“Lyr,” he said, “Listen. I can see through his eyes what you went through. All of it, it’s not all organized in my mind. But it’s there. I can see it.” His eyes welled with tears. “The way you suffered. Got hurt. And the way you fought for me. Fuck. I thought I couldn’t love you more than I did when you found me in the arena. I was dying and even then, I was falling more in love with you, and I thought this—this is the pinnacle, and I can die now knowing that. Knowing how greatly I could love.” A tear fell. “And be loved. But, every second since you’ve saved me tonight—again—has proven how wrong I was because somehow, Gods, Lyr, I love youmore. I love you so fucking much. And I don’t know how in the world I can show you.”
“You don’t have to?—”
“I do. I do. You deserve it. I want you to have it. And I don’t know how to express it. How do I explain how grateful I am, how amazed? How I—Gods—how I should be on my knees, thanking you, worshipping you for bringing me back from hell.” He brushed my hair from my face. “Lyr,Mekara,I know thecircumstances. I see it. And I promise you, every step of the way, you did nothing wrong. And nothing wrong before. You are blameless for what happened to me, blameless for anything that happened after. All that matters now is that you saved me. You brought me back.”
“You would have done the same,” I said, looking away. “You.” My voice cracked. “You wouldn’t have had to … had to save me like this. Because, Rhyan, you wouldn’t have failed, not like I did. You would have gotten to the arena faster, you would have gotten to me on time.”
“Lyr, no. No. Shhh.” He pulled me against him. He smelled like the mines still, a little sulfuric, but also musky—like himself. “Don’t think like that.”
“I know that we were,” I hiccuped. “That we were up against things so fucking beyond our scope of control. And manipulations for things that started before we were born. I know that. I do. But I still … I still see you on the dais when I close my eyes. I still hear your screams. And I see … I see the akadim who took you. And it—Gods. It kills me.”
“And it kills me,” he yelled, “seeing you in the cave tied up, hurt, and scared.” He shook his head. “The only difference is I’m the one who actually did that to you. I’m so fucking aware of what I did to you I want to vomit. The things that I thought when I was akadim, the things I did— fuck.” His nostrils flared, his mouth tightening. “Lyr, listen to me. Please. If anyone did anything wrong—it was me. Okay, it was me.”
“But it wasn’t you,” I cried. “It was the demon. It was the—the thing that took over your body. It cast out your soul, and then it took your memories.”
“I know, I know. It did. But I still—I still have its memories, too. Like they’re mine. Weeks’ worth of them. All the things I did. All the awful—I mean, I can still—Gods. I can still taste your blood in my mouth.” His voice shook and he stepped back, hischest heaving. “Let’s … I mean. Can we …?” He closed his eyes and swallowed, his jaw muscles working. “I love you,” he said at last. “Gods, Lyr, I love you. And I don’t,” he shook his head, “I don’t blame you for what happened to me. Okay. Not even a little.” His face fell. “How could you— how could you think that?”
“I don’t know,” I cried, my vision blurry with tears. “I just—I didn’t want it to happen—any of it.”
“Me neither,” he said, exhaling sharply. “And after all you went through, do you blame me? For hurting you?”
“No,” I said. “No. Not for anything.”
“No?” He lifted his good eyebrow, his eyes darkening. “Not for tying you up? Dragging you through the caves?” His hand ran down my neck and collarbone, sliding between my breasts. “Or ripping your clothes off? Smelling you. Biting you. Threatening to—to—” He made a noise of disgust low in his throat and turned away.
“No. And you know that already. Because you did all that to me,” I said quietly. “Or the thing that was you did. And I still went back for you.”
“You pulled me off the bridge,” he said, his voice hushed. “I would have died if it weren’t for you. And then after you— you pulled my soul back. You brought me back to life.”
I moved in front of him. He was struggling to keep from crying.
“I wasn’t going to let you die. Not again.” My chest heaved. “Rhyan, the fact that you’re here now, with me, alive, and healed, and you—you—Gods! You’re all I wanted. All I thought about for every fucking second of every day and night since I lost you. I missed you so much I thought I’d die from it.”
“I know,” he said quietly. “I saw … saw it through his eyes.” He shook his head, his neck red, and his nostrils flaring. “So you don’t blame me? Don’t fear me now?” he asked. “Truly?”
“Truly,” I said. “I’m not confused. I’m not afraid of you. The demon in the cave, that wasn’t you, not even close.”
He pulled me to him and his hand smoothed down my spine, slowly rubbing up and down, before he pressed his lips to my forehead.
“Well, good,” he cried, letting out a shaky laugh and shook his head. “You know, considering how traumatized we are, I’d say this reunion is going rather well.”
I sniffled. “There isn’t exactly a guidebook for this sort of thing.”
“No?” he asked. “You mean, no one wrote a scroll about how to move on when your lover turned akadim, tried to kill you, and then came back to life?”
I laughed. “Someone really needs to get on that.” I shrugged.
“They do.” Rhyan sighed, his face now solemn. “The truth is, I don’t know what I’m doing. Or what I’m supposed to do, or feel, or even what I want to do next. I’m scared. I … I remember the last night we were together. And I was—Fuck, Lyr, I was so happy. Because I was with you.” He pressed his forehead back to mine.
I had a flash of that night. We’d just had sex again after a month of being unable to touch. Rhyan and I had finished, but he was still inside of me, looking down and smiling. Happy.
“I was with you,” he said. “And then I wasn’t. That life I wanted for us—it was stolen from me.” His eyes searched mine. “There’s only one thing I do know. And it’s that I love you.” He gripped the nape of my neck. “I love you. And I want to touch you. I want to kiss you. Gods, I want to plunge deep inside you, claim you, mark you. I need to—” He shook. “I need to undo the cave. I need to touch you everywhere the akadim did—kiss every hurt. Replace every memory, reclaim every moment. And then, then we’ll figure the rest out.” He blinked. “That is—if you—if you still want me.”
“Rhyan. Of course I want you.”
We both stared at each other then, his eyes hooded with desire, our chests heaving with grief, and love, and fear and … something else. Something that tied our souls together, something primal that needed to be acted upon—proof we were alive. That we’d done the impossible. Found our way back to each other. And now, though there were no more obstacles in our way, and we were together and alone, it felt like a chasm had opened between us. Because as much as we loved and understood each other, and understood the horrors we’d both been through, it didn’t change the fact that they were very much real. Very much affecting us. And would be for quite some time.
That first kiss between us, the one that made it feel as if no time had passed now seemed like a distant memory— and instead, the space between us felt oceanic. Like all the distance and horror we’d been through had suddenly manifested itself as a wall.
