I’ll do all the big-picture stuff, and Leo will handle anything creative. And you’ll be in charge of outreach, since I can’t think of anyone better suited to figuring out how to give away a whole bunch of money.”
I take a bite of my pie, but it sticks in my throat. When I’ve finally managed to get it down, I drink half my glass of water, then lift my eyes to look at Teddy. “It sounds amazing.”
“Great,” he says, beaming at me.
“But I don’t think I can do it.”
He blinks a few times. “What?”
“I can’t do it,” I say, nearly as surprised as he is.
“Why not?”
As soon as it’s out there, the knot in my stomach unwinds. For some reason the image of the poster from the library flashes through my head, the one hanging in the children’s section:IT’S OKAY NOT TO KNOW. IT’S NOT OKAY NOT TO CARE.
Teddy is still staring at me, waiting for an explanation.
“I never learned to play the guitar,” I say, and the furrow in his brow deepens.
“What?”
“I always wanted to play. But I never had time to take lessons.”
He sets his fork down, his expression still stark.
“You know how I’ve been saying that college isn’t just about figuring out what you want to do—how it’s also about figuring out who you are?”
He blows out an exasperated breath. “Not this again.”
“I’m not talking aboutyou,” I say patiently. “I’m talking about me. Do you have any idea how much time I’ve spent volunteering over the years?”
He picks at his pie. “A lot.”
“A lot,” I agree. “And I’m not sorry about it, because I was able to make a difference to a lot of people, and I know I did a lot of good. And I loved it. I still do. But I’m not sure my reasons were always…my own.”
Teddy’s face softens. “I know.”
“Actually, you’re the one who sort of helped me realize that. And you were right. I’ve always put my parents on a pedestal, and I’ve worked really hard to make them proud. But they’re not here anymore.” My voice cracks on this, and I stare at the pie on my plate. “They haven’t been for a long time.”
He clears his throat but doesn’t say anything.
“I don’t want to let them down. But I also can’t spend my whole life chasing after them. And I think the main thing they’d want is just for me to be happy,” I say firmly, as much for myself as for Teddy. But I know it’s true. It’s all anyone wants for me, and I feel a surge of good fortuneat the thought, and even more than that, a sense of peace.
Because it’s what I want too.
I lift my eyes to meet Teddy’s. “I think your idea iswonderful,” I say, packing as much as I can into that last word. “And I’d love to help out with it here and there.”
“But you don’t want to run it with us.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I don’t think I do.”
Teddy sits back hard in his chair, as if absorbing a great impact. He looks more than just disappointed. He looks crushed, and a cold, heavy dread settles in my chest. All along I thought it was the money that would send us careening down different paths. But maybe it’s this.
