I chuckle. He’s a lost cause when it comes to women, for sure.Not that I can say I’m any better.He just gets in trouble for fucking them. I get in trouble when I don’t.
The packet in my pocket seems larger all of a sudden, pressing against my side.
“I’ll leave you to lament your poor choices then,” I tease, heading for the door.
“What’s the latest with Crow?” he calls.
I stall, turning back to face him. “The lawyer does her best, but it looks difficult given the way things went down. We’ll know more when he has his arraignment in a few weeks. She’s started the bail process, so we’re hopeful to have him out for Christmas.”
“Hghm.” He makes the throaty noise as he casts his gaze back over the yard and takes a deep pull on the smoke. “In hindsight, I probably should have taken the rap this time.”
“Why?”
“Would have kept me away from Reno’s pussy.”
I smile, yet there’s no joy behind it. “Would have kept you from your daughter, too.”
He drops his head to hang it between his shoulders and draws a deep breath. “She’d be better off without me, Jinx.” He lifts his head high, pride in the conviction behind his words. “The less influence I have, the less likely she’ll turn out like her mother. I want Molly to know there’s a life other than this one out there for her, and the more Reno keeps dragging her in here, the more she watches her mother dress to be fucked, then the more normal that becomes for her.” He glances behind himself, at me. “I want better for my girl.”
“I get that.”
Because, although it’s not quite the same thing, I want better for Kyra, too.
I want better for any woman who makes the mistake of falling in love with me.
Maybe that’s just my childhood trauma speaking—the ache of watching my mom wither under my father’s hand until one day she just up and vanished—but it’s a belief that’s so a part of me that I wonder what I’m doing as I walk up the stairs to my room.
Why pop one of these little pills to see if they work? What does it matter when even if I can fix the issue between Kyra and me, I’d still harbor guilt for bringing her into this world? For taking her dreams and putting them second fiddle to mine.
Fuck.When will I get the fuck out of my own way? My concerns for her are valid, but as she rightly pointed out, she’s capable of making her own choices when it comes to the complications that come with settling down with me.
Settling down.My mind flashes to Fang and his daughter, to the worry Chaos’s sister Selena causes him. To all the other members who chose to move off-site to raise a family, because it drew a clear line between them and us.
I close the door behind me and strip my jacket on the way to my bed. She wants kids. Kyra’s life dream is to have a family. Could it work if we lived in her house, off-site? Am I crazy for thinking this far into the future when she won’t even speak to me right now? Fuck knows. All I know as I shove my hand in the pocket to pull out the script is I can’t do a fucking thing until I know for sure I’ve managed to fix this issue.
I pop a pill from the pack and then shove the box into my nightstand, right at the back of the drawer, underneath everything else. The tiny oval stares at me from my palm, and the familiar tension from shame and anger wrestles the muscles in my shoulders and arms.
“Just do it, you goddamn chicken.”
I throw it in my mouth and chase the fucker with a swig from the bottle of water on my nightstand.And so it begins.I’ve got ten minutes or so before it takes effect—at least, that’s what the doc told me. So I retrieve my laptop and open the lid.
Ask me how I thought this lifestyle would go when I patched in, and I would have told you a whole different story. One with late nights and loose women, a belly full of liquor, and a middle finger to the law. My father painted a vivid picture of life as a King of Anarchy, and I believed it because that’s what I saw him do. That’s what life inside the clubhouse walls was fifteen years ago. The Minnesota chapter was barely twenty years old, and a lot of the men on the roll were the original founding members. The same men who started the chapter with a vision for rebellion and general mayhem.
But the world changed, and so did I. My lust for that life died along with my ability to partake in it.
And here I now sit, procrastinating about opening her page, because it feels like a violation more than ever when I can’t do the same thing to the real woman behind the facade.
“Watch mine with the same enthusiasm you do theirs…”Her words echo in my mind.
She wants this. But she also said that when we were on good terms.
Fuck it.I navigate to a free porn site and open that up instead, clicking on the first suggested video.
But it feels worse. Like cheating on Kyra, as though everything I said to her about how I feel was a lie.
Fucking hell.I drop my head to my hands and shove my fingertips roughly against my scalp. What do I do? My heart beats strong, and I don’t know if it’s the medication kicking in already or from the goddamn turmoil tugging me left and right.
I wish I could ask her. But then why let Kyra know I have a solution if I’m not sure it even works yet?
