“Lyriana,” Auriel said.
“Don’t!” I yelled again.
He froze. “I-I won’t.” He held his hands up, revealing his palms were thick with scar tissue. Burns from the fire. Fromholding the Valalumir as he fell. There were patches of raised skin, some pink and leathery, the edges still red. Other parts of his hand looked like they’d been flattened—the skin taken out in these almost flame-like shaped indents. There, his skin was almost white. I could almost see exactly how the light would have moved as he fell, how the flames would have licked and seared him.
I can cool you with my waters. You don’t have to burn.
You’re the fire.
I clutched at my chest. Gods! GODS! I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t fucking breathe. My knees were buckling, my stomach burning.
“Hey!” he shouted. “Lyriana, I need you to take a deep breath. Come on. You need to breathe for me. Forhim. Lyriana, can you do that?” He started forward again.
I stepped back, my entire chest tightening further. It was almost exactly something Rhyan would say. Something Rhyan had said. But not quite. Everything about Auriel was like looking at a reflection of Rhyan through water. Him, but distorted. Him, but wrong.
“Please,” Auriel begged. “Let me—I’m here to help you.”
I shook my head. No, no, no. I couldn’t stand it—the thought of being touched by someone that wasn’t Rhyan. Even if I knew it was part of him, the old version of him, part of the same soul I loved, I didn’t care. It didn’t matter. I wanted Rhyan. I needed Rhyan.
Rhyan.
Rhyan.
Gods. Fuck! My chest hurt, growing painfully tight. I still couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t fucking breathe. Everything inside of me felt violent and empty. Like my heart had shattered, like it had turned to glass and every shard was trying to cut me from inside. Like I was going to die. I truly felt like I was going to die.The panic this time wouldn’t subside. Not without, not without Rhy?—
My knees shook, my hands trembled. This pain, this rage, this feeling of dying was going to burst inside of me. End me. It hurt so much, so badly. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t fucking take it.
I was only half aware of Auriel, of the way his eyes filled with concern. I blinked, my vision darkening. And when I focused on him again, his expression was murderous, like he was seconds from rushing to me. Like there was something to fight—some enemy to kill to make me breathe again. To make things better.
There wasn’t. Because I was my own enemy now. And yet, even I knew I wasn’t going to last like this. The pain intensified. And suddenly, it all came to a head. I gasped, taking in an explosive breath that bled into a scream.
My hand flew up, and I punched the wall again, smashing my already scratched-up knuckles, widening wounds that were already bleeding. Sharp pain rushed up my arm, and blood gushed onto the wall.
I drew back, ready to punch again. Ready to smash my fingers, break my arm …
“Stop!” Auriel yelled. “Stop!” His eyes widened. “You’re bleeding.” He stepped closer, reaching for me.
“No! No!”
“Lyriana, let me—” He frowned, biting his bottom lip. Then his nostrils flared, and there was a determined look in his eyes like some decision had been made. “Enough of this. Come to me. Now.” An order. Not a request. “Show me your hand.” He took another step.
“I said,” I seethed. “Don’t touch me.”
“You’re hurt. And you’re going to hurt yourself more if you don’t stop.”
“You think I care about that? That I care about any of this? That anything could matter to me after Rhyan—after I—” Another sob tore through me, and I couldn’t finish, couldn’t get the words out. I sank to my knees. Auriel dropped too, kneeling in front of me, his eyes searching mine.
“Tell me,” he said, his voice desperate. “Please. Tell me what I can do. Tell me how to help you.”
“Help me? HELP?” I screamed. “You can’t help, Auriel! No one can. Especially you! Because you … You!” I shook my head. “You’ve already ruined everything.” My tears fell harder.
“Ruined?”
“Yes! Ruined!” My entire body deflated, any semblance of energy I had, any force of will to survive was gone. “Why?” I sobbed. “Why did you stop me out there?” I thrust my arm out, pointing beyond the cave. To the ocean. To the place where I’d destroyed an ancient statue, where I’d summoned a tsunami in my rage, the power ofRakashonimburning inside of me. The power and strength of a Goddess, of the Valalumir itself. The waves were coming. World-ending waves. Continent sinking. “Why didn’t you let me do it? Why didn’t you let me end it?”
Because after all I’d seen, after all that had happened—I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to feel this. And I didn’t want to live in a world that was this cruel, this unfair. I didn’t want to live in a world that could enact such evil.
But above all else, I didn’t want to live in a world without Rhyan.
