Sean wiped his eyes. “He loved you, Lyriana. He loved you so much. And he trusted you above everyone else. So, if the love you bear for him makes you feel as if you need to be the one to do this—then so be it. I’ll go with you. I’ll support you in any way I can, watch your back, take care of you when it’s over. If you want me to.” His eyes darkened. “But if you can’t do this, or if you don’t want to—please believe me when I say that Rhyan would never fault you for that. And neither would I. But we do need to decide. Because one of us has to do it. And based on what happened today, it needs to happen soon.”
I turned away from Sean, staring back at the horizon. At the stars beginning to twinkle in the early night sky. The lights blurred against my tears, and my chest tightened.
“I know,” Sean said, “you’re worried about your family, your friends. You can go after them. Make sure they’re safe. I’ll take care of Rhyan. Just tell me what you want to do.”
“I don’t know. Can you—can you give me some time?” I asked. “To decide.”
“You can have the rest of tonight,” Sean said, his voice hardening. “I wish I could give you more than that. But for Rhyan’s sake, I think it’s best this happens quickly, so there’s as little damage done in his memory as possible. There’s already been too much. And then once it’s over, I can … I can properly grieve for him. Honor his memory.” He sniffed. “As can you. We’ll be able to say goodbye to Rhyan. The way he deserves. After we kill the monster, then we can set him free.”
Chapter
Thirteen
LYRIANA
Say goodbye to Rhyan? Say goodbye? The idea felt preposterous. Some part of me still felt like this was a nightmare—a bad dream I’d wake from soon. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t.
I sat with Sean still, the two of us staring into the dark in silence. I kept contemplating his words, and thinking over what had to be done, making choice after choice in my head. And every choice I made, I felt sicker and sicker. Nothing felt right.
I’d already known what had to happen. What I had to do. But I’d been trying to avoid it. To make it go away. To pass it off to someone else.
I didn’t want that either. What I wanted, was it to have never happened.
An hour passed, and then another. I cried. I listened to Sean cry. I drank some more. And I ate. Sean did the same. Finally, when the chill of the night air became too much, when I couldn’t listen to Sean’s tears any longer without wanting to die, when I couldn’t be reminded any longer of Rhyan when Sean’s northern lilt came out, we stood up, and both walked inside. Cold, and numb, our eyes red and swollen.
Branwyn was already waiting, and offered hugs to both of us. I could tell from the look in Sean’s eyes, and the feel of his aura, he needed his wife. He needed her comfort.
And I went to seek out Auriel.
I took long, slow breaths as I headed down the stairs. Reminding myself that I could get through this. Get through the next five minutes. That was all I had to do. I didn’t have to decide anything yet. I didn’t have to do anything tonight. Just breathe. Just survive. Five minutes at a time.
Find a way to get through the next five minutes without answers. When you get through them, get through five more. Enough of those minutes become a day, and before you know it, those days become weeks. I’ve survived for months like this. It’s enough.
Rhyan had told me that just after he returned to Bamaria, when we met in the middle of the night at the Temple of Dawn. It was the very first night Mercurial had approached me. The first night of his manipulations.
My hands fisted, remembering the Afeyan’s taunts about my use ofRakashonimin the arena two nights ago. The Godsdamned immortal bastard.
I’d never forgive him. Never forgive him for the way he stood back when Rhyan needed him, when I needed him. When the akadim attacked, and Mercurial just watched. I could see him so clearly, his blue skin, and his human-like head replaced with that of a falcon. He had refused to help me while I was desperately searching for Rhyan in the attack— desperately trying to save him. And that bastard still wanted me to go after the fucking red shard. To fulfill my end of the bargain. To fully claim my power as Asherah, as a Goddess.
What did it fucking matter now? I’d called on Asherah’s power. It hadn’t been enough. And the bargain we’d made—his silence about my relationship with Rhyan was worthless now.Because he was gone. And I was forsworn. And from the sound of it, the truth was out anyway.
I found Auriel sitting on the edge of the bed. He was hunched over, his face in his hands. His aura reached out toward me, quietly, almost unsure. But there was something else. It felt different from before. There was no more fire. No more anger. Just a profound, heart-wrenching sadness that seemed to overtake him. The power of his aura was weaker, too, cloudier and murkier than ever. Like it had lost more strength. Lost even more potency.
My heart softened, and our fight—all of the horrible things I’d said to him, the terrible ways I’d acted towards him—came back to me.
Gently, I sat down beside him, reaching for his hand. He didn’t move, but he let me take it into my lap, let me entwine our fingers together. I could feel the uneven skin, the scars from the burns that covered his palms. Rough and raised in some parts, and smooth and indented in others. Without thinking I began to rub small circles into his skin with my thumb. It was just like something I would do for Rhyan. Like something I needed to do for him now, but couldn’t. What I would give to touch him again. To hold him. To ease his pain.
His words from my dream still haunted me.You swore no one else would hurt me. You lied.
“Auriel,” I said, my voice hushed. “Rhyan’s already made his first kill.” I swallowed. “His first …” My throat tightened, “kills.”
Auriel frowned, but nodded slowly. “I know. I think I felt it—the moment it happened. It hurt—it injured me. Then Sean confirmed it. We had time to talk while you slept, for me to fill him in on exactly what happened.”
I nodded. “He told me about that.”
Auriel bit the inside of his cheek, continuing to stare ahead.
“Did you tell Sean who you are?” I asked.
