Auriel shook his head. “No. And he hasn’t pressed the issue, but I get the impression that he knows exactly who I am. What I am. Even if he has no explanation for it. He’s a lot like Rhyan. Perceptive. Maybe too perceptive. But I think, at least, knowing that—it made him feel a little better.”
“That’s good then. He deserves that. He needs it.”
“Though apparently, it’s not helping you at all.” He made a noise low in his throat, and he looked down. “For you, my existence is having the opposite effect.”
“Auriel,” I said.
He shook his head. “It’s okay. I understand. I mean, I was never meant to replace him, or be some kind of compensation—especially not for you. I just want you to feel better. Because I care. Do you feel better?” Leaning closer to me, he asked, “Did going upstairs help? Getting air?”
Shrugging, I said, “Yes. And no.” I frowned. “Auriel, I’m sorry.”
He turned his head slowly, watching me with guarded eyes. It only made me soften more. Knowing the effect I had on him. On a God.
On the man I’d once loved when I was Asherah. The man I still loved to this day because my soul remembered his. And the man, or rather, the God, who was all that remained of Rhyan. Because he was him. He was. It became clearer with every moment.
I remembered how I felt after I’d found out the truth. That I was Asherah. Even before I knew Rhyan was Auriel, I’d felt differently towards the God. I’d felt more love for him. I’d felt a supreme sense of love even just from hearing his name. It had become precious to me. Sacred almost. And I’d done nothing to honor that since he’d arrived. Since he’d left Heaven to come here.
“Auriel, I’m sorry for what I said before. For how I treated you. You didn’t deserve any of that. Especially not from me.”
Tears filled Auriel’s eyes and he nodded. “Lyriana.” He practically whispered my name, his voice hushed.
“I don’t want to fight with you anymore.” I squeezed his hand. “You were right about what you said. You were right about everything. I was punishing you. And punishing myself. But mostly I …” I swallowed roughly. “I didn’t want to be the one to kill him. I couldn’t bear it. But I also couldn’t bear the thought of him going on like this. Of knowing he’s out there in the world, existing in this form. Knowing what I have to do—what has to happen to end this. That knowing is almost worse for me, more horrific than the moment when I realized—when I knew that—that he died.”
Auriel leaned in toward me, his arms pulling me in for a hug. “Oh,Meka.There’s nothing to forgive. You were right, too. I don’t know exactly what this is like. And I’m sorry. I was too harsh with you before. I’m mortal now—in body, and in mind. I can’t—” He shook his head. “I’ve been struggling to remember so much. To remember everything I knew. Every purpose I had. Since I’ve come down here again—everything is so harsh, and hard. I feel like I’m trying to run through water. I keep moving my feet, I keep running, and I keep getting nowhere. I think the journey … it took something from me.”
“Auriel,” I said, and buried my face in the crook of his neck, content to simply breathe, to just be held for a little. And to hold him, too. Even if he wasn’t who I wanted. Or who I needed. He was close enough. The sense of failure I had for Rhyan, the utter devastation that losing him had left me with, made me need to comfort Auriel. I needed it like air to breathe. I needed to do whatever I could for him. At least give to him what I’d failed to do for Rhyan. I held him tighter.
After a few moments passed, Auriel asked more about my talk with Sean.
“He said he would do it,” I said quietly, my voice small. “He said he’d hunt Rhyan down. It doesn’t have to be me.” But even saying the words, my stomach was in knots. There was a wrongness to it. To the idea of hurting Rhyan, or hunting him—even in his present form.
Auriel pulled back, his eyes searching mine. “How do you feel about that?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I’d already made up my mind to do it the other night. That it had to be done. That it had to be me,” I cried, then shook my head, blinking back fresh tears. “But hearing Sean say he’d do it?” I shrugged. “I thought that would fill me with relief. But it didn’t. It feels worse for some reason. And I think that means …” The tears started falling. “I think it means that I need to be the one. I just have this feeling, this sense that I have to find him. That I need to go to him.”
Auriel’s eyes seemed to darken. “But you don’t want to.”
I sniffled, biting my lip to get the words out. “No. Of course, not. Gods. It’s such a fucking nightmare.”
Auriel nodded and pulled me back into a hug, his hands moving up and down my spine with soothing strokes.
“Look, it’s late. There’s nothing to be done tonight. And nothing to be decided. You should get some rest. You need it. And so do I.”
I shook my head. “I’ve slept so much in the last forty-eight hours. I don’t think I can.”
“You’ve also been through so much in the last forty-eight hours that you must.” He pressed his lips together, watching me carefully. “Sleep, Lyriana. Real sleep. Being down here, I forgot how much a mortal body needs it—how much our magic needs it to replenish. It will help. Any lingering pain, or fever you have.Any weakness or clouding of your mind. In the morning, you’ll feel stronger, and you’ll be ready to make your next move.”
I sighed. “I know. I just don’t feel like I can.” “I’ll help,” he whispered. “Again.”
I stiffened.
“Not with magic. I swear. I’ll just sit beside you until you’re dreaming. Or I can sing to you, rub your back. Whatever you want. Whatever you need to fall asleep.”
“Will you—” My throat went dry. And I remembered Rhyan saying something so similar to me after my father died. I needed the same thing as I did then. “Will you hold me?”
Auriel looked relieved. “Of course. Go on. Lay your head down.”
I did, and I felt Auriel shift behind me a moment later, pulling me against him. He removed my belt, and the weapons I’d strapped to it. But I took the scabbard, holding it in my hands, and clutching it to my chest. There were fresh cloaks bundled on the table, and some folded clothes. Probably from Sean. I had a sinking feeling that they were spares Rhyan had kept here.
