“Gods.” He groaned, low in his throat. “I didn’t want you to know. You weren’t supposed to.”
“What do you mean I wasn’t supposed to?” I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. “What else am I not supposed to know?”
His eyes flashed with anger. But then, just as suddenly, he looked utterly defeated. He walked past me, sinking down onto the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. “I’m sorry.” His voice shook. “I’m sorry.”
I sat down on the bed beside him, and for a moment we sat in silence.
Finally, he lifted his head and looked at me, his eyes red. “I didn’t want you to know,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “And at the same time, I did. But I couldn’t tell you. Because I’ve been afraid. Because I’m a fucking coward.”
“That’s not true,” I said.
“Yes, it is!”
I felt a knot in my stomach form, unprepared for the anguish in his voice. He looked like he was in so much pain, so much agony. It was the same look he wore when Dario and Aiden had captured us, when they’d first mentioned Garrett. Rhyan was making himself miserable. And I realized then, that I cared more about him than I did about any secrets he’d kept. Cared more for him than any anger I’d been holding onto. I’d needed to express it, but that was it. Whatever secrets he’d kept from me in the past, he’d always done so with good intentions. Rhyan did everything with good intentions.
He didn’t need to tell me everything just so I could know, or so I could trust him. I didn’t need any of that. I alreadyknew his soul. I already trusted him completely. But this month had been harder on us than I realized.
“Rhyan,” I said. “Look at me.” I cupped his chin. “Look at me.” He did. “Ani janam ra.”
He sniffled, his eyes crinkling. “I know you.”
I nodded. “I know you. I love you. And I trust you. You’re not a coward. I know you had your reasons. But you can tell me, anything. If it helps, I want you to. And if it doesn’t, then don’t. If you’re not ready, I understand. But if you are, I’m here. I just, I don’t want to be left in the dark. Not when it comes to my safety. Not when it comes to yours. We’re partners.” Then I pressed my fist to my heart, and I pressed it twice, then flattened my hand. “Me sha, me ka.”
Rhyan took a shuddering breath. “Lyr,” he said. “You’re right. There are things you need to know. I promised I’d tell you. And I think, I think now I’m ready to tell you everything. I think I need to.” He bit his lip. “It’s just …” He swallowed roughly, shaking his head. “It’s a lot.”
I placed my hand on his arm, then slid it down to his hand, our fingers entwined. “We have some time. I’m not going anywhere. Not tonight.”
His eyes moved slowly back and forth across my face.
“I promise,” I said. “Nothing you tell me will change the way I feel.”
And then he nodded, taking a long, deep breath, as if in preparation.
“I know.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Just … where do I start?”
“Anywhere.”
He squeezed my hand. “I’ve been having dreams,” he said. “Memories. Of myself as Auriel. They’re … haunting.” His eyes watered. “Each time I see you, I see you as Asherah, and in the dream, it’s like … it’s like no timehas passed. My love for her—it’s like my love for you. Overwhelming. So deep, and intense.” He smiled wryly. “But so many times in the dreams, you—she, dies.” He looked away, and something in my heart stirred.
“I hear her screaming,” he continued. “Almost every night, I climb Gryphon’s Mount in my dreams, I build the tomb, I close her in it. Her body. You. And Gods. It’s agony. And it’s …” He blew air from his lips. “It’s left me scared of losing you. More than I was already.”
I rubbed my thumb back and forth across his hand, and he tightened his hold on me.
“So, when Mercurial came to see me,” he said, “and told me that your ability to heal, that your ability to call on Asherah is something calledRakashonim, and that it’s dangerous, it … it threw me. I’ve been researching it. Trying to understand. Trying to find answers. I wanted to find a way you could use it without hurting yourself.”
I nodded, knowing he’d been requesting additional scrolls at the library. “I thought you were researching Shiviel.”
“I was. I am. I’ve been looking at both. Because in one of my dreams, I realized that it was what we’d done to him that killed Asherah. Or at the very least, was the start of it. It had been too much. Too much magic for her form to hold. Last night, even after all I’d read, I still didn’t know what we’d done. When I couldn’t sleep, I snuck outside, and walked to the seraphim. Kind of like I do every night, but this time I was awake. I fell asleep at her side, in the rain. I’d had memories there before, so I thought I’d try again. And I was right. I dreamt Shiviel had captured me—Auriel. And you came. Asherah, came to save me. I was weak. But together we—they—”
I squeezed his hand.
His lips quirked. “We cut through his soul, at least that’s my understanding. We cut him in half, but his body remainedthe same. Less, but whole. And from that, a new life was born. A small child.”
“What?” I asked. Something stirred in the back of my memory. Brown eyes. But just as quickly, the memory faded.
“It looked like we killed him. But we didn’t. I think …” Rhyan drew in a sharp breath. “I think there’s an eighth Guardian out there. One who isn’t as powerful. Kane has no vorakh. But I think this one does. And there’s something else. Something else I didn’t tell you, because—because I wasn’t sure. And I’m still not. But no more secrets between us.”
“No more secrets,” I said.
